To be or not to be...a wife

I seriously must be crazy. Either that or the Almighty is certainly fucking with me. Again, I have cried myself to sleep two days in a row. I thought that the first night, I was maybe just being emotional, and it looks like last night is much of the same and my eyes are filling up with tears as I rethink how I felt so terrible. I don't really know what is wrong this time. I am freaking out about nothing...or at least thats what George thinks. He doesn't want his friends to know that we're married. He doesn't want them to know until we have a real wedding. Which is going to be in five years. SO until then, I'm just Kelsey. Not Kelsey, his wonderful wife, not his beautiful wife, not his "I'm so proud to have you as my" wife. Just Kelsey. I know that this doens't mean he loves me any less. But this is how I feel. I feel as though he is saying, okay, I haven't seen you in a year...and I don't want to tell anyone we're married...and because my actions speak louder than words, I just don't really care how you feel. I know that it isn't like this. But still...thats how I'm feeling about it. I feel like I'm his dirty secret. It sucks. I feel bad though for George, being he must feel like nothing is good enough for me. That I'm always upset about something...which brings me to my first statement today...I seriously must be crazy. I love him more than anything. I want him to double take me. I want him to point me out to his friends and say "that girl, that is my girl." I want him to want to shout from the depths of the world that he is the luckiest man alive to be married to me. But somehow I think that might be a pleasant fiction for us. What is hard is that there are guys who want to give me that. And I want nothing to do with them. Guys from everywhere. They pour on the love and attention but I don't even notice because I only want that from George. Sometimes you can't have everything I guess. I know that no matter what, I'll get through this, most likely alone, like usual. And I know that George and I will be together forever, I just hope I don't live forever feeling like this.