3 beautiful things

1. It's snowing on Christmas Eve-does it get any better than that?
2. George is home in 2 weeks!
3. I realized today that I'm actually pretty smart, I've always thought that, but it was realized today when I was explaining history to someone else...

*bow*

Do you have people in your life who just make you smile? I love to laugh. I love to smile. I do both at every opportunity available. I just talked to a friend, and spent almost the entire conversation laughing. Not because he is exceptionally hilarious but mainly because I enjoy his company if only on the phone. There is no love lost between us, so we can just talk and laugh like we've been friends since birth...even though we've only know each other a short time. He knows alot about me, most likely from his vast life expereince, he is able to gauge things about me from what I say and what I don't say. It's interesting because he knows me alot better than I'd like him to...and although he's seen me go crazy, get overly emotional, angry, sad, depressed, excited etc...he still treats me exactly the same and with an honesty that is so hard to find today. He's honest almost to a fault because sometimes the truth really does hurt. He has never wounded me beyond repair, but I suspect that his honesty has hurt people he loves and thus he has these huge barriers built up around him. I totally adore this man and I am so pleased that we're friends. We compliment each other in a way that only true friends can. I let him through my tough exterior to know a little bit of me...of which he discovered that he could trust me to be gentle with him. It makes me smile to know that there is another person out there who just genuinly likes my company...and isn't just trying to get into my pants, or bank account or whatever else. It's also a gift that he is objective and helpful at the same time. I know that I could call him and talk to him about absolutely anything and he would do everything in his power to help me come to resolution...although he would never tell me what to do, only assist me in making my own choice. It's good to have someone like that. Even though, he's a truly wonderful man, I'm happily married and that has never been an issue with us. We're not star-crossed lovers by any means. I've had a very difficult time in the past to keep men as just friends...they always seem to want to cross the line...but this man is different, and I think the entire fact that I'm married is what keeps us able to be totally honest with each other. He knows that no matter what he says, there is no chance I'm going to fall for him or vice versa...so it's good and cool. *smile* If you're reading this, thanks babe.

k

3 beautiful things

1. Kurt Vonnegut allows me to escape to his crazy world.
2. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve
3. I have gorgeous pink and black hair.

what it means to be me...

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cuz sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken


*********************************************************
I read this earlier today and it left me without words. Which for those that know me is a huge accomplishment on behalf of the author...which I can only assume as the Goo Goo Dolls because I'm too lazy to actually do the research, mainly because to me, it doesn't matter who wrote it, only that it was written and that I read it.

It kinda hits home to me...especially the line "you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies" because I often wonder that very point. So I put too much emotion into things that are really just creations in my own mind? Am I trying too hard to cry tears that aren't really real? Am I liying to myself but telling the truth to you?

Tonight I was watching "The Devil Wears Prada" and I was struck by this familiar feeling in my gut. It's the yuck-I-hate-sappy-girl-movies-because-they-are-not-realistic-at-all-and-only serve-to-show-me-how-love-never-is feeling. This was during the opening credits. And turns out, I was right. But it made me do a little thinking about why I hate romance so much...yet strive so hard for it in my own life. I think...yes I do that sometimes over abuntantly...that I hate romance because I can't quite grasp it myself. I resent these actresses who get to swoon like everything is perfect when my life is falling apart. And I can't place the blame on anyone else because I made my choices.

I had a friend...who recently decided we couldn't be friends anymore because he loved me and I couldn't love him back like he wanted. I felt guilty the entire time because he was and is a really great guy. I can picture myself in his life but it seems like one of those sappy girl movies...and everyone knows thats not real, so I never let myself get close enough to discover the heartbreak of having someone push eject on my fantasy land. He and I don't talk anymore, and I think of him every single day, and I tell myself that he thinks of me too, but in reality, he doesn't, he's happy to be free of my chemistry that kept him enthralled for way too long. I allowed him to be captivated by me for very selfish reasons, I needed someone to reinforce my own feelings about myself. He challenged me on every choice I made and thus made me repeat over and over again, why I did something until it became not my choice but concrete evidence of why I am me. I always told him he was my conscience. *laughing* And now I'm left a little lacking to be honest.

I've made some new friends recently since my move...and I'm starting to scare them. I'm not regailing them with stories of axe murders or anything but I've become a little dependant on them to guide the way for my emotions. It's been hard with George gone for so long and so much going on between us. I needed an escape and my new friends have offered that. I get quite attached to people quickly however I rarely stay attached for long. I have a short attention span when it comes to people. There have only been a very select few (I can count them on one hand and only use fingers) that I have remained attached to since our meeting. I was telling one new friend the other day, when I'm into a person, I'm all in...and it's so true. I never play halfway with people. Now, the reason that this song above relates to this, I'm not just incessantly babbling...is because sometimes I lose sight of the true importance of people. I want them to fill a certain spot in my life, and once they do, I expect it to continue, forever or at least until I decide to end it. *laugh* I am that egotistical to believe that, really. And when someone isn't really ready for that position, I tend to get overly emotional. I can't predict my feelings but I am always very quick to warn someone once I know that I'm am beginning to to need them, that my nickname isn't CrazyPrincessKelsey for fun...it's a very true descriptive title.

Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar but then again, everyone gets confused and emotional and thinks they can't deal right? I'm sure everyone does, once I'm through the little issue, it seems so minor. I laugh it off and move on, until the next one. My poor husband has two email addresses full of my rantings and ravings and just plain theoretical explainations for my feelings. I can't really understand why I do what I do...only that I use the excuse, I can't choose my feelings.

That is correct but I can choose my actions. And those choices need to be a little better from here on out. I'm 25 and not in the psych ward, I have no excuse for what I do...only that it seems like the right thing to do at that time. I've started saving my emails before sending them so that I can reread once the emotions stop holding me hostage. It's helped a little but for the most part, once I read what I've written, I'm compelled back to feeling the way I did when I typed the words in the first place.

So if you're reading this, post me a commment because the cold meds are taking hold now and I need to get into bed before my face h its the keyboard...what are your thoughts, my faithful readers???? Help a crazy princess out...

Check out my Slide Show!

Long Time - No Contact

Well, it's been awhile. If you're a subscriber...sorry...if you're related, sorrier and if you're a best friend, I'm really sorry!

I've just been in my own world lately. And keeping it to myself. This time of year is always difficult for me, I'm not entirely sure why...I retreat away, don't be offended, it's better this way *smiles*

3 beautiful things for today:

1. Don and Susan came to visit me - a much needed visit with family!
2. Texas is always sunny.
3. I love my nail polish - OPI Black-tie Optional

What else. I'm not dead! or depressed! *laugh* Far from it really, just in my own world. so don't worry, I'll come back to reality shortly!

LOVE

today is another day

My Three Beautiful Things for today:

1. It was a chilly 75 degrees or so today, it was a lovely change from the usual 95.
2. I finally had a wonderful night sleep, thank you Dr. Burch.
3. I got a genuine, happy-to-see-you face today from one of our regular clients. He is an older gentleman from Egypt and is just such a friendly guy, it was a long day at work and his smile made the day.

SO yes, I finally got some actual sleep. ALthough I feel extreamly lathargic today. At least I slept well last night. It's been a good day, although a long day.

I'll write more later...still haven't heard from G.

Wednesday is Wild

Hello Wednesday!

My Beautiful things today:

1. The A/C broke in the gym this morning...and so I just did the treadmill portion of my usual and then left because the rest of the gym was closed and I ended up running into a man I've been wanting to meet, or rather wanting George to meet. He is one of the SR. Officers here on the base and the husband of one of my co-workers, it was a total fluke, but good nonetheless.

2. I redisovered my love for R&B. I played oldies from the 90's and just fell in love.

3. Finally got my "womans" exam today...and it wasn't nearly as bad as usual, they are the most friendly people ever at my doctors.

Other than those things, not alot else is new. I think I may have lost one of my best friends last night. He is being a total dick, if you're reading this, you are being a total dick. I was only kidding about the comment that I made and he flew off the handle...then again, he doesn't know the inside joke about the statement "valleygirl" but then again, one should be able to read scarcasm when talking to me. Secondly, for someone to get all up in my face about a joke, obviously there are underlying issues. He has alot going on in his life right now and I just never really seem to fit in. Or rather, only when he wants something from me...it's kinda sad really. But he is a very important person in my life. I adore him...but this cat and mouse fighting game we've been playing for years is getting tiresome. So...I wish him nothing but the very very best because he deserves it and one day, I hope he realizes that. It just sucks to lose yet another friend. Especially this one.

k

Three Beautiful Things

I have taken inspiration for this blog...each time I post, I will post three beautiful things that happened also. *smiles*

1. Kathy told me that I have immense talent in social work and should pursue it.
2. Peppermint-Mocha Coffee Mate
3. CIBC Mahar...he is the nicest and most polite CIBC employee who doesn't know me.

Kelsey Does Houston

Well hello again!

So last week I was in Houston, it was an adventure for sure. It wasn't what I expected though. It was populated with leafy green trees and there was no hint of moisture in the air. Horray! NO humidity to stifle me. I had a great time.

We first checked into the Westin Galleria, it is the best hotel, next to the HI at home...it has a Louis Vuitton store in the bottom of it! As well as my ultra favourite makeup store, MAC. It was a match made in Heaven! I was in Houston for the Governors Leadership Conference. The conference itself was a bit of a gong show, but the presenters were great.

Our first night there, we went to dinner a Fogo De Chao. Yummy. It's a Brazillion place. Then Guacho's (the waiters) run around with skewers of meat, 15 different types, and serve you as much as you want, as many times as you want. You get this little round thing, looks like a coaster, in fact, I used mine as one until our Gaucho pointed out that it isn't a coaster...I felt a little silly but how would I ever know. Anyways, one side of the coaster is green and says yes please and other cute Brazillion things that I couldn't read...and the other side is red and says no thank you. When you want the meat brought around, you flip up the green side, I went green most of the night...and when you're done you put red, but you can't stop and go whenever you want, because the Gaucho's are continuously running around. We stopped and goed quite a few times and left feeling like I ate an entire cow. They had the most devine (sorry Cariboo Grill) filet mignon, which I ate mostly and this unreal parmesan pork. We had almost every other type of meat they had, no fish, and it was all excellent. They have have a huge salad bar with different types of sliced meat and cheese, salad, veggies and fruit. They bring you fried bananas and polenta...all in all, the best meal ever. If you're ever in Houston definately go there, YUM!

