Turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so

Well, things are again, swirling around me at an alarming rate. I got the official news Monday, George and I will be residents of Japan by January 1st, 2009. That means, within 6 months, I'm going to be in Iwakuni Japan. We're going for three years. Wow. Seems just so shocking to even say it. Three years in Japan. Well, no real details yet so I'll update as the times change but I just wanted to give a little update!

With Love, your faithful fan.

I will always love you Trevor Linden.
The Canucks will never be the same.
Linden for Prime Minister!

New Steps

well....almost a year in between posts. Guess I've been busy. Looking back at the past year, there really isn't alot to report.

News starts on last monday. G is gone again. This time for almost 8 months. Seems crazy that this year has flown by so fast. Seems more crazy that he's gone, I feel like it was so quickly thrust onto me yet we've known he was leaving since October. I know he's safe, I don't worry, but the constant thought it my mind that he's not going to be here to hug me is really nagging at my thoughts. But all in all, I know I'm strong enough to deal with this. I just know it.

Three beautiful things for today:

1. I have really really great friends, no matter where they are, no matter how long it's been, they are always there for me. Thank you all.

2. Skinny Cow. I don't know what the hell has gotten into me but I want ice cream all the damn time. Thank you Skinny Cow for not giving me extra pounds.

3. Curves. I love you Curves' Ladies. So much.

3 Beautiful Things for Today

3 beautiful things for today:

1. chocolate flavoured coffeee---if I can't eat it at least I can drink it

2. white v neck tee shirts---i love them

3. babies---everyone I know is having babies and they just make me smile

Colours and the Military Wife

The other day I had to go to the base to pick up George after he had duty (every three days he has to spend the night on the ship standing watches usually from 12am-8am and then if it's a weekday, work a full day). I was still sleepy as it was 8am on a Sunday morning. I pulled in, got out my ID and rolled down the window and nearly ran over the MA (Master at Arms-military police) standing in the middle of the road with his hand out. It was still a bit dark and with his cammies on, I nearly missed seeing him. I screetched to a halt and was confused by all the cars pulled over to the side of the road and men standing outside them with their hats against their chests. My first though: something very bad happened. When I noticed the men at the gate with the machine guns standing at attention facing away from the gate I realized that it wasn't an accident or attack. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw something move. Old Glory was being raised. Quietly at first, the sound of Reveille filled my car. This is called Colors. At 8am and 8pm every day on every US Military base worldwise, the American Flag is raised or lowered, Reveille played and every person on the base is to stand whever they are, face the flag and observe a moment of respect. And then, being a Canadian something very strange happened. My eyes filled with tears and my heart swelled with pride as I thought; I am a military spouse.

Now, my husband does not foward deploy to the front lines. My husband does not come home with battle scars or bullet holes. But my husband does serve in the US Navy. And he makes me proud. I am proud of the sacrifce we make so that he can serve. I am proud of the commitment he has made to his country. I am proud that he is helping make our world and the world of our future children a better place.

It's hard to remember this pride when he spends months and months away from home. It's hard to remember this pride when I wait for weeks to get a 3 line email. It's really hard to remember this pride when faced with the daunting task of moving us to another duty station across the country...alone. But the pride is always there nonetheless. It keeps me going day to day when he's gone and it helps me encourage him when he's home.

Being in the military is not an easy lifestyle. You are faced with birthdays, holidays and months spent apart. I am still shocked how many wives I know that have given birth with their spouse deployed overseas. I know of husbands and wives who watch their children grow up through photographs. Even when they are home, there are often long hours, with no overtime. There are times when he can't talk about what goes on at work. Being a military spouse is not for the faint of heart.

