Goodbye my old friend...

What do you do with friends who you don't really want to be friends with anymore? Do you go on pretending that you care? Do yuo have a huge blowout telling them that you can't be there anymore? Whats the deal anyways?

So I have this friend. He's a good friend, or was a good friend. We talk less and less which is cool, we're both super busy people. The problem is that when we do talk, he lies to me. He lies about his life and the news, he lies about things that are of no consequence to me. And we both know he is lying to me. I'm tired of playing the "oh really?" game. It makes me feel like he is insinuating that I'm stupid and not intelligent enough to realize that his words are nothing more than a weak facade to honey-glaze whats really going on.

I realize that it should be up to him to want to tell me the truth and that a good person would try to enable that to happen. Unfortunately that isn't the case here. I'm tired of dealing with it. I'm tired of trying to stay that good person.

To my friend:

We have known each other a long long time...stop lying to me. Stop pretending. Stop faking. If you don't want to discuss things with me, then don't, but don't lie about anything to me! Friends don't do that. Based on the lying, I cannot continue our friendship. I'm sure you understand because you yourself have had this problem in your life before with previous friends. I choose to keep people in my life who are genuine and who are important to me. Unfortunately you and I cannot continue down this path. I wish you nothing but the best with your life and future endevours and I will always remember the good times. Farewell and adieu.

k

Packing Nightmare

So here I am...putting off more packing. My room looks like it has been hit by a tornado. to be very honest, I don't really want to take anything. I just want to leave, get on a plane and worry about it later, but alas, I can't do that. So I'm taking everything that is my favourite here and that I need. EX: favourite clothes, shoes, makeup and hair products. But how does one decide that is their favourite as each piece has a place that needs other pieces to make the integration possible. For example, I have these great pink wedge heels. I bought them to look cute with jeans. I have never worn them but they are so cute and I want to take them but they take up alot of space. They match my pink LV handbag and this super cute tank top and sweater set. And those match with these great capri jeans that I'm about 10 pounds to fat to wear yet this season. So without everything, nothing works but I want to take it anyways. I have about a bazillion combinations just like this...so how to choose???

Mum. Mum is going to weed out the shit that I don't need. Thank god. Because I have no idea. So great.

I have to go through all my banking and personal papers too. Which I was going to do today but decided to leave until tomorrow. It is too much of a headache to deal with today.

So I'm having coffee and watching some obscure music video. The life and times of me are dramatic. Yes they are.

k

Baby Brain Train

Well hello again!

SO last night we had my going away dinner party at the Grill. It was really good although my anti-drinking thing went flying out the window and I had far too much red wine...again. Thankfully I didn't act a fool or anything like that but I definately don't feel so great today. Puked. Yep. Yuck. Couldn't even keep water down. Sick. I now remember why I don't want to drink anymore...so that was it.

9 more sleeps until I'm home with George. I can't wait, I hope that he is as excited as I am but just doesn't know how to show it. Guys are kinda like that. Last night I dreampt we were having a baby. We named her Zahara Lee Isabella Payumo. Sounds so nice. She had super bright green eyes and dark black hair. She couldn't stop smiling. And George couldn't stop staring at her as if he was shocked he could help make something so perfect. *smiles* I can't wait for that day. I just hope it happens at the right time, like not just before he heads out to Bahrain. I want him to be home and petting my belly as the baby grows. *smiles* Yes, I've got baby on the brain lately.

Anyways, I should run off, just trying to get back into the wonderful world of a blog. Trying to keep my mind free of drama...so I'll write here.

K

Vote Kelsey

Goodness...it has been a busy month for me.

Updates:

-Immigration finally approved me!
-Heading home to G in Texas on June 4th, 2006
-lost 16 pounds on a herbal clense
-quit my job

So to begin...after a whirlwind trip to see my cousin Kate look incredible and get married...Nicki and I were off to Vancouver for my immigration interview and medical exam. I could barely eat I was so worried. Corey came with us, thankfully because he kept Nick busy as I was too tired and stressed to entertain.

Off to my medical exam, had to be there by 6am. After having scans and tests and blood work, and x-rays, and filling out more and more and more paperwork. I was back at the hotel and in bed by 11am. I slept all day and was so worried and nervous about my immigration appointment.

I arrive at the US Consulate at 9:30am. I am greeted by a huge security guard who is directing us to stand in these weird Laybrinth designed ques. So...finally all of us there for spousal immigration are allowed in, one at a time, we have to get searched twice to get in the door. Then we are sent up two flights of stairs where more security meets us and searches us again, and then opens the elevator door and sends us up to the 20th floor. I get off and proceed in the almost darkness to another security check point...they search me, ask why I'm there, they ask for my paperwork, go through my purse, and search my body...I walk through three metal detectors and finally am allowed into the waiting room. I'm sent into this small room with chairs so uncomfortable. The room is blazing hot and there are no bathrooms or vending machines or even anywhere to get water. I visit with the others there to do the same thing as me. We're all pretty nervous. We have to sit in these chairs and are lined up against the wall so tightly that my knees were almost touching the wall and I'm short! and besides that, the cubicles were directly in front of the chairs so everyone in the room could hear exactly what they were saying to you. A really nice woman goes through my papers...and we talk a little, she makes me feel better...and then we proceed over to the cashier and wait to pay...the line up is around the corner and then the MOST UNHAPPY young person I've ever seen comes out. We wait to pay and he is the outmost MOST grouchy person. So finally I pay and then go back to wait for my acutal interview. Finally I am asked to proceed to window #5 and a super nice YOUNG east indian guy starts interviewing me...he askes me all kinds of questions...and then hands me back all my paperwork...and says, "Kelsey, your visa will be ready at 2pm for pickup." and thats it, I'm the proud owner of a K-3 visa...YAY!!!

So I go back at two and have been elated ever since.

Booked my ticket two days later, going home to G. FInally.

So I hope that everything is on par with my marriage. I mean, we're getting a hell of a lot better, but still, I feel like things aren't the way they used to be...so only time will tell I guess. I miss George so much but I sometimes feel like he could care less what is going on with me. I know that is my mind playing tricks on me but I just don't see him acting the same way he used to.

I'm definately going into therepy when I get home. I have alot of issues that need to be resolved before I can even begin to be the best wife and mother I can be. No I'm not pregnant or even wanting to be yet...but sometime...and sometime in the next couple of years. I'm getting really really ready.

Beyond that, my life couldn't be better...and although I'm unsure what career path I will pursue, I am confident that whatever I choose to do, I will achieve ultimate success...

if only I could be as positive about my love life...

12 more sleeps...

Down and Out

Do fat girls have to conform? When does it become more than a lifestyle choice? When is it okay to ask someone to change? I'm in love. Fully, head over feet, all filled up wtih love. But he wants me to change. He wants a thinner wife. In the beginning it was question of attraction. I was indignant and angry and bascially said "get over yourself or get a new girlfriend." He said he would get over himself. He didn't. But now it has evolved into, "I'm worried about your health." I am really torn. Part of me doesn't believe him. Part of me says, "yea right, only another excuse because you want me to morph into this superficial idea that you have of beauty." but then the other part of me says "he's right, obesity leads to many health problems..." the problem is though that I can't let go of the painful comments from the beginning of him not being sexually attracted to me. THEN WHY BE WITH ME!??! WHY HAVE SEX WITH ME !?!? WHY LET ME LOVE YOU!!?!? He says that I took it in a way that he never meant...and truth be told, he has been extreamly supportive of any weight loss or diet I've been interested in. He is good to me...but he doesn't do the things that I believe he should. I believe that my partner in life should be complimenting me constantly, I believe that my partner in this life should think I am the most beautiful woman alive. He should believe that I am awesome and want to show me off to the world...but alas...my man isn't like this, or at least not like this with me. I am really really torn up emotionally. I don't know what to believe and what to disregard. I found out that he joined a personals website. I was crushed. Totally crushed. To the point where I fell asleep not wanting to wake up. I'm not suicidal but I can't handle anymore hurt. So I asked him about it. He denied it at first, then said that he joined to meet other people to talk to about us, then because he was just looking for people to talk to online...and now has no real explanation. He gets angry when we talk about it because now I don't believe him. It is obvious to me that he is looking for someone else. But why, I asked and asked and asked until the point where I couldn't breathe because I was crying so much. I had to hang up on him. I feel at fault because I'm constantly the one who is upset and for the first while he kept telling me that it isn't his fault, that I'm doing this to myself, but then I finally got the picture and screamed that it wasn't me, I"M NOT DOING ANYTHING! So where does this leave me. I don't trust him really anymore. I love him and want to make this work more than anything else, but I am constantly jealous and suspicious. I told him last night, that I don't care if he has female friends but he said something that totally struck me..."that is bull shit Kelsey, in the current state you are in, you would freak out if I even talked to another girl on the phone." and he is exactly right. I would. When did I become that girl? When did I become that girl that I've always hated. I never dreamed that I would become that girl. But here I am...a shell of insecurity and anger. I find it rather interesting that I used to be such a confident woman. and in reality I still am...when it comes to anyone but George. Men talk to me at work, and I know that they think I'm hot...even if they really don't...*laugh* I work it...because I can, and because I'm okay with myself. But when it comes to George, I feel like a bag of shit. Something that he is stuck with because of promises to change and hopes for something completely different from what I am. I feel like I'm the most unimportant thing in his life. I mean, he hasn't seen me in 15 months and has no plans of seeing me until I get to go home, but who knows when that will be. He did say last night that he is going to try to come see me, but I don't believe it. I think that he is just saying it to make me stop crying. I told him that I'll believe it when I see him standing in my house. I feel like a total mess. Yet I have to keep on a happy face because everyone is always in face when I'm upset. My parents ask what is wrong and then get mad when I talk about saying that it is a choice that I made and that I'm just being overdramatic. My thoughts aren't even coherent lately. This blog has been a rambling mess...although I feel better by writing it. Any girls out there--any advice would be appreciated. Peace.