After that we hit the Roxy, there seems to be one in every town...and it was a really nice nightclub although, for ladies night, it was pretty slow. Not to worry for us though, we just had some cocktails and just hung out for awhile.

The next day we went to Ikea to do a little shopping, thank you Ikea! My bedroom finally looks like a married couple lives there and not some college freshman! I bought these awesome lamps and bedside tables...and this incredible mirror...come see, it looks great!

We went to the President's Reception that night, which was a total nightmare, people were literally fighting over the food...it was crazy! I ended up having two pieces of cake in about 4 minutes and then heading out somewhere else, so everyone else could eat. The dessert table was the only place not getting attacked by the food vultures!

Basically that concludes my trip to Houston, there are more details, but nothing very exciting...*laugh* Houston is a great city, I can't wait to visit again and explore a little more of Cowtown.

And YAY Canucks for beating the Oilers, about damn time too!

Anxious Times

Good Morning Good Morning,

So whats new with me you ask? Not a whole lot. I've been going to the gym for two weeks now, every single morning and unfortunately i've gained 3 pounds! *laugh* Although I'm pretty sure it's muscle...or at least I'm sure hoping so.

Other than that, time is slowly ticking by until G gets home. I have so much emotional issues tied to his return. I'm happy, sad, anxious, excited, nervous, scared...etc. We have had too many issues over the past little while, and then all this business with another girl...which makes me sick still...I'm not going to go into any details, but I'll say he didn't sleep with her. And I just want to make posters about how much I hate her, but I can't...*soft smile* It isn't my nature to hate someone so much, and well, it isn't all her fault. Thankfully G ended in before it really began with her but still, he lied to me about it, and thats bad enough. And we can't seen each other since I found out about all of this...so I'm nervous about how our reunion will be. I really hope we will be okay. I really really really hope so. I love him with all my heart, but there is only so much one heart can take...

In other news, I'm working at the Navy and Marine Corp Relief Society. I love it. The girls that work there are incredible. I've become very attached to them and not only that, the work itself is really rewarding. Alot of times we're helping service members who dug themselves into a hole, but sometimes we are genuinly helping people in need and it feels to good to be making a difference. I'm also learning alot more about the Navy which is really cool. I'm proud to be a Sailor's Wife. Even though my Sailors friends and family don't know it. *laugh* ALthough, I did tell one of his friends, who I consider to be my friend. It isn't a big deal, it was just a situational thing and one day we will (hopefully) have our wedding. And if not, perhaps it isn't meant to be.

I'm not depressed but I'm just realizing alot of things now that my mind isn't totally preoccupied with getting here. There are certain things that a man has to do in a relationship and I haven't really given G the chance to do those things...and so he maybe forgot about them or whatever. It was really important to me for him to ask my Dad if he could marry me, and then we had to get married early and not tell anyone, stupid military...but now that can never happen. It is also really really important to me for G to propose, but we're already married going on 4 years and he has never proposed to me. I don't know really if this is still what he wants. We have never really talked about it. I mean, we talked about being together forever and how much we love each other, but we never had the lets get married talk. We got married because the military wouldn't take care of me if anything happened to G...and we'd already been together for 3 years at that point...but we never talked about if we were ready or sure about each other. The reason I say this is because I have no doubt, absolutely no doubt in my mind that G is the one for me. I love him more than anything else and wouldn't change a thing about him personally. However, I don't think he feels the same way towards me, in fact, I know that he doesn't. He wants to change alot about me, and well, I don't know that he views me as the soulmate he has always wanted. I poured out my heart a few days ago, in two very long emails, as he is only reachable by email over there right now, and he never responded. I basically told him yesterday not to contact me until he responds to those emails. There are alot of things I need to know. I feel like we're rebuilding but in order to do that, we need to break down all the old shitty parts...but only time will tell.

In other news, I'm really pissed, I rented Bridget Jones=The Edge of Reason and it doesn't work, I'm upset because I was really looking forward to watching it, stupid netflix!

My heart goes out to the Amish community in Lancaster PA, 5 little girls are now in heaven, and their killer will never recieve proper judgement or punishment. I can't really talk about this, as I don't have the right words. RIP.

I will try to update here more often.

k

Gone to Hunt the Big Croc in the Sky

I'm very saddened today to find that the star of my favourite show has died. Steve Irwin, of the Crocodile Hunter Diaries and other shows, was killed while swimming over a giant sting ray. The ray was hidden under the sand and got spooked and stuck his 10 inch barbed tale through Steve's heart. My heart goes out to Bindi, Bob and Terri Irwin as well as the rest of Australia Zoo and to animals around the world...we truly lost one of the best.

Now, I'm really sad. It isn't like I knew Steve at all, I watched his show faithfully everyday. Lately I've found myself trying to distance from the show, which was odd for me, and maybe subconciously I knew he was going to die...and I'm not good with death...so perhaps my angels were trying to spare me the pain. Steve was such a great guy. Again, I didn't know him personally but from the personal nature of the shows, I gather he was LOVED by all and just such a great man. His efforts in animal conservation will be unmatched. He had such a great heart.