A few weeks ago we celebrated military spouse appreication day. It was a bittersweet day for me as again, my husband was somewhere on the sea. It was nice to have people recognize my sacrifice for once because as on tv, all you see are the soilders and not his waiting family. You don't see the wife who has to be Mom and Dad. You don't see her fixing the oil pan in the car or playing catch in the yard. It's a joke among the navy spouses that we're married to the military; but it's a true story. We went to Seaworld a few weeks ago and before the big Shamu show one of the divers came out and asked that all Military service members and their families to stand. We did so and thus received a huge fanfare from the entire crowd. Those moments matter. With tears in my eyes I remember smiling at these people who took a few moments to thank us for what we go through. While my neighbours might not realize how lucky they are for everyday they get to spend together; I for one cherish every single moment that my husband is able to spend with me. I saw a bumper sticker today while I waited in line to get on to the base to drop my husband off for yet another 6 week to 6 month deployment and it read "Navy Wife, hardest job in the military" and I thought to myself...that couldn't be more accurate.

Kelsey's Back...for good, I hope.

well I know, it's been awhile. things have been hectic. George is gone again, this time for six weeks to six months, they haven't given us a definite time frame yet. I miss him like never before. I can't believe how much more I've fallen for him. I thought, ya I love this man and that I could never possibly love him anymore than I did and it just grows and grows.

which makes me feel bad, I've been a super fucking bitch lately. I don't know what has gotten into me. I just am constantly irritated. About anything and everything it seems. The only time I feel good is when we're laying down and he's holding me. Which is weird for me as I'm pretty naturally a happy girl. I am sure it has something to do with this gallbladder removal and my subsequent illness. I'm starting herbalife again tomorrow in hopes of normalicy.

texas doesn't suck as bad as I thought before. It's warm, food is good, people are pretty nice. Sometimes stooopid but otherwise nice. They are bad drivers but I grew up next to alberta so I'm used to that. The weather has been super shit box lately though with all the rain and storms and it's supposed to be a bad hurricane season but eh...such as life I guess. I am more and more realizing that I think I want to live in a smaller centre than my original idea of San Diego. I like being able to go places and know people and feel like a part of a community. Little Texas is just like home, just devoid of the fun young people. But being a navy spouse that does carry somewhat of a reputation. If your husband is deployed, you're out "trolling" for men and if he's home, well then you should be home catering to him. George and I aren't like that. We're both faithful...and well we like to go out too and have fun. I think it's just getting to the point where we need to start expanding our family...*big smile*

And career wise, I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do. I can't stop thinking about how I would really enjoy something in the salon industry. I mean, ya I'm smart but I'd rather work with people than behind a desk everyday. Besides that, I would be able to work anywhere we moved and I love doing glamour. *sigh* I just don't know.

Okay, time for me to get back to work. I'll be posting more from now on, I promise. I have a rather heartfelt story to write in fact about the military.

3 Beautiful Things for Today

1. Last night I got my teddy bear from back home in Canada, my sleepness nights are already better.

2. I also got 3 new bottles of perfume for my birthday...what could be better?

3. George is deployed...Stateside instead of overseas.

Americans are really scared....of Canadians

WASHINGTON - An odd-looking Canadian quarter with a bright red flower was the culprit behind a false espionage warning from the Defense Department about mysterious coins with radio frequency transmitters, The Associated Press has learned.