To be or not to be...a wife

I seriously must be crazy. Either that or the Almighty is certainly fucking with me. Again, I have cried myself to sleep two days in a row. I thought that the first night, I was maybe just being emotional, and it looks like last night is much of the same and my eyes are filling up with tears as I rethink how I felt so terrible. I don't really know what is wrong this time. I am freaking out about nothing...or at least thats what George thinks. He doesn't want his friends to know that we're married. He doesn't want them to know until we have a real wedding. Which is going to be in five years. SO until then, I'm just Kelsey. Not Kelsey, his wonderful wife, not his beautiful wife, not his "I'm so proud to have you as my" wife. Just Kelsey. I know that this doens't mean he loves me any less. But this is how I feel. I feel as though he is saying, okay, I haven't seen you in a year...and I don't want to tell anyone we're married...and because my actions speak louder than words, I just don't really care how you feel. I know that it isn't like this. But still...thats how I'm feeling about it. I feel like I'm his dirty secret. It sucks. I feel bad though for George, being he must feel like nothing is good enough for me. That I'm always upset about something...which brings me to my first statement today...I seriously must be crazy. I love him more than anything. I want him to double take me. I want him to point me out to his friends and say "that girl, that is my girl." I want him to want to shout from the depths of the world that he is the luckiest man alive to be married to me. But somehow I think that might be a pleasant fiction for us. What is hard is that there are guys who want to give me that. And I want nothing to do with them. Guys from everywhere. They pour on the love and attention but I don't even notice because I only want that from George. Sometimes you can't have everything I guess. I know that no matter what, I'll get through this, most likely alone, like usual. And I know that George and I will be together forever, I just hope I don't live forever feeling like this.

Deadly Drink

How to make KILLER ~ EVIL EMILY By Em-Cat

1 shot vodka
1 shot creme de banana
1 shot kaluha
1 shot bailey's

fill with milk and put green straw and prepare for death.

Em's Deadly Drinks.
www.hammeredbeyondbelief.com

K Star ~ Super Heroin

Well...Thank the Lord for St. John's Wort. *smiles* Been taking it for little over a week and the clouds have lifted. I'm a much happier person. *smiles* So is George. We are getting along famously now. No more fighting, or arguing or anything. Bliss. Finally.

In more news, there is a chance we could move to Bahrain. I've been looking into it and I'm a go. I would love to move there. I know, all the trouble in the middle east seems harsh, but Bahrain is the Canada. Calm and peaceful, although always thrown into the mix by their neighours....*smiles* So Bahrain, if the Navy says go, we'll jump!

Beyond that, I'm almost done my immigration...I think. I'm waiting on my last piece of the puzzle, which is my passport and then interview in Vancouver at the US Embassy, and medical exam to make sure I don't have syphillis. Imagine. I asked if they would just take my word for it, but alas, the test must go on. Just another hurdle. I don't have any diseases in case you were concerned...in fact I'm surprised that I have no ailments. With the exception of being fat, which my friends and family view as an epidemic of AIDS porportions...I know I know...heart diesease, diabetes...yada yada yada...I'm having surgery, I'll be "healthy" in awhile.

Skidily (sk-id-ily) ~ Person who is homeless, does not own a car, can't buy their own drinks, drinks lysol, and pine sol, etc. Example: Fubar. More from Emily's drunk slur-ily dictionary to follow. I love drunk people. Myself included. Gangsta G included. Crying screeching messes of people excluded. Except Cammille. *laugh*

Have a great day peeps. Peace love and music. ANd above all else...Go Canucks.

Redemption

hi my kels, i just want you to know that i love you more than anything!!! i want to write down some stuff that i remember and i hope you remember too... (you better remember! haha) you falling asleep on my lap on the couch in silverdale kissing you at midnight watching the new years fire works on the tv in prince george giving you the bunny ears in a picture taken in the casino parking lot cuddling with you under the covers in valemount when i was freezing talking to you on the phone when you broke your foot hearing you say 'i love you' for the first time hearing your voice for the first time laying next to you for the first time in your bed (even though your bed was kinda gay) putting in blue contacts that didnt fit you hugging you in the airport (take your pick of the airport) holding your hand while driving laughing when you tried to drive my car kissing you when i came back from my first deployment in washington hearing your voice when i arrived in great lakes for boot camp calling you when i was sick from boot camp laying next to you in great lakes at my aunt and uncles house cuddling with you in mira mesa watching you get your tongue pierced watching tv with you kicking your ass playing uno and phase 10 or whatever the heck its called cooking you macaroni and cheese wearing my favorite (and your least favorite) shoes for the first time smoking hookah with you calling and saying happy 1st month anniversary eating chinese food with you for the first time (american chinese food is WAYYYYY better) waiting for hours for a table at PF Changs going to the lake with you watching the Gulls win a championship with you being there when you met my grandma watching you hang out with Leia for the first time sending you flowers sending you a mixed CD for valentines day laying next to you for the first time meeting your parents for the first time drinking way too much water at your parents house crawling on the floor at your parents house tessie crapping all over your bedroom you taking a picture of me with sophie hanging out with you and your grandpa in prince george when he talked about how weed is canada's cash crop watching your canucks beat the devils (they got lucky) at your friends house making fun of your team getting beat by edmonton *haha* hearing you say you hate the names madison and mckenzie hearing your voice for the first time staring into your beautiful green eyes for the first time making fun of your lesbian haircut in prince george :) us hanging out with robin and liza at that study group (hope you werent too bored) getting that photo book that you put perfume onto taking a picture of us kissing at new years giving you a lap dance us moving into the apartment in silverdale sleeping together at the navy lodge driving through the town "Weed" having our first *kids* (frog and fish) in silverdale laying with you on the couch at your parents house christmas morning freezing with you in your sisters car you taking a picture of me wearing that silly turtleneck you attacking me with cardboard hugging you making love to you all the places weve made love having italian food at buca di beppo in mira mesa having a bagel with cheese on it with you having wine with you at christmas dinner riding on the gondola with you at the zoo watching lord of the rings part 1 in prince george with you, and part 3 in great lakes kissing your neck for the first time laughing when you would turn the water on when you went to the bathroom so i couldnt listen touching your cute nose for the first time freaking out about all the rain in washington the night we drove into town saying 'te amo' to you for the first time running my hands through your hair my tongue touching your tongue (and how much you dont really like that) touching your boobs the first time hearing your laugh the first time on the phone you punching me in the arm taking you to the american idol concert you making fun of my dancing at PB bar & grill me sticking my fingers in your nose taking a picture with you in front of the christmas tree at your friends house driving from vancouver to valemount with you driving through that smelly ass town where they film a lot of porn in Canada kissing your feet and touching your feet writing 'i love you' on your skin with my fingers i love thinking about all of these times and all the memories we will share in our lives together!! I LOVE YOU!!!! forever your George