I can't really describe how I feel about all of this. I feel sad and depressed. Not so much for myself but the world has really lost someone who is great. Someone who put himself out there for all to see, even when the world didn't like what he was doing (feeding a croc with his newborn son in his arms) but I feel like the animals are the ones that suffered the greatest loss. I feel like I'm missing out on what he was going to do next and how he was going to effect this change in public views on animals and the treatment and conservation of such.

I feel like his children are not going to be able to learn why their father was such a kindred spirit to animals, although I know that Terri will do her best to make that happen. I just feel...so sad.

Rest in Peace Mr. Irwin. You were a treasure that I won't ever forget and I hope that your last moments were filled with love and admiration as you died doing what you've always loved to do, and thats be with the animals.

Always on Duty-War or No War by Sarah Smiley

War or No War-Always on Duty by Sarah Smiley

This is a piece written by Naval Spouse and INCREDIBLE author, Sarah Smiley, I first read this peice in an issue of Military Money. If you'd like to see more about Sarah, please visit her website

www.sarahsmiley.com

Probably more than any other group of people, military spouses are schooled in the art of patience. We have learned to be flexible and to endure because we are married into a system that, despite all its structure, is still quite unpredictable.

We have learned to be prepared for short-notice moves, unexpected separations and deployments that last longer than planned. We have grown used to long stretches of time when we can't speak to our spouses. And we have braced ourselves for the ultimate shock: an officer standing at our door.

So while the rest of the country debates the war in Iraq and grows impatient for the troops' return, we spouses wait patiently - tolerantly - because we know that the work of our loved ones cannot be measured in 30-second sound bites and ever-changing headlines.

This is precisely what sets military families apart from the rest. I can't help but laugh when I hear the media say that America is ready for the war to end so our servicemembers can return home to their families. Any military spouse knows an end to the war in Iraq does not necessarily mean an end to our loved one's sacrifices.

Serving in the military is my husband's job. The hardships of his duty do not cease during peacetime. Yes, troops will come home when the war has ended, but soon those troops will turn around and deploy again - maybe not to Iraq and maybe not to a war, but they will deploy nevertheless. When active duty servicemembers return from Iraq, they will not suddenly have nine-to-five jobs and be around for all their children's birthdays. To think otherwise is to be unaware of the daily sacrifices our military families make every single day.

Indeed, for the families waiting back home, there's little difference between the sacrifices made during a wartime deployment and a "routine" peacetime deployment. Yes, a wartime deployment generates more stress. But the lives of most military spouses have not changed much since before the Iraq war.

Please do not misunderstand: For the woman who has lost her husband in the war, life has changed inconceivably. But for most of us, we wait and we carry on. This is our daily lives. This is what we do. The only difference today is that more people care and there is increased attention from the media.

Reporters ask me, "How many times has your husband deployed to a war?" and I dodge the question, not because I'm being elusive but rather I think it shouldn't matter. In fact, my husband has deployed only during war time. But does that make my sacrifices more relevant than my mother's, when her husband (my dad) had been at sea for a total of 11 years - most of them "routine" - by the time they reached their 22nd wedding anniversary?

Just the other day, a reporter asked, "Are you anxious for the war in Iraq to be over so your husband doesn't have to deploy any more?" I couldn't help it; I laughed - out loud. Who says my husband won't deploy? If I've learned anything during my time as a military wife, it is that nothing is guaranteed. The only way my husband won't "have to deploy any more" is if he gets out of the military completely.

For military spouses, the cycle of deployments, missed holidays, lonely anniversaries and long separations is not governed by any war or what's debated on TV. It is as much a part of our daily lives as weekend business trips and conference calls are to the average business person. It is part of the job description, war or no war.

Don't have pity for us. Don't wish an end to the war for our sakes. Instead, understand that America's service men and women really are deployed every day of every year. And their families wait month after month during routine and wartime deployments alike.
Just as our servicemembers have been trained for duty, we spouses have been trained for patience.

Military Life

I haven't written in awhile. I've been too much in a funk to want to share it...*smiles* But I'm doing better.

Sitting here listening to Shakira ~ Underneath your clothes...I miss George so much. He left about a month ago and we have five more months of waiting until we're together again...which means, no, he won't be here for Christmas. It is awful. I miss him every moment of everyday. It isn't like it was when I was back home, being in our house with all of our stuff, and just seeing him and smelling him everywhere, it's so hard to be apart. I got used to him being there during these past two months...I'm missing him like mad now.

But things are great...better than could be expected. There are always bumps along the road and I hope ours are mearly speed bumps from here on in. I'm having baby cravings so badly and my body keeps telling me, it's ready to get pregnant, but I'm not ready. Neither is George I don't think. If it happened, it wouldn't be the end of the world...but I'm just not ready mentally. Everyone tells me, oh you'll never be ready. But I need to finish with the immigration stuff. Still have to file my permanent residency and get the naturalization underway...and hopefully get a job...although I'm still waiting on my work authorization.

I'm also working now, at the Navy and Marine Corp Relief Society. Alot to learn but I'm really enjoying it so far. I'm loving the people that I work with and the whole idea of helping the service men and women and their families.