The harmless "poppy quarter" was so unfamiliar to suspicious U.S. Army contractors traveling in Canada that they filed confidential espionage accounts about them. The worried contractors described the coins as "filled with something man-made that looked like nano-technology," according to once-classified U.S. government reports and e-mails obtained by the AP.
The silver-colored 25-cent piece features the red image of a poppy — Canada's flower of remembrance — inlaid over a maple leaf. The unorthodox quarter is identical to the coins pictured and described as suspicious in the contractors' accounts.
The supposed nano-technology on the coin actually was a protective coating the Royal Canadian Mint applied to prevent the poppy's red color from rubbing off. The mint produced nearly 30 million such quarters in 2004 commemorating Canada's 117,000 war dead.
"It did not appear to be electronic (analog) in nature or have a power source," wrote one U.S. contractor, who discovered the coin in the cup holder of a rental car. "Under high power microscope, it appeared to be complex consisting of several layers of clear, but different material, with a wire-like mesh suspended on top."
The confidential accounts led to a sensational warning from the Defense Security Service, an agency of the Defense Department, that mysterious coins with radio frequency transmitters were found planted on U.S. contractors with classified security clearances on at least three separate occasions between October 2005 and January 2006 as the contractors traveled through Canada.
"We'll have a good laugh over it," said John Regitko, who writes a newsletter for a leading coin-collecting organization, the Canadian Numismatic Association. "We never suspected there was such a thing (as spy coins) anyway."
Regitko predicted the quarter will become especially popular among collectors because of its infamy as the culprit behind the spy warning, despite the quarter's wide availability. "Everybody has some in their drawer at home," he said.
One contractor believed someone had placed two of the quarters in an outer coat pocket after the contractor had emptied the pocket hours earlier. "Coat pockets were empty that morning and I was keeping all of my coins in a plastic bag in my inner coat pocket," the contractor wrote.
The Defense Department subsequently acknowledged it could never substantiate the espionage warning, but until now it has never disclosed the details behind the embarrassing episode.
In Canada, senior intelligence officials had expressed annoyance with the American spy-coin warnings as they tried to learn more about the oddball claims.
"That story about Canadians planting coins in the pockets of defense contractors will not go away," Luc Portelance, now deputy director for the Canadian Security Intelligence Service, wrote in a January e-mail to a subordinate. "Could someone tell me more? Where do we stand and what's the story on this?"
Others in Canada's spy service also were searching for answers. "We would be very interested in any more detail you may have on the validity of the comment related to the use of Canadian coins in this manner," another intelligence official wrote in an e-mail. "If it is accurate, are they talking industrial or state espionage? If the latter, who?" The identity of the e-mail's recipient was censored.
Intelligence and technology experts were flabbergasted over the warning when it was first publicized earlier this year. The warning suggested that such transmitters could be used surreptitiously to track the movements of people carrying the coins.
"I thought the whole thing was preposterous, to think you could tag an individual with a coin and think they wouldn't give it away or spend it," said H. Keith Melton, a leading intelligence historian.
But Melton said the Army contractors properly reported their suspicions. "You want contractors or any government personnel to report anything suspicious," he said. "You can't have the potential target evaluating whether this was an organized attack or a fluke."
The Defense Security Service disavowed its warning about spy coins after an international furor. The U.S. said it never substantiated the contractors' claims and performed an internal review to determine how the false information was included in a 29-page published report about espionage concerns.
The Defense Security Service never examined the suspicious coins, spokeswoman Cindy McGovern said. "We know where we made the mistake," she said. "The information wasn't properly vetted. While these coins aroused suspicion, there ultimately was nothing there."
A numismatist consulted by the AP, Dennis Pike of Canadian Coin & Currency near Toronto, quickly matched a grainy image and physical descriptions of the suspect coins in the contractors' confidential accounts to the 25-cent poppy piece.
"It's not uncommon at all," Pike said. He added that the coin's protective coating glows peculiarly under ultraviolet light. "That may have been a little bit suspicious," he said.
Some of the U.S. documents the AP obtained were classified "Secret/Noforn," meaning they were never supposed to be viewed by foreigners, even America's closest allies. The government censored parts of the files, citing national security reasons, before turning over copies under the U.S. Freedom of Information Act.
Nothing in the documents — except the reference to nanotechnology — explained how the contractors' accounts evolved into a full-blown warning about spy coins with radio frequency transmitters. Many passages were censored, including the names of contractors and details about where they worked and their projects.
But there were indications the accounts should have been taken lightly. Next to one blacked-out sentence was this warning: "This has not been confirmed as of yet."
The Canadian intelligence documents, which also were censored, were turned over to the AP for $5 under that country's Access to Information Act. Canada cited rules for protecting against subversive or hostile activities to explain why it censored the papers.

3 beautiful things

1. It's snowing on Christmas Eve-does it get any better than that?
2. George is home in 2 weeks!
3. I realized today that I'm actually pretty smart, I've always thought that, but it was realized today when I was explaining history to someone else...