Angry Dragon

Hi again. It has been a few days of bliss. George and I talked about our problems and pretty much agreed to disagree. We decided that we will never talk about my weight again. We will never talk about his thoughts on my appearance again. I will keep my emotions and feelings to myself. And we will try harder. It so far is working okay although I'm feeling incredibly insecure. I feel like I have no idea where I stand in our relationship. What I mean is that I know that he loves me but I don't know to what extent he loves me. If we were in the same place, we could easily show each how much we love one another. But because we are far apart we have nothing but the phone, email, and the postal mail. It is hard to have a relationship like that. We talk more now, well the last week. I've been calling him in the middle of the night, or not going out so that we can talk as soon as I get home from work. I call in the morning so we can talk before I go to work. I'm really trying hard. And although he doesn't know it yet, I've written him cards and even made him cards telling him how much I care about him. I write nice emails and call to leave messages just to say "i love you." I'm just insecure because he doesn't do these things in return, all for valid reasons, he is busy...and I feel like sometimes that I am in a relationship with myself. He called today, just to tell me he missed me and I was so excited and smiling so much. Then I called to ask if he wanted the Christmas gifts I got him last year, which I know that he doesn't like. We didn't figure that one out but I' m just going to get rid of them...*soft smile* I'm a terrible gift giver. Anyways, a few weeks ago, I asked him if we could go on vacation for our birthdays...he said no, we can't afford it, so no big deal. We have alot of expenses this year. THen he tells me today that he wants to go to Vegas next weekend but isn't because of money but that he is going to go to Mexico in May. It's cool that he wants to go but makes no mention of taking me until I mention that I'd like to go to Cuba for my birthday. I do want to go there but I mainly only mention it because I want him to know what it feels like to feel as though I'm going to vacation by myself. He asks about it and I finally make the more mature decision not to get angry. I wasn't angry to begin with but I was a bit upset, which is the story of my life...because he thinks of himself as a single bachelor. I tend to think of us as a couple and I want us to have great birthdays this year which is why I suggested we go away together. I don't think he really understands what it means to be married. And although I'm fucking scared, I don't think he is ready to be married. I hope that by the time I get there, he will have figured it out. Perhaps I'm making too much out of nothing or being too harsh with him. I am his first serious relationship. I hope to be his last but I just don't know. I love him so much. But he just is changing so much. He is the man that I want forever but I just have doubts that I'm that woman to him. We talked a bit about my surgery last night. I was really proud of myself because I didn't get upset, or defensive or angry. We talked about it a bit abstractly. I'm doing my best at keeping all my feelings and emotions to myself but it is so hard. I hope he knows that. Back to this Mexico thing. So he wants to go and see his favourite band. Which is cool and I'd love to go so much but I feel like I'm not invited. I said that too him but realized that I was starting to fall into old patterns of just being cold and upset and was about to lash out when I stopped myself. Is it worth another fight? No. If he wants to go away without me, it is just something that I have to deal with. While he is there, perhaps I will go away too, and try to have a good time. I look at other couples and see how their lives are intertwined and they make plans together to do things...we don't do that, and mostly because we are far apart, but also because we don't have a strong enough marriage. We will really need to work on that when I get home. Wheww...I feel alot better now that I've gotten this all out of me. Sorry for the ranting if anyone is reading this. I am going through a difficult time emotionally and have no one to talk to so I write here...thanks. k

depression

i'm not suicidal. i'm just so depressed. background:http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/amos/postdetail/1693680.html?vc=0#1693680now: i just talked to my husband. he is shutting down about this. i made the promise never to talk about this again. it is eating me alive. i feel as though i am dying slowly. my weight has never been an issue for me. it is consuming my life now. i love who i am. i love what i look like. i am content being a fat girl. i do consider the risks associated with being obese but as far as i know, i have no health problems...besides depression. i am again floating from bulimia to anorexia and then over-eating. i feel very depressed. i often look at myself and think, you're such a pretty girl, what is wrong with you. I want my husband to think that i am too. it is killing me that he wants me to lose weight. i don't know why i can't just get over it. it has been six years and the pain still seems like yesterday. i cry every single day. i have no one to talk to because all they say is for me to leave him, that isn't going to happen. my friends think that i'm stupid to stay with a man who makes me feel so terrible about myself and my family thinks that he is right and that i am a disgusting mess. the problem is that it isn't completely his fault. i am the fat disgusting one, he didn't make me that. he didn't force me to become this huge mess of a person. it is rather funny, i see photos of myself and am shocked about how fat i actually am. i think of myself as a size 12 rather than 24. I just don't see it. that is the problem really, because he is forced to see it everytime he sees me. i told him tonight that we probably can't make love because i can't bare him to see me and have to touch something that he finds so disgusting. i'm afraid that i will lose him over this, because men need sex and i fear that he will stray to find it. i mean, he might stray regardless. he tells me over and over how much he loves me and how he will love me forever regardless but then i just sit and feel that why can't you love my body then? why can't you just leave me as you found me. i always thought that once you met the true love of your life that they would love you completely unconditionally. that they would see me as the most gorgeous being. i know that my husband loves me more than anything else but i can't get over the fact that he isn't attracted to me. it makes me feel as though i've been shot...the pain is that real. our phone conversation ended tonight in my heaving tears. he didn't have anything to say, he was just silent listening to my sobs. he hurts too. he hurts because i'm hurting and he feels guilty for making me feel like this. sometimes i think that maybe we aren't meant to be, but those thoughts are fleeting as i love him so much and i can't imagine being out of his life for one second. part of my is being rational and thinking that he is right, and this surgery will be the best for us, for my health and my emotional issues. i know that i'm close to my breaking point and i keep thinking, i'll just have a chocolate and feel better, and now i've had two and have to run to the bathroom to vomit. my life feels like it is shambles and i can't clean up. i can't seem to get away from this, might be that i'm listening to country music alot lately. all the songs about love are so beautiful and i want my love to by like that. i want to be beautiful and gorgeous and in love. i want to be that music video girl who is adored and loved and who feels like she is at the top of the world. i realize that this isn't reality but it just feels like that is the way that love is supposed to be. my love is good but it isn't that kind of love. it isn't complete. i love every single thing about my husband but he doesn't reciprocate the feelings. it is hard. very very hard. i am rambling on and on so i'll leave off here. thanks for listening.

I love George so much it hurts.

Well. George and I finally talked today. I guess we are kinda starting over. He is going to make an effort to at least call or email me once a week. His work is keeping him very very busy. And right now there isn't alot of room for me, which has tears in my eyes right now, but I will deal with it. I've also promised him that I will keep my emotions and insecurities to myself, so look out if anyone is reading this blog, it will all get posted here. I am really sad right now. My marriage is or has fallen apart but at least we have agreed to try and fix it. If I could sue immigration for doing this to us, I definately would. My world feels like it has fallen apart...although I am not one of those wives who lives completely through their husbands...he is the most important part of my life. And I just feel like he totally doesn't care as much as he used to. Perhaps it is because we are far apart and haven't seen each other for a really long time. I am going to have to put on a happy face for him though. He is really stressed about work and his life in Texas and so I need to make things easier on him and not rely on him for my happiness. He doesn't rely on me for his happiness so really I should be less selfish.

A friend recently told me that I am the most selfish and manipulating person he knows. And although he said it as constructive critism and I know he wasn't trying to be hurtful, it still bothered me alot. But it is true. I am alot like that. I do what I have to do to keep the attention on me. With George, I seem to pick fights just to hear that he cares. He is so busy that he forgets how much attention I require. I am an extreamly difficult woman to have. I require an abundance of attention to be happy. It sucks that George can't do that. I really need to grow up and be able to be happy and okay with just me and not anyone else. If I can't do that, my marriage is over. And I definately don't want that. He has no idea how I feel right now because I don't want him to. I don't want him to know that this is killing me inside because he doesn't deserve to be upset by this, because it is my own fault. I am very depressed and he can't do anything about it.

My plans for my big wedding and having babies in the near future are gone. I can't possibly bring a child into this world that I am living in. I can't be sad all the time...what kind of a life would that be. I see my friends around me falling in love and having babies and getting married...usually in opposite order...or rather, love, marriage and babies. It sucks that I can't be like them more. But things happen for a reason and I can't change my fate.

Fate, an interesting thought. I feel like I must have done something wrong in the past to have my fate twist like it has in the past two years although I must stay thankful for what I do have. I am not worse off than most and am actually alot better off that alot. I just imagined my life to be so much different. At this point I would be finishing law school and getting ready to start my career and my family. I didn't ever imagine that I would still be living at home with my parents, loving a man who doesn't know how to love me and be in Canada away from my husband. I didn't think I would be married like this iether but that was a choice that I made to forgo everthing I ever wanted for a wedding. I don't believe that George wants to have a real wedding. He is completely content with having the people in his life not know that I am his wife. His family and friends have no idea. My entire life knows...my family and friends. I am unsure why George is so adamnt that they need not know but I have a sneaking suspicion that my worst nightmare might be why. Only time will tell if it is something I will be able to experience. Until then I live through my friends. I'm beginning to annoy myself with melodramatics...I'msigning on until later. I'm fine...really.

When will it be better?

How do you say I love you long distance? How do you make it right when you're so far away. What do you do when you crave attention and affection from someone who is a million miles away? It is so hard. I feel as though I'm alone even though I'm half of a wonderful marriage. A marriage that is wonderful when I'm actually there with him. Or when we can communicate like we used to. My "George" folder is full of romantic and beautiful words that he has written to me over the past six years. His skill as a writer is unmatched in that he can make me feel like the most important woman alive. Lately he has become busy and amused by other things and I feel very neglected. It isn't just him though, I know that my pretty emails have also been not there however I have been making an effort for the past few weeks to rectify this. I write my heart out to him and I get no response. I call and leave "I love you" messages to no reply. He calls when he isn't busy and then we talk for like five minutes while I'm at work and I can't control when guests need me. It is so frusterating. I know that he is busy and that I can't be so selfish to believe that his world revolves around me, but seriously, what kind of relationship do we have? I know that things are already weird for us because we're stuck in different countries and we both work opposite shifts at work and we're on a time difference...but still...shouldn't we be able to make this work and make each other feel good about things? I don't know what to do. I miss him so much. I miss the us that is good. I miss feeling like I'm the most important part of his life. I miss being the happy girl that he calls to say "I love you" to before he goes to bed. I hope that once I get home this mess goes away on its own. Until then I pray...