People never really understand what it means to be a Navy wife. They are like, oh yea, the military...that's cool. But they don't understand the sacrifice that we bare everyday. We are for the most part, single people living in a strange world. Everything is different for us. Our husbands and wives are gone for long periods of time and often to the most scariest places on the earth. They are almost always in some danger and unlike an extended vacation, usually can manage a phone call only once or twice a week-if we're lucky. After that we rely on emails and letters in the mail. Sometimes we don't hear from our loved ones for days, weeks and months. Yet we are expected to do everything in their absense. I've become to apprecieate the Navy Mother. The wife who is at home iwth her babies while their daddy is away. These incredible women are the backbone of our Navy family. Support comes in but it isn't always the easier thing to find. No matter if it is time of war or not...deployments still happen. Thankfully the girls that I work with are all in the same boat as me...so we rely on each other. Thank god.

Anyways, this navy wife has an early day tomorrow...so I'll write more again later...godspeed to our all service people...your loved ones are definately awaiting your return!

Hate-Kyprios

So it's no secret I'm a hip hop head. ALso no secret that my favourite lyricist is Kyprios...from Canada...well for the first time tonight I got a chance to see his video for my ultimate awe-inducing song: Hate.

It speaks to anyone and everyone equally. At first you may think he is be derogatory...or racist...but that is the entire point. Kyprios points out the obvious misconceptions and slurrs that society uses today and turns them around to shock you into understanding his message. His gift of the spoken word is only magnified by his choice of lines. He is incredible.

I've seen him live three times. I'd go again, any day and anytime. He is a person that you see perform on stage and are so struck by his words that you are desperate to take some of it home with you. Off stage he is even more personable and kind. He has a way about him that is the opitome of "down to earth" and real. He isn't some ego-inflated hip hop head with a passion for violence and destruction, money and hoes. He is a geniune lover of music and even more infused passionately about words.

Whenever I have written in awhile...I listen to my Kyprios album and am again inspired to write not for myself, but for the education of those who cannot educate themselves. All people have the ability to learn but some are so stuck behind societal miscommunications that they are effectively wrapped up in sound proofed plastic where they cannot hear anything else but teh mundane and pre-programmed stance. Like Kyprios, and Sweatshop Union-people need to be given the tools to cut through the crap and listen with their own ears and see with their own eyes. Once the plastic is ripped away, people are shocked to find what they had been hiding in. Tools. Thats the key. Tools=education=freedom.

Check out the video: (you might have to try it a few times, it has issues...)

Hate-Kyprios

See if it doesn't help change your perspective...and pass it on.
k

Hi hi hi!

So I just got back from my first day of being an animal shelter volunteer. It was great, I played with the kitties and cleaned out 8 litter boxes. *laugh* Not glamouros (sp) for sure. I also found out the sad news that it is a high-kill shelter, which means there is alot of euthinasia...I'm not sure if I can deal with it...but we'll sure see. It was nice to be around animals again.

George is officially gone now too. To bahrain. for six months. I'm kind of devestated. I say kind of because I'm not crying all day but I'm depressed and I miss him more then I thought I would. Not to say I didn't think I wouldn't miss him but we were just apart for two years and so I thought I could do this no problem. I'm having problems sleeping now and can't concentrate and even starting watching his favourite shows because I miss him so much...come home soon baby!

Thats all to report so far.
XOXO
k

Nature Re-Defined...

Okay, so 2 posts in one day. Another thing I found online, were these...GenPets. I was so disturbed I couldn't stop looking away. I read through the entire website.

These pets are gentically engineered, you buy them at Wall-Mart and they come packaged like the newest action figure, except they are alive, they have a heart monitor on the top of the package.

You can get them in any personality you'd like, for myself, I was thinking I would liberate one from the colour purple, which is supposed to be spiritual.

I looked at all the photos, it said that the reason the animals are bound in the cases like action figures is so that the consumer can see what they are buying. The animals come in two lifespans, 1 year or 3 years.

I was so disturbed. I wanted to buy them all. Just to save them from hanging on the shelf...they make all kinds of disclaimers saying "Genpets are cheap so that if your child has an "accident" they are easily replaceable." I was horrified...and I actually couldn't even eat dinner...my eyes glued to the little creatures, looking at their bindings all red and swollen. The website claims that they keep the pets in a statis-like sleep so that they are spared the stress of being in a store...and then they "wake-up" when you bring them home...

After I couldn't take it any longer, I thought I would google the GenPet and find out if I could see photos of them in action. Turns out the GenPet and website are the creation of a Canadian guy making socal commentary on genetic engeneering. Wheww....so there are no real GenPets...just clay models and phony photos meant to scare the public into awarness....okay...I'm aware, can I have dinner now?

GenPets

The Hottest New Trend-YUCK!

Okay, so I was bored the other day, cruising around online, checking out some cool and weird stuff. I came across this. WTF? Serioulsy...you can buy GARBAGE from New York!

You can decide what you want to be in your garbage too and the sticker on the bottom tells you when it was picked up.

All for $50.00. Insanity. Although they do offer free shipping!

Can I get one with coffee grounds, subway ticket, chinese takeout container and a yankees ballon, hot dog half eaten and maybe some onion? Sounds like a smell of New York to me!

Check it out for yourself GARBAGE FROM NEW YORK!