*bow*

Do you have people in your life who just make you smile? I love to laugh. I love to smile. I do both at every opportunity available. I just talked to a friend, and spent almost the entire conversation laughing. Not because he is exceptionally hilarious but mainly because I enjoy his company if only on the phone. There is no love lost between us, so we can just talk and laugh like we've been friends since birth...even though we've only know each other a short time. He knows alot about me, most likely from his vast life expereince, he is able to gauge things about me from what I say and what I don't say. It's interesting because he knows me alot better than I'd like him to...and although he's seen me go crazy, get overly emotional, angry, sad, depressed, excited etc...he still treats me exactly the same and with an honesty that is so hard to find today. He's honest almost to a fault because sometimes the truth really does hurt. He has never wounded me beyond repair, but I suspect that his honesty has hurt people he loves and thus he has these huge barriers built up around him. I totally adore this man and I am so pleased that we're friends. We compliment each other in a way that only true friends can. I let him through my tough exterior to know a little bit of me...of which he discovered that he could trust me to be gentle with him. It makes me smile to know that there is another person out there who just genuinly likes my company...and isn't just trying to get into my pants, or bank account or whatever else. It's also a gift that he is objective and helpful at the same time. I know that I could call him and talk to him about absolutely anything and he would do everything in his power to help me come to resolution...although he would never tell me what to do, only assist me in making my own choice. It's good to have someone like that. Even though, he's a truly wonderful man, I'm happily married and that has never been an issue with us. We're not star-crossed lovers by any means. I've had a very difficult time in the past to keep men as just friends...they always seem to want to cross the line...but this man is different, and I think the entire fact that I'm married is what keeps us able to be totally honest with each other. He knows that no matter what he says, there is no chance I'm going to fall for him or vice versa...so it's good and cool. *smile* If you're reading this, thanks babe.

k

3 beautiful things

1. Kurt Vonnegut allows me to escape to his crazy world.
2. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve
3. I have gorgeous pink and black hair.

what it means to be me...

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cuz sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken


*********************************************************
I read this earlier today and it left me without words. Which for those that know me is a huge accomplishment on behalf of the author...which I can only assume as the Goo Goo Dolls because I'm too lazy to actually do the research, mainly because to me, it doesn't matter who wrote it, only that it was written and that I read it.

It kinda hits home to me...especially the line "you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies" because I often wonder that very point. So I put too much emotion into things that are really just creations in my own mind? Am I trying too hard to cry tears that aren't really real? Am I liying to myself but telling the truth to you?

Tonight I was watching "The Devil Wears Prada" and I was struck by this familiar feeling in my gut. It's the yuck-I-hate-sappy-girl-movies-because-they-are-not-realistic-at-all-and-only serve-to-show-me-how-love-never-is feeling. This was during the opening credits. And turns out, I was right. But it made me do a little thinking about why I hate romance so much...yet strive so hard for it in my own life. I think...yes I do that sometimes over abuntantly...that I hate romance because I can't quite grasp it myself. I resent these actresses who get to swoon like everything is perfect when my life is falling apart. And I can't place the blame on anyone else because I made my choices.

I had a friend...who recently decided we couldn't be friends anymore because he loved me and I couldn't love him back like he wanted. I felt guilty the entire time because he was and is a really great guy. I can picture myself in his life but it seems like one of those sappy girl movies...and everyone knows thats not real, so I never let myself get close enough to discover the heartbreak of having someone push eject on my fantasy land. He and I don't talk anymore, and I think of him every single day, and I tell myself that he thinks of me too, but in reality, he doesn't, he's happy to be free of my chemistry that kept him enthralled for way too long. I allowed him to be captivated by me for very selfish reasons, I needed someone to reinforce my own feelings about myself. He challenged me on every choice I made and thus made me repeat over and over again, why I did something until it became not my choice but concrete evidence of why I am me. I always told him he was my conscience. *laughing* And now I'm left a little lacking to be honest.