MC.BIG.K

Well good morning, or rather early afternoon. I'm sitting at the computer in my living room of windows looking around pretty amazed by mother nature. We have a tonne of snow today. Three days ago, there was green grass outside these windows and now there is over a foot of fresh snow. Winter is wonderful.

The above comment is a bit of a departure from my last one of meloncholy and depression. Things are okay. I would say no better nor any worse than before. I'm still insecure and feeling jaded. I am still anxious and nervous about this surgery that I will be attempting. But all should be good once it happens, perhaps I can begin to have a normal life. Normal, what is that these days?

THe other night I accidently got really drunk. I was having wine and just lost it. Probably due to alot of the stress that I have been feeling lately. Apparently I was crying and laughing, smoking hookah while passed out and just totally out of it. I feel a bit bad because I apparently was going on and on about missing everyone and I'm not even gone yet. I was a bit out of control, not dancing on the table naked but my mouth was running, so for anyone reading this, I apologize. I need to keep more to myself. I think because I know that I am leaving really soon that I appreciate the fact that my close friends here will be so far from me later on. I miss them already I know because moving to yet another place where I know no one will be hard but no problem. I love meeting new people. Anyways, if you're reading this and I was retarded to you on MOnday...SORRY!

Anyways, I'm reading more and more into the vancouver hip hop scene. I'm inspired and interested. Look out for MC.BIG.K. *laughing*

My Emotional Battle

This is my first posting in my obsesity help forum. Everyone keeps asking why I have these mood swings and why I can't seem to just be content from day to day...the reason is because I'm having an emotional battle rage inside me everyday. I feel a bit uncomfortable writing this on here, but then again, writing is my release and even just typing this all out has made me feel better. Please don't judge my relationship, thats not my intent by writing this or think that George is a monster, he isn't, he is just the unfortunate man who fell in love with a fat girl. A person can't choose their feelings or attractions, I've come to realize this now which is why we are still together. My road is far from over and I'm only beginning to climb the mountain of emotions that I will need to conquer before I can consider myself normal, but I will get there eventually. *smiles*


SO, here I am. I'm Kelsey. I'm fat. I am 5'0" and about 292. I'm a very large girl. I met my husband six years ago. I was then about 230 or so. We fell in love and had a long distance relationship becuase i was in canada going to school and he was in the us going to school. after one short visit we had "the talk" about my weight because i felt something was wrong, even though he constantly told me how beautiful i was. i as it turned out was right. he did have a problem with my weight. he finally after many many tears said that he isn't attracted to me. my entire world was shattered. i grew up in a household where being fat was akin to being addited to drugs, it was embarassing and disgusting yet i kept my head high and was the most confident person i knew. after hearing that from the mouth of someone i loved so much i just knew that this was a turning point, either i go on and lose my confidence or i ditch this guy who is making me feel terrible. fortunately for me i am stronger that i thought. we stayed together and i explained to him that my body is my own and that if he has a problem with that then he needs to leave because i'm not about to change for anyone. he says okay, i love you and i'll get over my issues.fast forwardthree years. during this time we've moved in together, i've gained more weight, but i'm happiest about life. i start to notice things are weird. he won't hold my hand in public, i haven't met any of his childhood friends, and he keeps his distance when we're out. we again have the talk because something is wrong yet again he claims that nothing is wrong but that as we grow up he isn't into being affectionate in public, although the compliments are becoming rather non-exsistant. he makes sly ploys to say that i have pretty eyes or a nice smile but not th usual, you're beautiful compliment. so i leave it alone, but slowly i'm noticing myself becme bitter. fast foward to now. we are living separately. not by choice though. i'm home in canada awaiting my immigration paperwork. he is in the us, posted with the navy now. he works out constantly and is beyond gorgeous, insdie and out. i get drunk one night and ask him straight out if he is really okay with my weight and shockingly he claims he isn't. he tells me that he isn't attracted to me. not physically or sexually. i lose it. i am living at home again, hearing from my parents how my obesitiy is disgusting and how i need to care about my body (as if i don't at all). i totally break this time. this is the man that i love more than naything, the man that i would give my life for. how can he look me in the eye and say that he loves my completely when he can't love my body? i am a mess. I have off and on episodes with anorexia and bulimia. other times i over eat to say f*u to everyone in my life who can't seem to keep their mouths shut. i have no shortage of men telling me how beautiful i am however i want to hear this from the lips of the only man who can't say it. what do I do? I lose my confidence totally this time. i cover it up by dying my hair crazy and wearing and obscene amoutn of makeup. i joke about it and poke fun at myself before anyone else can. at night i cry myself to sleep. i have become a shell of the person i was. i am paranoid that my husband is cheating because why not? i'm here and he is there. due to work contraints and deployment, we haven't seen each other in over a year and before that was only for threedays...so really, we havne't been together in two years. i am losing my mind. does he not want to see me because he finds me disgusting? He says no but whatother reason could there be, there is no way that the navy keeps him that busy, is there? I am conflicted, is he cheating but still want to be with me. we fight alot now. about this about me freaking out about everything. he didn't get me a christmas gift this year i read into it and think he is trying to get rid of me. he bought me a tonne of gifts from the middle east deployment, is this because he was sleeping with someone else over there? he likes women with glasses, does this mean that the girls on his friends list on myspace are his new love interests? I am totally losing it. I have become that girl that i promised him i would never be. i want to blame him, i want to say that it is because you can't find me attractive but you know what they say, first time a victim, second time a volunteer. it makes me question everything. if he would lie about something like being attracted to me what else could he lie about. i feel embarassed and ashamed looking back at our memories together. i would walk around our house naked, i would bath with the door open so he could see me. i would wear sexy sheer lingerie. i would do exotic sexual positions. i am now horrified that i let him see me like that. it is my fault, becuase nowthat i am paranoid and deflated i see the signs. him telling me to shut the door during those baths. him calling me national geographic when i would change in front of him. never comenting on the choice of clothing i would wear, in or out of bed. i have dug myself a hole. this is one of those days when i just wish i could go to sleep and never wake up. i sit here after not eating since my fathers comment about gaining a whole bunch of weight. because i haven't gained a whole bunch of weight. but i don't want to hear any comments when i eat. i feel like puking. so we (my husband and I) have decided that I willl be applying for wls when i get back to the us. we have decided that it will be better for us. he says little comments about it being all about my health but we both know better. i do worry about health risks frombeing obese. but evidently i don't worry enough to want to change because i don't really want to. i want to have a normal life, with a husband who thinks i'm the most gorgeous woman alive. he is the only man i have ever been with who has ever had a problem with my weight, or perhaps the others were just oscar winning actors. so we go on, i'm going to have the procedure. i am feeling bitter and forced but i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. all the voices will be stopped. i will no longer feel disgusting around those who are supposed to love me unconditionally. i will no longer worry about eating in front of them. i will be able to run around after my future babies witout getting winded and hopefully i can keep my husband satisfied and at home for intimacy. i don't know what the future will hold. i'm scared, nervous but also a bit excited because feeling this depression and anxiety just isn't how i want to live. this is my emotional battle.

Following is the post reply that I wrote after recieving many emails about how horrible my husband is and how my marriage is only going to fall apart. Things aren't as they always appear, I'm a testimony to that. If you are going to comment, please try to understand and realize that George never meant to hurt me and that he is trying to make things better for me...

All of your words of encouragment are outstanding. *smiles* I wrote and wrote all my feelings out but i realize now that i have made my husband out to be a monster. he isn't. he doesn't say hurtful things ever. he loves me alot. he does anything i ask. he kisses the pain away (when we are together.) I am doing this for us. It is so hard for me to reconcile all these feelings. George has never forced me into this choice although it sometimes feels that way. He has made it very very clear that he loves me regardless...and that should I choose to do nothing, and stay the same fat girl,that he will still love me and be with me forever. It is me who wants mroe though, i want to be the sexiest woman alive, to him. I want to see that experience that through his actions. It is an emotional battle. Some days I want to walk away because i know that there are men out there who could treat me how i want now and not after the weight loss, but the problem is I only want him. He has been there for me through some very tragic and trumatic times in my life and i'm not willing to lose him over a hundred pounds. as a married woman i look at how things with benefit or not benefit us as acouple as a family rather than how things will work out for me alone. the wls is something for us togehter. he will get the woman he has been dreaming of and i will get a longer livespan. he will get to grow old with me and i will get his constant companionship. it is a hard road, any woman reading this knows that, and i know that this life changing has to be on my own terms but if it means that i can have my perfect marriage, i'm about willing to try anything.thank you so much for your words of encouragment, i feel as though i'm in a dark tunnel but seeing your rays of light is really really helpful!