Old Time Girl

Hola!

So I cooked stew today. It turned out more like a very hearty soup. I'm still learning this whole cooking thing...it is HARD! *laugh*

George played video games all day again, and most likely well into this evening, I guess it is getting me ready for him to be gone...but still...you'd think he'd want to spend more time with me...but who knows. We'll go to marriage counselling when he gets home. I think that will be best for both of us.

I also uploaded all the photos from my old website so that they can be preserved. *smiles* Took forever as geocities sucks. But finally I'm done.

Other than that, nothing to report today...a pretty boring day, I might write more later.

K

hey Summer!

Summer-email me. Or include your email in one of your posts. or add my myspace. I'd like to know you more!

rhianen@hotmail.com

Kelsey

Pink Polka Dots

Good god. I am loosing my mind. Yep, I'm addicted to the internet. George plays video games basically all day lately, I know it is because he is stressed about this tour coming up. He leaves in a week so he plays video games and I mess around the computer.

Last night I spent 4 hours redoing my Myspace. *laugh* I'm such a huge dork. Today, I've spent the past 2 hours looking for a polka dot layout for my blog. I ended up with this one that I like also, so I'm not too bent out of shape about it.

Anyways, a friend, or maybe, former friends got married the other day. I am really happy for them. I saw the photos, she looked gorgeous like usual. The reason I saw former friends is because that when they first got together I was alittle too opinionated, well alot too opinionated. I stick to my beliefs on it, but it has cost me a very valuable friendship...which is really sad. Such as life. Congratulations on your marriage. I know that you will have nothing but the utmost joy and happiness in your future, you both deserve it.

And I was reading my usual garbage online this morning with coffee and found out that Lance Bass from NSync is Gay. No kidding. I would be unsurprised to find out that all the boy band dudes are gay. Except maybe JT, he did have sex with Britney...so you go boy band guy...I'm happy you're happy and I'm finally right about something!

Thats all for now!
k

All Tatted Up

Hola again everyone,

So I joined a new website (thanks Sarah) called Flylady. It is all about how to keep yourself grounded with household cleaning. It wasn't that I was overwhelmed but when it is only two people here and I have NOTHING to do all day, I spent most of the time agonizing over what to clean and ended up fully cleaning the house every single day and losing my motivation to do anything else...so thank you flylady, my babysteps are just that and I'm developing my routine.

Another part of my routine is to write here. I know that some of you reading this, like for me to update it because this is the only insight you have into my life, sorry aboot that eh! *laugh* You can call me too...and now that I've not got my hands full with the toilet!

Anyways...G and I are going to see Clerks 2 today. For those of you that don't know, G is obsessed with all things Kevin Smith...so I really hope it is good for if not, he will not be happy and I'd like him to stay happy as he is leaving in less than two weeks...for another six months *wail*.

In more news, seriously what is the deal with Veet. Okay, so I've seen the commericals, and the mag adverts. So I bought some. I first tried it on my bikini line, OMG, do not EVER DO THAT! It burned the skin for days. I was traumatized. So yesterday I tried it on my legs. It doesn't even take the hair down to the root...it was very weird and smelled horrible. They say,ooh, your boyfriend's here, just put veet on and three minutes later he'll be rubbing them for you...blaah blah blah...yeah, maybe if he is craving an egg salad sandwhich...yuck on the smell. YUCK YUCK YUCK!

What else...hmmm...I've discovered black nail polish. I know what you're thinking, "OMG, Kelsey moved to Texas and is now Goth or Emo or probably a bit of both..." but you're wrong. See I'm constantly looking for new ways to reinvent myself and black nail polish is only the first step. I'm going for a more classic look these days, with a little bit of punk. Black nails (OPI-Black Tie Optional or Chanel Vamp) black/pink hair and I'm searching out my next tattoo. The pic above is one of the creative options, it won't be just like that but a punch of pics like that curving up my hip and onto my back. Yep, I'm getting the big one. I'm also dressing in alot of polka dots, classic colours and heels. Just feeling like a hot women I guess. *smiles*

Anyways, time for me to shine my sink! Love ya!
k

P.S.-Photos aren't working today, I'll add it later.

Home again, Flanagan..

Hello out there!

I haven't written in a really long time I know. I've been busy, I'm HOME! Yay!!!

Short Version:

All went well at INS (Immigration) I arrived in Texas to record heat and humidity. Got to the apartment with my honey who is by the way, the hottest man around. We had a roommate for awhile...he is gone now. THe house looked like Bachelor Hell so I transformed it into Married Couple Heaven, almost, still working. I don't have my work authorization yet so I can't get a job. Our car got broken into on my birthday and so since then we've been getting the replacement stuff installed...everything is WONDERFUL!

George leaves in a few weeks back to the middle east...and so I'm getting nervious about being alone but also excited about starting my new life...once my work auth gets here and I can finally see my doctor about the weight reduction...

thats all for now...
I'll update more I promise.
k

Goodbye my old friend...

What do you do with friends who you don't really want to be friends with anymore? Do you go on pretending that you care? Do yuo have a huge blowout telling them that you can't be there anymore? Whats the deal anyways?