I've made some new friends recently since my move...and I'm starting to scare them. I'm not regailing them with stories of axe murders or anything but I've become a little dependant on them to guide the way for my emotions. It's been hard with George gone for so long and so much going on between us. I needed an escape and my new friends have offered that. I get quite attached to people quickly however I rarely stay attached for long. I have a short attention span when it comes to people. There have only been a very select few (I can count them on one hand and only use fingers) that I have remained attached to since our meeting. I was telling one new friend the other day, when I'm into a person, I'm all in...and it's so true. I never play halfway with people. Now, the reason that this song above relates to this, I'm not just incessantly babbling...is because sometimes I lose sight of the true importance of people. I want them to fill a certain spot in my life, and once they do, I expect it to continue, forever or at least until I decide to end it. *laugh* I am that egotistical to believe that, really. And when someone isn't really ready for that position, I tend to get overly emotional. I can't predict my feelings but I am always very quick to warn someone once I know that I'm am beginning to to need them, that my nickname isn't CrazyPrincessKelsey for fun...it's a very true descriptive title.

Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar but then again, everyone gets confused and emotional and thinks they can't deal right? I'm sure everyone does, once I'm through the little issue, it seems so minor. I laugh it off and move on, until the next one. My poor husband has two email addresses full of my rantings and ravings and just plain theoretical explainations for my feelings. I can't really understand why I do what I do...only that I use the excuse, I can't choose my feelings.

That is correct but I can choose my actions. And those choices need to be a little better from here on out. I'm 25 and not in the psych ward, I have no excuse for what I do...only that it seems like the right thing to do at that time. I've started saving my emails before sending them so that I can reread once the emotions stop holding me hostage. It's helped a little but for the most part, once I read what I've written, I'm compelled back to feeling the way I did when I typed the words in the first place.

So if you're reading this, post me a commment because the cold meds are taking hold now and I need to get into bed before my face h its the keyboard...what are your thoughts, my faithful readers???? Help a crazy princess out...

Check out my Slide Show!

Long Time - No Contact

Well, it's been awhile. If you're a subscriber...sorry...if you're related, sorrier and if you're a best friend, I'm really sorry!

I've just been in my own world lately. And keeping it to myself. This time of year is always difficult for me, I'm not entirely sure why...I retreat away, don't be offended, it's better this way *smiles*

3 beautiful things for today:

1. Don and Susan came to visit me - a much needed visit with family!
2. Texas is always sunny.
3. I love my nail polish - OPI Black-tie Optional

What else. I'm not dead! or depressed! *laugh* Far from it really, just in my own world. so don't worry, I'll come back to reality shortly!

LOVE

today is another day

My Three Beautiful Things for today:

1. It was a chilly 75 degrees or so today, it was a lovely change from the usual 95.
2. I finally had a wonderful night sleep, thank you Dr. Burch.
3. I got a genuine, happy-to-see-you face today from one of our regular clients. He is an older gentleman from Egypt and is just such a friendly guy, it was a long day at work and his smile made the day.

SO yes, I finally got some actual sleep. ALthough I feel extreamly lathargic today. At least I slept well last night. It's been a good day, although a long day.

I'll write more later...still haven't heard from G.

Wednesday is Wild

Hello Wednesday!

My Beautiful things today:

1. The A/C broke in the gym this morning...and so I just did the treadmill portion of my usual and then left because the rest of the gym was closed and I ended up running into a man I've been wanting to meet, or rather wanting George to meet. He is one of the SR. Officers here on the base and the husband of one of my co-workers, it was a total fluke, but good nonetheless.

2. I redisovered my love for R&B. I played oldies from the 90's and just fell in love.

3. Finally got my "womans" exam today...and it wasn't nearly as bad as usual, they are the most friendly people ever at my doctors.