Las Vegas in my living room!

So, it has been a month since I posted. I've been pretty busy. And bored. And meloncholy. BUt beyond that...life is...well...bright. Today is the day that my Mum has chosen to raise the CHristmas tree. My sister and her beau went and got the perfect tree...yes here in Canada we cut down our own trees, we don't buy them from factories in North Dakota. So after much yelling and mailto:f#@k, the tree is now up. Mum has strung on the lights. We have a mini Las Vegas in our living room. Completely with the scantily dressed Pussycat Dolls (our cats are ONLY wearing their joker-like Christmas collars.) I think we may be using all the electricity for the entire village. But it looks gorgeous. As our faithful Angel looks down at her glowing radiance which illuminates from beneath her dress, I find it fitting that her candle is blue. This isn't the greatest Christmas. George isn't here. My baby brother is driving a road that has claimed dozens of lives this week. My sister has moved out and I'm 24, in my parents house, with no idea when I get to go home. I'm such a whiner. In other news, three of the main gifts I got for Mum Blair and Emily have not arrived yet. I'm a little irritated, but then again, leaving it to the last minute to buy gifts online isn't the best idea. No domestic princess am I. Oh well, bring on the rum and eggnog, or maybe just the rum! Happy Holidays!

(Not) coming home for the Holidays

So. I'm sitting here in these arctic temperatures. I'm mildly amused today. I'm feeling funny and witty, although I doubt that it goes far beyond my own random mind. On to today's topic.

George is not coming home for Christmas.

Now I need to clarify, Canada is not George's home. But "they" say that 'home is where the heart is...' and I'm here in Canada, so isn't that where his heart is so meaning that this is home? Makes sense to me, although I'm the same girl who thought that beets were marinated turnips. Go figure. So George decided to go to San Diego for Christmas. It caused a huge fight and a wealth of crying on my part. I also won an oscar for my performance as the over-emotional, crazy, depressed, irrational princess wife. I cried for two days straight. I didn't go out, I didn't leave my bed really. All I could think is "why doesn't he want to see me? " and " he hasn't seen me in a year, what the fuck?" It doesn't help that those closest to me feel the need to only reinforce those ideas into my head..."obviously he doesn't want to see you" or "maybe if you weren't so fat he'd like to see you more" or " maybe he has someone else, it has been almost two years you know...". Now I am not the most sane person at the best of times. This has made me insane. I have started drinking coffee again because the depression takes my energy and makes me want to lay in my cold bed for the rest of my life. Although perhaps it is my dual personality that gets me back into the game by saying, "fuck that, I'm going out and getting drunk, and fight with him until he comes here." So that is what I did...kinda. We talked about it and it is the right choice for him to go to San Diego for the little time he has off. Getting to me is only worth it if you have a lot of days to spare, which he doesn't. I don't even live near an airport, closest one is five hours away...five hours on a very shitty highway. Besides that, immigration says that I should get to go home in January, so whats another month. It still hurts, and I don't think about it too much because I start feeling my eyes well up with tears...but thats life...take everyday and make it the best that you can. *smiles* We will have many more holidays to celebreate together.

Phat or Fat Tyra?

Tyra Banks Goes Undercover As Obese WomanNov 2, 3:42 PM EST
The Associated Press
LOS ANGELES -- Tyra Banks has gone undercover as a 350-pound woman. Banks wore the fat suit to experience what it's like to be obese.
"It seemed like the last form of open discrimination that's OK, and I decided to put on a 350-pound suit myself and live that life for a day and see what happens," the 31-year-old former supermodel told AP Radio in a recent interview. "And it was one of the most heartbreaking days of my life."
Banks said she was shocked at the reaction.
"I started walking down the street and within 10 seconds, a trio of people looked at me, snickered, looked me right in my eye and started pointing and laughing in my face," the talk-show host said. "And I had no idea it was that blatant."
The segment will air Monday on "The Tyra Banks Show."
Banks, who had a sonogram on her show in September to prove that her breasts are real, is also planning a Nov. 18 segment on pursuing "a beautiful booty."
She will reveal her own "dimpled butt" and receive endermologie treatment on the set.


***Good attempt Tyra...maybe just stick to being Paris Hilton. I'm not all that impressed with this however it is a step in the right direction for women like Tyra to understand that being fat isn't the only issue that overweight women experience. There is the constant complaint of society. I tend to overlook people on the street or that I don't know who make comments because they are most likely just insecure and ignorant people so why care about an opinion of a person like that? I do agree that it is the last acceptable discrimmination and it shouldn't be. Thanks for stepping a day into my world...now wear that home to your boyfriend and then tell me how heartbreaking it is...***

Immortal Technique~The Poverty of Philosophy

Immortal Technique ~ Poverty of Philosophy
This is my favourite Immortal Technique song...although it is spoken word. It is one of the most intense and compelling pieces that I have ever heard. Educate yourself, listen and learn.
k

Most of my Latino and black people who are struggling to get food, clothes and shelter in the hood are so concerned with that, that philosophising about freedom and socialist democracy is usually unfortunately beyond their rationale. They don't realize that America can't exist without separating them from their identity, because if we had some sense of who we really are, there's no way in hell we'd allow this country to push it's genocidal consensus on our homelands. This ignorance exists, but it can be destroyed.Nigga talk about change and working within the system to achieve that. The problem with always being a conformist is that when you try to change the system from within, it's not you who changes the system; it's the system that will eventually change you. There is usually nothing wrong with compromise in a situation, but compromising yourself in a situation is another story completely, and I have seen this happen long enough in the few years that I've been alive to know that it's a serious problem. Latino America is a huge colony of countries whose presidents are cowards in the face of economic imperialism. You see, third world countries are rich places, abundant in resources, and many of these countries have the capacity to feed their starving people and the children we always see digging for food in trash on commercials. But plutocracies, in other words a government run by the rich such as this one and traditionally oppressive European states, force the third world into buying overpriced, unnecessary goods while exporting huge portions of their natural resources.I'm quite sure that people will look upon my attitude and sentiments and look for hypocrisy and hatred in my words. My revolution is born out of love for my people, not hatred for others.You see, most of Latinos are here because of the great inflation that was caused by American companies in Latin America. Aside from that, many are seeking a life away from the puppet democracies that were funded by the United States; places like El Salvador, Guatemala, Peru, Columbia, Nicaragua, Ecuador and Republica Dominicana, and not just Spanish-speaking countries either, but Haiti and Jamaica as well.As different as we have been taught to look at each other by colonial society, we are in the same struggle and until we realize that, we'll be fighting for scraps from the table of a system that has kept us subservient instead of being self-determined. And that's why we have no control over when the embargo will stop in Cuba, or when the bombs will stop dropping in Vieques.But you see, here in America the attitude that is fed to us is that outside of America there live lesser people. "Fuck them, let them fend for themselves." No, Fuck you, they are you. No matter how much you want to dye your hair blonde and put fake eyes in, or follow an anorexic standard of beauty, or no matter how many diamonds you buy from people who exploit your own brutally to get them, no matter what kind of car you drive or what kind of fancy clothes you put on, you will never be them. They're always gonna look at you as nothing but a little monkey. I'd rather be proud of what I am, rather than desperately trying to be something I'm really not, just to fit in. And whether we want to accept it or not, that's what this culture or lack of culture is feeding us.I want a better life for my family and for my children, but it doesn't have to be at the expense of millions of lives in my homeland. We're given the idea that if we didn't have these people to exploit then America wouldn't be rich enough to let us have these little petty material things in our lives and basic standards of living. No, that's wrong. It's the business giants and the government officials who make all the real money. We have whatever they kick down to us. My enemy is not the average white man, it's not the kid down the block or the kids I see on the street; my enemy is the white man I don't see: the people in the white house, the corporate monopoly owners, fake liberal politicians those are my enemies. The generals of the armies that are mostly conservatives those are the real Mother-Fuckers that I need to bring it to, not the poor, broke country-ass soldier that's too stupid to know shit about the way things are set up.In fact, I have more in common with most working and middle-class white people than I do with most rich black and Latino people. As much as racism bleeds America, we need to understand that classism is the real issue. Many of us are in the same boat and it's sinking, while these bougie Mother-Fuckers ride on a luxury liner, and as long as we keep fighting over kicking people out of the little boat we're all in, we're gonna miss an opportunity to gain a better standard of living as a whole.In other words, I don't want to escape the plantation I want to come back, free all my people, hang the Mother-Fucker that kept me there and burn the house to the god damn ground. I want to take over the encomienda and give it back to the people who work the land.You cannot change the past but you can make the future, and anyone who tells you different is a Fucking lethargic devil. I don't look at a few token Latinos and black people in the public eye as some type of achievement for my people as a whole. Most of those successful individuals are sell-outs and house Negros.But, I don't consider brothers a sell-out if they move out of the ghetto. Poverty has nothing to do with our people. It's not in our culture to be poor. That's only been the last 500 years of our history; look at the last 2000 years of our existence and what we brought to the world in terms of science, mathematics, agriculture and forms of government. You know the idea of a confederation of provinces where one federal government controls the states? The Europeans who came to this country stole that idea from the Iroquois lead. The idea of impeaching a ruler comes from an Aztec tradition. That's why Montezuma was stoned to death by his own people 'cause he represented the agenda of white Spaniards once he was captured, not the Aztec people who would become Mexicans.So in conclusion, I'm not gonna vote for anybody just 'cause they black or Latino they have to truly represent the community and represent what's good for all of us proletariat.Viva la revolution!