So I have this friend. He's a good friend, or was a good friend. We talk less and less which is cool, we're both super busy people. The problem is that when we do talk, he lies to me. He lies about his life and the news, he lies about things that are of no consequence to me. And we both know he is lying to me. I'm tired of playing the "oh really?" game. It makes me feel like he is insinuating that I'm stupid and not intelligent enough to realize that his words are nothing more than a weak facade to honey-glaze whats really going on.

I realize that it should be up to him to want to tell me the truth and that a good person would try to enable that to happen. Unfortunately that isn't the case here. I'm tired of dealing with it. I'm tired of trying to stay that good person.

To my friend:

We have known each other a long long time...stop lying to me. Stop pretending. Stop faking. If you don't want to discuss things with me, then don't, but don't lie about anything to me! Friends don't do that. Based on the lying, I cannot continue our friendship. I'm sure you understand because you yourself have had this problem in your life before with previous friends. I choose to keep people in my life who are genuine and who are important to me. Unfortunately you and I cannot continue down this path. I wish you nothing but the best with your life and future endevours and I will always remember the good times. Farewell and adieu.

k

Packing Nightmare

So here I am...putting off more packing. My room looks like it has been hit by a tornado. to be very honest, I don't really want to take anything. I just want to leave, get on a plane and worry about it later, but alas, I can't do that. So I'm taking everything that is my favourite here and that I need. EX: favourite clothes, shoes, makeup and hair products. But how does one decide that is their favourite as each piece has a place that needs other pieces to make the integration possible. For example, I have these great pink wedge heels. I bought them to look cute with jeans. I have never worn them but they are so cute and I want to take them but they take up alot of space. They match my pink LV handbag and this super cute tank top and sweater set. And those match with these great capri jeans that I'm about 10 pounds to fat to wear yet this season. So without everything, nothing works but I want to take it anyways. I have about a bazillion combinations just like this...so how to choose???

Mum. Mum is going to weed out the shit that I don't need. Thank god. Because I have no idea. So great.

I have to go through all my banking and personal papers too. Which I was going to do today but decided to leave until tomorrow. It is too much of a headache to deal with today.

So I'm having coffee and watching some obscure music video. The life and times of me are dramatic. Yes they are.

k

Baby Brain Train

Well hello again!

SO last night we had my going away dinner party at the Grill. It was really good although my anti-drinking thing went flying out the window and I had far too much red wine...again. Thankfully I didn't act a fool or anything like that but I definately don't feel so great today. Puked. Yep. Yuck. Couldn't even keep water down. Sick. I now remember why I don't want to drink anymore...so that was it.

9 more sleeps until I'm home with George. I can't wait, I hope that he is as excited as I am but just doesn't know how to show it. Guys are kinda like that. Last night I dreampt we were having a baby. We named her Zahara Lee Isabella Payumo. Sounds so nice. She had super bright green eyes and dark black hair. She couldn't stop smiling. And George couldn't stop staring at her as if he was shocked he could help make something so perfect. *smiles* I can't wait for that day. I just hope it happens at the right time, like not just before he heads out to Bahrain. I want him to be home and petting my belly as the baby grows. *smiles* Yes, I've got baby on the brain lately.

Anyways, I should run off, just trying to get back into the wonderful world of a blog. Trying to keep my mind free of drama...so I'll write here.

K

Vote Kelsey

Goodness...it has been a busy month for me.

Updates:

-Immigration finally approved me!
-Heading home to G in Texas on June 4th, 2006
-lost 16 pounds on a herbal clense
-quit my job

So to begin...after a whirlwind trip to see my cousin Kate look incredible and get married...Nicki and I were off to Vancouver for my immigration interview and medical exam. I could barely eat I was so worried. Corey came with us, thankfully because he kept Nick busy as I was too tired and stressed to entertain.

Off to my medical exam, had to be there by 6am. After having scans and tests and blood work, and x-rays, and filling out more and more and more paperwork. I was back at the hotel and in bed by 11am. I slept all day and was so worried and nervous about my immigration appointment.

I arrive at the US Consulate at 9:30am. I am greeted by a huge security guard who is directing us to stand in these weird Laybrinth designed ques. So...finally all of us there for spousal immigration are allowed in, one at a time, we have to get searched twice to get in the door. Then we are sent up two flights of stairs where more security meets us and searches us again, and then opens the elevator door and sends us up to the 20th floor. I get off and proceed in the almost darkness to another security check point...they search me, ask why I'm there, they ask for my paperwork, go through my purse, and search my body...I walk through three metal detectors and finally am allowed into the waiting room. I'm sent into this small room with chairs so uncomfortable. The room is blazing hot and there are no bathrooms or vending machines or even anywhere to get water. I visit with the others there to do the same thing as me. We're all pretty nervous. We have to sit in these chairs and are lined up against the wall so tightly that my knees were almost touching the wall and I'm short! and besides that, the cubicles were directly in front of the chairs so everyone in the room could hear exactly what they were saying to you. A really nice woman goes through my papers...and we talk a little, she makes me feel better...and then we proceed over to the cashier and wait to pay...the line up is around the corner and then the MOST UNHAPPY young person I've ever seen comes out. We wait to pay and he is the outmost MOST grouchy person. So finally I pay and then go back to wait for my acutal interview. Finally I am asked to proceed to window #5 and a super nice YOUNG east indian guy starts interviewing me...he askes me all kinds of questions...and then hands me back all my paperwork...and says, "Kelsey, your visa will be ready at 2pm for pickup." and thats it, I'm the proud owner of a K-3 visa...YAY!!!