Other than those things, not alot else is new. I think I may have lost one of my best friends last night. He is being a total dick, if you're reading this, you are being a total dick. I was only kidding about the comment that I made and he flew off the handle...then again, he doesn't know the inside joke about the statement "valleygirl" but then again, one should be able to read scarcasm when talking to me. Secondly, for someone to get all up in my face about a joke, obviously there are underlying issues. He has alot going on in his life right now and I just never really seem to fit in. Or rather, only when he wants something from me...it's kinda sad really. But he is a very important person in my life. I adore him...but this cat and mouse fighting game we've been playing for years is getting tiresome. So...I wish him nothing but the very very best because he deserves it and one day, I hope he realizes that. It just sucks to lose yet another friend. Especially this one.

k

Three Beautiful Things

I have taken inspiration for this blog...each time I post, I will post three beautiful things that happened also. *smiles*

1. Kathy told me that I have immense talent in social work and should pursue it.
2. Peppermint-Mocha Coffee Mate
3. CIBC Mahar...he is the nicest and most polite CIBC employee who doesn't know me.

Kelsey Does Houston

Well hello again!

So last week I was in Houston, it was an adventure for sure. It wasn't what I expected though. It was populated with leafy green trees and there was no hint of moisture in the air. Horray! NO humidity to stifle me. I had a great time.

We first checked into the Westin Galleria, it is the best hotel, next to the HI at home...it has a Louis Vuitton store in the bottom of it! As well as my ultra favourite makeup store, MAC. It was a match made in Heaven! I was in Houston for the Governors Leadership Conference. The conference itself was a bit of a gong show, but the presenters were great.

Our first night there, we went to dinner a Fogo De Chao. Yummy. It's a Brazillion place. Then Guacho's (the waiters) run around with skewers of meat, 15 different types, and serve you as much as you want, as many times as you want. You get this little round thing, looks like a coaster, in fact, I used mine as one until our Gaucho pointed out that it isn't a coaster...I felt a little silly but how would I ever know. Anyways, one side of the coaster is green and says yes please and other cute Brazillion things that I couldn't read...and the other side is red and says no thank you. When you want the meat brought around, you flip up the green side, I went green most of the night...and when you're done you put red, but you can't stop and go whenever you want, because the Gaucho's are continuously running around. We stopped and goed quite a few times and left feeling like I ate an entire cow. They had the most devine (sorry Cariboo Grill) filet mignon, which I ate mostly and this unreal parmesan pork. We had almost every other type of meat they had, no fish, and it was all excellent. They have have a huge salad bar with different types of sliced meat and cheese, salad, veggies and fruit. They bring you fried bananas and polenta...all in all, the best meal ever. If you're ever in Houston definately go there, YUM!

After that we hit the Roxy, there seems to be one in every town...and it was a really nice nightclub although, for ladies night, it was pretty slow. Not to worry for us though, we just had some cocktails and just hung out for awhile.

The next day we went to Ikea to do a little shopping, thank you Ikea! My bedroom finally looks like a married couple lives there and not some college freshman! I bought these awesome lamps and bedside tables...and this incredible mirror...come see, it looks great!

We went to the President's Reception that night, which was a total nightmare, people were literally fighting over the food...it was crazy! I ended up having two pieces of cake in about 4 minutes and then heading out somewhere else, so everyone else could eat. The dessert table was the only place not getting attacked by the food vultures!

Basically that concludes my trip to Houston, there are more details, but nothing very exciting...*laugh* Houston is a great city, I can't wait to visit again and explore a little more of Cowtown.

And YAY Canucks for beating the Oilers, about damn time too!

Anxious Times

Good Morning Good Morning,

So whats new with me you ask? Not a whole lot. I've been going to the gym for two weeks now, every single morning and unfortunately i've gained 3 pounds! *laugh* Although I'm pretty sure it's muscle...or at least I'm sure hoping so.

Other than that, time is slowly ticking by until G gets home. I have so much emotional issues tied to his return. I'm happy, sad, anxious, excited, nervous, scared...etc. We have had too many issues over the past little while, and then all this business with another girl...which makes me sick still...I'm not going to go into any details, but I'll say he didn't sleep with her. And I just want to make posters about how much I hate her, but I can't...*soft smile* It isn't my nature to hate someone so much, and well, it isn't all her fault. Thankfully G ended in before it really began with her but still, he lied to me about it, and thats bad enough. And we can't seen each other since I found out about all of this...so I'm nervous about how our reunion will be. I really hope we will be okay. I really really really hope so. I love him with all my heart, but there is only so much one heart can take...