Happy Halloween

Saturday night's alright! Went to the Halloween Dance. Dressed up as Foxy Disco Diva! Yes, that is a blonde afro...for those of you who don't know me as well as you should, I considered getting my natural hair done like that but for fear that my hair guru might actually kill me, I decided on the wig. *smiles* It was a super great time. If you are interested in seeing more photos...

www.flickr.com/photos/vivaglam

We had a great time. I had a bit too much to drink but thank the heavens, no hangover yesterday for work. Tired yes, but no headache...happy day. The costumes were great. Valemount isn't as bad as I always thought. This was a dance where I knew everyone and had a blast.

Friday Night I was a chaperone for the High School Halloween Dance. Talk about feeling ancient. And I got a huge eye-opening. See, I always got drunk before the dances in high school, just like everyone else I went to school with. Upon walking into the gym on Friday I realized just how retarded I was to think that no one noticed. How could you not??? *laughing* The kids thought, like I once did, that they were being so smooth and hiding it so well. They definately were not. *laugh* And while I didn't have to get anyon in trouble, I did have to get in the middle of a girl fight. It is unbelieveable the things that teenage girls find to fight about. *laughing* Stop the insanity!

As for Halloween day...I'm sitting around in my casual clothes, making a CD, contemplating life and getting stoked to ride the firetruck tonight! *laughing* Here in the Valley we have fireworks at night on Halloween and the firemen just happen to be my best friends so I get to ride in the firetruck! Yea, and have hot chocolate, yes I'm only 6. *laughing* Gotta run, it is shower time.

Kayne West for President

I've been doing alot of soul searching lately. It seems that when I'm listening to music I always identify with the lyrics. I've been listening to alot of Kanye lately. Specifically "Jesus Walks." This song is so incredible for so many reasons. He says exactly how I've been feeling lately. "I wanna talk to God but I'm afraid because we haven't spoken in so long." Thats me. I really am desperate to find my faith. I want to be able to have a personal relationship with something bigger than myself, something undefinable, something wise and all-seeing. I sound a bit like an infomercial. THere was a time when I read the bible everyday, not alot as I was very very young and didn't understand, but I felt that "God" was the only entity out there who understood me. I'm faced with the same feeling right now. I want to find my faith but I'm afriad because of all that I have seen and done in the past years. I went from Sunday School good girl, to atheist bad girl, to Wiccan-ritual doing, spritual magic doer, to lost in the forest of religion. I have a few close friends who are devote Catholics, they've been extreamly kind to me, and very very helpful in the faith-seeking nature of mine. I have other friends who are Christian and pretty much keep to themselves about religion. I am tired of hearing the pulpit being used as a political soap box. I am also sick of those who are so into being "God's children" but so self riteous that they lose sight of what is really important and don't even get me started on the wannbe's. I don't think that religion is something that makes you cool or uncool, it is a personal thing but it isn't something to be used for the wrong reasons. Kayne West talks about what is wrong the world and how only Jesus can save us. Maybe he is right, maybe he isn't but I think he is getting the message right. He has his mind in the right place. What appeals most to be as far as Kayne's faith is that he doesn't expect a person to be perfect. He talks about wanting the wrong things from the music business. He talks about smoking pot and having one night stands. He talks about putting himself out there trying to do what he feels is right and getting thrown off course because of his human nature. What is important is that he tries to stay true to himself. If Kanye ran for President, I'd vote yes any day!

My Ode to Sweatshop Union

My Ode to Sweatshop Union (taken from my Myspace blog.)

So October 18th came. I was beside myself with excitement. It felt like Christmas eve. I was finally going to be able to see my favourite lyricists in person: live show. Sweatshop Union was making a stop in Jasper and I had gotten the days off to go see the show. I worked that morning, hardly able to concentrate, so curious and excited about the night before me. We all got together and got ready, got in the van and drove to Jasper. When we first got to the club I was dismayed to see that there was no one inside...my first thought was that perhaps they had cancelled, but DJ Rob said that the show was going to be a late one so I didn't worry too much more. We walked outside, the girls started going a bit insane and waving and pointing, turns out that our group was staying in the hotel room right above the club, so we waved and went along our merry way to get some pre-show drinks. After a couple of gin and tonics later we were ready. We headed back to the B and got our tables...the boys had more drinking inmind and quickly the excitment and bodies in the club grew. My favourite Kyprios song came on so Nicki and I went and danced, and I was just feeling good and having a great time when I looked over to Rob the DJ and noticed him talking to Kyprios. I almost fell down. *laugh* I am such the drama queen and I was so unsure what to do. The guys from the group were all standing there, less than five feet from us but I didn't want to be that girl who runs over and gushes all over them, but then I also knew that they knew that I knew who they were so I should probably do something. In perfect big sister form I sent over baby sister to say hello. She was alot more intoxicated than I and had no quams going over to the boys and saying hello. I kept dancing and just getting more and more stoked for the show. Pretty soon they were announcing the Sweatshop Union. The night flew by after this, what was two hours seemed like 2 minutes. They were much better than I had expected. When I worked as a talent scount for Trans Continental Talent in LA, I saw hundreds of hip hop shows, and usually either the show was good and the CD wasn't or vice versa. Because I had heard only Sweatshop's CD's and Kyprios live I wasn't too sure what to expect. Rapping on stage in front of a live crowd is a tough task, the breathing has to be just right, flow, and music has to perfect. They were AWESOME! I was beyond impressed really. I was spellbound. Although they were missing one member (Get well soon) they rocked my socks right off! I want to praise each member individually but I feel a bit ridiculous calling them by their "handles" I feel like such a groupie although after reading the above, obviously I am...*laugh* To begin with, Marmalade...looks like a regular cutie. White boy can spit! He was solid during the entire show, has a smile that I'm sure melts many hearts and a range with his voice that keeps lyrical fans totally enthralled. Impressive. Metty. Has this odd sex appeal. I'm not usually a fan of the skater guy but he has this stage personality that makes him irresistable. He raps like he was born doing it. He was the only one I didn't get to say thanks for the show too, so thanks! Dusty...the dreds are great! The dancing was even better. This guy is unreal. Speaks so fast that his voice makes its own music. Not to mention his happy and genuine smiles! DJ Itchy Ron...I love New York too! Great work on the tables...being a DJ is super hard work but Ron makes it look so easy. He has this shy smile, sings with the hooks and scratches his way through the sets...he makes everything work together...a live DJ to spin, every MC should be so lucky. Mos...where do I begin. Okay, so I have a soft spot for those black/brown eyes. He was fantastic. The lyrics and ryhmes that he raps, you can tell come from his soul. He puts alot of passion into the stage show and makes eye contact with the crowd. He was so mesmerizing it was hard to take your eyes off him. Kyprios. My old friend from last summer. Incredible yet again. He really has an integral place within this group although solo he is awesome too. Kyprios has a presence on the stage that only adds to aura of the Union. Kyprios has a way of speaking that goes beyond rapping...he is truly the master of the spoken word. Live he is almost possessed by his hip hop soul. The way that he moves, the way that he plays around, the way that the words leap from his mouth and into your mind...it is truly something to see. Thank you Sweatshop Union! SO yea, I guess you can say that I loved the show. I will definately be seeking them out to see again and again and I will also help to educate the world of the greatness of Sweatshop Union. They're here to show the the world how strong CANADA IS!

The Weight Debate

So I finally, four months after getting the email, looked at the gastric bypass page. I'm so scared. I am scared that I will go ahead with this surgery and ruin my life. I am also scared not to do this surgery and live my life unhealthy and unattracitve. Although it isn't about looks for me, I know that I'm fine now. I am not really sure how to feel about this. I realize that my weight is getting out of control but shouldn't I really deeply want to change it? Because I don't feel that way everyday. Some days, I'm all gung-ho, and other days, I'm totally against it. Do I have more than one personality? Perhaps. I don't know. If anyone reading this has any information that they'd like to pass on, please do!