In other news, I'm working at the Navy and Marine Corp Relief Society. I love it. The girls that work there are incredible. I've become very attached to them and not only that, the work itself is really rewarding. Alot of times we're helping service members who dug themselves into a hole, but sometimes we are genuinly helping people in need and it feels to good to be making a difference. I'm also learning alot more about the Navy which is really cool. I'm proud to be a Sailor's Wife. Even though my Sailors friends and family don't know it. *laugh* ALthough, I did tell one of his friends, who I consider to be my friend. It isn't a big deal, it was just a situational thing and one day we will (hopefully) have our wedding. And if not, perhaps it isn't meant to be.

I'm not depressed but I'm just realizing alot of things now that my mind isn't totally preoccupied with getting here. There are certain things that a man has to do in a relationship and I haven't really given G the chance to do those things...and so he maybe forgot about them or whatever. It was really important to me for him to ask my Dad if he could marry me, and then we had to get married early and not tell anyone, stupid military...but now that can never happen. It is also really really important to me for G to propose, but we're already married going on 4 years and he has never proposed to me. I don't know really if this is still what he wants. We have never really talked about it. I mean, we talked about being together forever and how much we love each other, but we never had the lets get married talk. We got married because the military wouldn't take care of me if anything happened to G...and we'd already been together for 3 years at that point...but we never talked about if we were ready or sure about each other. The reason I say this is because I have no doubt, absolutely no doubt in my mind that G is the one for me. I love him more than anything else and wouldn't change a thing about him personally. However, I don't think he feels the same way towards me, in fact, I know that he doesn't. He wants to change alot about me, and well, I don't know that he views me as the soulmate he has always wanted. I poured out my heart a few days ago, in two very long emails, as he is only reachable by email over there right now, and he never responded. I basically told him yesterday not to contact me until he responds to those emails. There are alot of things I need to know. I feel like we're rebuilding but in order to do that, we need to break down all the old shitty parts...but only time will tell.

In other news, I'm really pissed, I rented Bridget Jones=The Edge of Reason and it doesn't work, I'm upset because I was really looking forward to watching it, stupid netflix!

My heart goes out to the Amish community in Lancaster PA, 5 little girls are now in heaven, and their killer will never recieve proper judgement or punishment. I can't really talk about this, as I don't have the right words. RIP.

I will try to update here more often.

k

Gone to Hunt the Big Croc in the Sky

I'm very saddened today to find that the star of my favourite show has died. Steve Irwin, of the Crocodile Hunter Diaries and other shows, was killed while swimming over a giant sting ray. The ray was hidden under the sand and got spooked and stuck his 10 inch barbed tale through Steve's heart. My heart goes out to Bindi, Bob and Terri Irwin as well as the rest of Australia Zoo and to animals around the world...we truly lost one of the best.

Now, I'm really sad. It isn't like I knew Steve at all, I watched his show faithfully everyday. Lately I've found myself trying to distance from the show, which was odd for me, and maybe subconciously I knew he was going to die...and I'm not good with death...so perhaps my angels were trying to spare me the pain. Steve was such a great guy. Again, I didn't know him personally but from the personal nature of the shows, I gather he was LOVED by all and just such a great man. His efforts in animal conservation will be unmatched. He had such a great heart.

I can't really describe how I feel about all of this. I feel sad and depressed. Not so much for myself but the world has really lost someone who is great. Someone who put himself out there for all to see, even when the world didn't like what he was doing (feeding a croc with his newborn son in his arms) but I feel like the animals are the ones that suffered the greatest loss. I feel like I'm missing out on what he was going to do next and how he was going to effect this change in public views on animals and the treatment and conservation of such.

I feel like his children are not going to be able to learn why their father was such a kindred spirit to animals, although I know that Terri will do her best to make that happen. I just feel...so sad.

Rest in Peace Mr. Irwin. You were a treasure that I won't ever forget and I hope that your last moments were filled with love and admiration as you died doing what you've always loved to do, and thats be with the animals.