In totally unrelated news, Hootie and the Blowfish have a new song out. Just the sound of his voice brings me back to grade eight. Hanging around the arcade, being silly but trying to be so mature. Life is funny. When I was that age I thought that by 20 my life would be planned and running smoothly. I kinda always knew I would move to the US...but I didn't think it would be like this. In all honestly, as far as George is concerned, my life is better than I had hoped at 13, but career wise I am a total failure to my youth. I had planned to graduate law school by 23. Here I am 24 years old and no law degree...no real job...not even living with my husband. I also thought that I would definately have kids by 25. I am so not ready yet although my biological clock is thundering inside me. Everytime I see a baby, I am almost in tears and I just look at my friends who have children around me and how together their lives seem. Maybe that's what I'm missing, just having my life together. I am such a mess. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I love doing makeup, and would love to be a makeup artist but when it comes down to it, I don't think it would be good enough for me to feel satisfied. That being said, I don't want an office job. I want a job that I love, that is always changing and that helps people. I really want to go into politics. I am good at public speaking. I have good ideas and strong ideals. I just don't know where to start. Blah blah blah. I am feeling that I am in a crossroads right now, I feel that I need to start making a choice. Even though I've been in a holding pattern for over a year due to this immigration nightmare...at least I think we're on the downward slope now. Or so I hope. Well I need to run off and do my laundry.

Move over Eros

The New Happiest Place on Earth

**can you believe this? who needs Disneyworld???**

LONDON (AP) -
Developers announced plans Friday to open a multimillion dollar sexual "theme park" near London's Piccadilly Circus, home to the much-photographed statue of the Greek god of love. Backers say the London Academy of Sex and Relationships, due to open next spring, will not be a sleazy sex museum, but an educational multimedia attraction that will teach visitors to become better lovers and provide valuable information about disease and sexual problems.
Located within the Trocadero entertainment centre - just around the corner from Soho, London's red-light district - the $8.3 million US project will feature unspecified "high tech and interactive exhibits."
Alex Rayner, a spokesman for the project, said it was "committed to avoiding the sleazy image that the sex industry usually conjures."
"Titillation is not the goal," he said. "It's meant to be educational. It's meant to be informative."
The privately funded project has support from sexual health organizations including the Sexual Dysfunction Association and AIDS charity The Terrence Higgins Trust.
"It is long overdue that the U.K. faces up to its responsibilities in the sexual arena - we cannot simply avoid mankind's leading preoccupation and the issues that go with it," said the academy's director of exhibits, Dr. Sarah Brewer. "The academy is the perfect vehicle by which to address these important matters in an exciting, amusing and yet educational way."
Several cities around the world - including New York, Amsterdam, Barcelona and Paris - are home to erotic museums. Typically, they exhibit everything from pornography to high-minded paintings exploring local sexual attitudes and culture.

Welcome Mr. and Mrs. Schepens!

So this weekend I was blessed to attend the wedding of two of my favourite people. Shane and Carrie, if you are reading this, your wedding was incredible. You two are an inspiration to all who know you. I love you guys! For those of you who don't know Shane and Carrie, they are the world newly married super couple. Carrie is this sweet, adorable, strong and motivated woman who is also my sorority sister (we were initated as sisters, we stay as sisters.) Carrie and I met at UNBC in 1999. She was a bright rainbow. Carrie doesn't have a favourite colour, she says her favourite is the rainbow, which is exactly like her. A carebear. *smiles* She gives the greatest hugs (sorry George.) She can always pick you up when you're down, and she makes me laugh constantly. She is going to make the world's best teacher. Obviously her love for children will make her the most sought after Montessori (sorry if I spelled it wrong) teacher on the planet.

Shane and I met through Student Success Week. I believe that we had met before then actually but we became friends through that two week session. Shane was my saving grace at 7 am with a hot pot of coffee and a quick smile. I quickly fell in love with Shane. Not romantically but on a purely friendship level. Shane and I have alot in common actually. Not only are we smart but we're also so cute. *laugh* Okay, maybe Shane is alot more smart than I and perhaps a bit cuter! *smile* Shane and I then started working at NUGSS (Northern Undergraduate Student Society.) I was Vice President Director of Internal Affairs and Shane was Vice President Director of Finance. Shane was unreal. He had the numbers down to a science, and any question I possibly had about anything UNBC he knew it. Shane also has a huge heart. When I was having troubles in NUGSS due to 23 of my available 24 hours a day devoted to the office and student society stuff, I had little time for class and Shane helped to bring me back to reality of why I was at UNBC. Shane also was always available to offer a huge hug and a quick smile whenever I was feeling less than stellar. Now you might be thinking that is it. Shane and I also shared another passion, politics. Between him and the other boys on our board of directors, I learned anything and everything that I know from them. Shane taught me how to use the facts, to always put your heart and soul into it and to always always always do what is right no matter what it might cost. Shane is awesome.

So upon reading this you are definately thinking, of course, how much better can two people be for each other. You'd be right. They are perfect. Shane and Carrie met after Shane and I did Student Success Week. I'd like to believe that I set them up, however, it was fate and God that brought them together. These two have been meant to be together since birth. Their wedding was just yet another chapter of their wonderful life together. I can't wait to see the babies! I will also post pictures ASAP.

I also have a bunch of stuff to write about Sarah and Curt, Suzy and Mark, Amanda and Nate, Mr. Moe, Saleema, Bailey and everyone else that I saw this weekend that I missed so much! So keep tuned in.

Lost my VOICE

So I still have no voice. It sucks. I spend so much time talking and now I can't and I am so bored and...quiet. It is a gorgeous sunny day here, I have worked in three days, I feel lazy yet I know that I'm not even able to do my job correctly...I can't answer phones or even greet people. Uuuhg. I hate this. I hope that it passes soon.

George finally called last night. About time too. He said he was really busy with putting the ship back together and he was in Mexico with the boys, I always feel bad about freaking out on him because I know that even when he doesn't call he is thinking of me, but still, I need more attention...especially because I am sick and feeling sorry for myself...if no one else will coddle me I at least hope he will...I think he understands a bit more now...I'm just so needy. My flaw but hey, he married me. *soft smile* I do love him so much more than I tell him. Things are hard right now with him being so far away and all the stress we've had the past while. I can't wait to get home and just be a regular married couple. I'm not sure what that is, but I'm really looking forward to it.

In more good news, my favourite group, Sweatshop Union is coming to Jasper on October 17th, 2005. I'm so pumped. I haven't seen them live yet, only Kyprios ( a member of the group.) They are just such an inspirational group of Canadians. I love Canadian hip hop. I totally owe it to Nicki and her friends for introducing me to Sweatshop. Their newest album, United We Fall is pretty interesting. Although I am a military wife, as a Canadian I understand the feeling to be against the US government and the war. What they speak on the record is about breaking from conformity of being constant clones. They want us to think for ourselves. They speak the concious thoughts of hip hop today. Their music is not bitches and hoes and never ending money and drugs....they talk about the real world. I respect what they do and their methods. I feel very jumbled up from this cold medicine so I'm going to stop here...but I'll write more later.

The Unthinkable.

So good news. Rita missed Corpus Christi and went straight on to LA...incase you've been under a rock and not seen the news. George is most likely heading home (since he has an issue with calling me!) and back to work tomorrow. I'm sad for those who lost it all in these disastorous hurricane season and I feel extreamly fortunate to have been spared the heartache. God Bless Texas.

In more news, I have officially lost my voice today. What started as a terrible headache has escalated to a bad cough and then upon waking this morning to find that I have no voice whatsoever. When I attempt to talk it comes out like a squeak. It sucks. I've had to call in sick to work twice now...and I feel guilty for it because I'm not sick, I just can't perform any functions of my job without a voice. It is silly really. I've been drinking tea and taking lemon all day to try and get my lovely voice back but it seems to no avail so far. Can you imagine, Kelsey not being able to talk? It is quite the scene. I feel very quiet for obvious reasons.

Still waiting to hear if Sweatshop Union is definately coming to Jasper. I can't wait to see them. I love them. I so hope that they are really coming to Jasper. *grins*

I'm gonna go and eat some soup and have a nap. I hope all is well with whomever is reading this and I will post more new information just as soon as I hear it.

Rita Rita go away

So it has been forever since I updated this here. Many things have gone on. First things first, I'll start a few weeks ago. Nicki turned 20. Wow. Not a teen any longer. So we gathered up 15 of our best friends, rented a van and driver and went to Jasper for the night. Not only did we go but we dressed up as well. 70's. We went GROOVY! The photo above is me and B in our 70's gear. Yes, I am wearing not one but TWO hair pieces! It was a great night had by all, no puking, no fighting, no one in jail and everyone home in their own bed safe and sound. It was awesome. If you want to see more photos of that trip as well as all of my other digital photos I have a new website for you to see:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/vivaglam

All me all the time. The good, the bad and the ugly.

What else...baby brother is now a Kimberly Dynamiter. We're very proud and he is doing great. I will update more and more, only played a few games and has already scored some points. I'll get some awesome photos once we get down there to watch a few games.

So George was evacuated today. Hurricane Rita is bearing down on our home. Yesterday it was supposed to hit between Corpus CHristi and Galveston. Unfortunately we live directly between the two places. Thankfully (for us) the hurricane has shifted and is moving further towards Houston. I have been glued to CNN for two days, hardly able to sleep, and I have a horrible head cold, watching to see what is going on. Doesn't help that the navy keeps my husband so busy that he can't call me to tell me what is going on. Finally he called today, he is going to Brownsville to wait out the storm. I am pretty upset still, we stand to lose all that we own. Everything is in storage in Corpus and I'm really hoping that the warehouse can stand through it. Upon watching the traffic getting out of Houston, I'm thankful to be in the middle of nowhere in nothern Canada. Nothing bad happens here (knocking on wood) maybe not nothing but we don't have tragic natural disasters. I am pleased to see a bit more planning and strategy going on with hurricane Rita as I had hoped for Katrina, but it seems that everyone has learned from that mistake. I cannot even begin to imagine what the people of New Orleans are going through. So I have taken to prayer to get me through this troubling time. I pray that all are okay and that perhaps by some other freak of nature the hurricane dissapates and just goes away, we've had enough disaster Mother Nature!

Beyond that, I'm sick, I hate being sick. I'm drinking NeoCitron right now...YUCK! It tastes disgusting but is supposed to ease my symptoms. If you can imagine, I'm even having a really hard time talking. My throat is all swollen and I can't stop coughing and sniffing. I've also had a week long headache. It sucks. I've been overdosing on echineacia (bad spelling) each night before bed so I'm hoping it is going away.

I'm going to go to bed now, and try to sleep. I'll post more soon. My thoughts are with you Texas...stay safe.

my new hair

good morning,

things are overcast today, much like my mood. I am not going to go into details of my sadness right now but I'm feeling rather sick to my stomach. I haven't written here for awhile, to be honest I've been pretty busy. I usually check my email late at night before bed and am too tired to write down the day's composition. Today I'm up early (11:00am is early for me) and so I thought I would write some things here.

Marley had her kittens, Donalda is a Grandmother and I, again, am an auntie. Marley had five babies, let me see if I can remember their names, there is Simba, Melody, Reggae, Ziggy, and ummm...hmmm...I forget the last name, when it comes to me of if Donalda is reading this, I will add the name. They are adorable. I can't wait to see them when they get a bit older. Running around the house and playing, so cute. I love it when we had kittens here. *smiles* Ah, kittens, they always make you smile...unless you are Byron.

The New Orleans tragedy is really bothering me too. I have such mixed feelings. I mean, I feel absolutely horrible for those who lost their lives and their homes. I have in fact pleged a couple days of pay from my work to help those in need. But I just keep wondering, why didn't they leave their homes. I feel like they could have done so much more to help themselves and there are also people who even today will not leave their homes. I feel sick about it. My sister has been watching Oprah everyday watching the coverage. I can't bring myself to sit down and watch it. Does that make me a cold person? I just feel helpless watching tv shows about what is going on. I asked my sister if she was going to donate and she said she'd like to but doesn't know where to donate to, and I wonder how many other people are feeling that. I know that my few days wages aren't really going to do much but at least I feel less of the hopelessness as before. Not completely gone but less. My heart goes out to everyone effected.

Work is going okay. I can't actually remember my last day off. I think probably because it has been awhile. At least three weeks anyways. We had a girl who was sick so I had to give up my days off. I did volunteer but now she is bitching at me because she has to work the am shift, I want to tell her to fuck right off because if it wasn't for her supposed "sickness" I would have had a few days off and wouldn't have to worry about working so much. But I don't, I just sit and smmile and bide my time. What goes around comes around right...karma.

And it was a very sad Wednesday last week. Ty has unfortunately been voted off Rockstar:INXS. It was horrible for all of rockdom. I am certain that Ty will be back though and making his own album. I will definately be a fan. He is awesome.

Baby brother is now a Dynamiter. He is playing in Kimberly. I am hoping to head down for the home opener next weekend although because of our stupid staff I dont know if I can have ONE day off next week. I'm not impressed. But this isn't about me. Blair is really excited and looks like he will be living in his own apartment. Which is kinda awesome. Although I don't know how he would be able to live on his own, but everyone has to learn. *laugh* Baby brother is growing up. I'm really proud of him and I will post updates here.

Other than that. I'm feeling rather out of sorts. I will post more soon.

Kelsey Explained

Kelsey
The ship or island : Norse

Extremely intelligent in thought and deed you are gifted at communication and finding practical applications for your ideas. You are strong willed and ambitious and need to have passion, freedom and adventure in your life. Always willing to help others your warm, honest and loyal nature ensures that you are loved by all. It is likely that you will achieve a great deal of success and recognition in life.

I am June

This is me, I am June, obviously! *smiles*


JUNE:Easy to talk to. Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone* always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. one guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. loves music. pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn.

Rock On.

So I worked the morning shift on Tuesday so I was able to catch Rockstar:INXS. Ty again blew me away. I actually had goosebumps and I don't even like rock music that much. He sang "Proud Mary" and I was glued to his image (above). I'm such a dork, reality tv oriented and all. This photo definately doesn't do him justice...he is way hotter than that! *smiles* Check out the show.

The weekend is almost here, I work tonight and then have three days off, which is awesome because this Dunster Music Fest is this weekend. I'm stoked to go. It is going to be really really fun I think. There are a couple of hip hop acts too which is pretty exciting. I'm excited to hang out with everyone too. I usually have to work at least a few shifts but not this time. I got all they days I requested. But then next week will be a long one...so it all works out.

I want to talk about something else here too. So in BC the teachers are thinking of going on strike. I am so pissed about it, be warned, this might turn into a rant. I don't think the teachers should be allowed to go on strike. It isn't like they are actually making a point. Seriously though. They will walk off the job for one day and then the government will legislate them back to work and they will end up looking ridiculous. Teachers are going on strike because they want more money, and because they have no contract as of this year. Well to be honest, I think it is a bunch of horseshit. The teachers make enough money already but even then, if they want more money they neeed to bargain for it, not strike. The only people who end up being affected by the strike are the kids. The government doesn't care. WHen I was in Grade 12 the teachers went out in May, which means that our final exams were postponed, which most kids would be really happy about however in BC we had these exams called Provinicals. All 12 students around the province have to write them and we are scored all together, which means that these are the marks that universities look at. Because ours had to be postponed means that generally most of the spots for Universities were already taken. Each test occurs at the same time around the province. I applied to a bunch of schools with my late test results and low and behold I got into my last choice school because the others were already full. I was beside myself I was so angry. My grades were really really good in highschool...definatley an A student. But I got over that one, I ended up loving my school and was happy I didn't move to Quebec. So then in my third and final year of university the union went on strike again. And again this was during the final exam time. And because both of my parents are part of the union (they work for the school district and mum is specialized) I was not allowed to cross the picket line. To make matters worse I was part of the student union so I was not even allowed to be involved with the negotiations. I recieved a call from two of my profs to say that if I missed my exams due to the strike that I would recieve a failing grade. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place so I did what any political science student would do...I went up to the school and to the picket line. I talked to the leader of the strike and told him what was going on...IE: that I have finals today to complete my degree, that I am paying money, my OWN money to be there, that my parents are both union members, that I understand what they are fighting for but that I can't say I agree and that because I am a member of the student union I might lose my position so that I can complete my exams. He was a bit stunned at the moment so I grabbed my cell and called my Mum. I was in tears because I didn't know what to do. On one hand the union has taken care of my family for my entire life. On the other hand I cannot just give up these classes. I had two left to complete my degree and had paid $1200 for each class of my hard earned monies. On yet another hand, I didn't think it fair that I lose my position within the student union for doing something that I saw no way around. Finally Mum picked up and said, "YOu cannot cross that picket line, for any reason." This made it even more hard. I talked more and more to the picket leader and finally we came to an agreement. He said he would sign a paper saying that they permitted me to go and write my final exams as long as I did not use any school facilities or spend any money within in the school, thus saying that I could walk in, sit down, write my finals and get out, not use the bathroom or anything else. We wrote our little contract on a napkin which I still have. It was a horrible day for me. Who were the victims of this strike? ME! AND MY FELLOW STUDENTS. I have several friends who took F's for what they believed in, and several friends who walked right through swearing at the picketers. They ended up on strike for one more day and then the government legislated them back to work. They ended up getting nothing that they went on strike for. They also ended up with lawsuits from students who lost money and grades. The issue is still talked about on campus. Strikes accomplish nothing. It is a totall waste. Blah blah blah. Enough of this.

Love TY. Watch the show. Rock on.