So I go back at two and have been elated ever since.

Booked my ticket two days later, going home to G. FInally.

So I hope that everything is on par with my marriage. I mean, we're getting a hell of a lot better, but still, I feel like things aren't the way they used to be...so only time will tell I guess. I miss George so much but I sometimes feel like he could care less what is going on with me. I know that is my mind playing tricks on me but I just don't see him acting the same way he used to.

I'm definately going into therepy when I get home. I have alot of issues that need to be resolved before I can even begin to be the best wife and mother I can be. No I'm not pregnant or even wanting to be yet...but sometime...and sometime in the next couple of years. I'm getting really really ready.

Beyond that, my life couldn't be better...and although I'm unsure what career path I will pursue, I am confident that whatever I choose to do, I will achieve ultimate success...

if only I could be as positive about my love life...

12 more sleeps...

Down and Out

Do fat girls have to conform? When does it become more than a lifestyle choice? When is it okay to ask someone to change? I'm in love. Fully, head over feet, all filled up wtih love. But he wants me to change. He wants a thinner wife. In the beginning it was question of attraction. I was indignant and angry and bascially said "get over yourself or get a new girlfriend." He said he would get over himself. He didn't. But now it has evolved into, "I'm worried about your health." I am really torn. Part of me doesn't believe him. Part of me says, "yea right, only another excuse because you want me to morph into this superficial idea that you have of beauty." but then the other part of me says "he's right, obesity leads to many health problems..." the problem is though that I can't let go of the painful comments from the beginning of him not being sexually attracted to me. THEN WHY BE WITH ME!??! WHY HAVE SEX WITH ME !?!? WHY LET ME LOVE YOU!!?!? He says that I took it in a way that he never meant...and truth be told, he has been extreamly supportive of any weight loss or diet I've been interested in. He is good to me...but he doesn't do the things that I believe he should. I believe that my partner in life should be complimenting me constantly, I believe that my partner in this life should think I am the most beautiful woman alive. He should believe that I am awesome and want to show me off to the world...but alas...my man isn't like this, or at least not like this with me. I am really really torn up emotionally. I don't know what to believe and what to disregard. I found out that he joined a personals website. I was crushed. Totally crushed. To the point where I fell asleep not wanting to wake up. I'm not suicidal but I can't handle anymore hurt. So I asked him about it. He denied it at first, then said that he joined to meet other people to talk to about us, then because he was just looking for people to talk to online...and now has no real explanation. He gets angry when we talk about it because now I don't believe him. It is obvious to me that he is looking for someone else. But why, I asked and asked and asked until the point where I couldn't breathe because I was crying so much. I had to hang up on him. I feel at fault because I'm constantly the one who is upset and for the first while he kept telling me that it isn't his fault, that I'm doing this to myself, but then I finally got the picture and screamed that it wasn't me, I"M NOT DOING ANYTHING! So where does this leave me. I don't trust him really anymore. I love him and want to make this work more than anything else, but I am constantly jealous and suspicious. I told him last night, that I don't care if he has female friends but he said something that totally struck me..."that is bull shit Kelsey, in the current state you are in, you would freak out if I even talked to another girl on the phone." and he is exactly right. I would. When did I become that girl? When did I become that girl that I've always hated. I never dreamed that I would become that girl. But here I am...a shell of insecurity and anger. I find it rather interesting that I used to be such a confident woman. and in reality I still am...when it comes to anyone but George. Men talk to me at work, and I know that they think I'm hot...even if they really don't...*laugh* I work it...because I can, and because I'm okay with myself. But when it comes to George, I feel like a bag of shit. Something that he is stuck with because of promises to change and hopes for something completely different from what I am. I feel like I'm the most unimportant thing in his life. I mean, he hasn't seen me in 15 months and has no plans of seeing me until I get to go home, but who knows when that will be. He did say last night that he is going to try to come see me, but I don't believe it. I think that he is just saying it to make me stop crying. I told him that I'll believe it when I see him standing in my house. I feel like a total mess. Yet I have to keep on a happy face because everyone is always in face when I'm upset. My parents ask what is wrong and then get mad when I talk about saying that it is a choice that I made and that I'm just being overdramatic. My thoughts aren't even coherent lately. This blog has been a rambling mess...although I feel better by writing it. Any girls out there--any advice would be appreciated. Peace.

To be or not to be...a wife

I seriously must be crazy. Either that or the Almighty is certainly fucking with me. Again, I have cried myself to sleep two days in a row. I thought that the first night, I was maybe just being emotional, and it looks like last night is much of the same and my eyes are filling up with tears as I rethink how I felt so terrible. I don't really know what is wrong this time. I am freaking out about nothing...or at least thats what George thinks. He doesn't want his friends to know that we're married. He doesn't want them to know until we have a real wedding. Which is going to be in five years. SO until then, I'm just Kelsey. Not Kelsey, his wonderful wife, not his beautiful wife, not his "I'm so proud to have you as my" wife. Just Kelsey. I know that this doens't mean he loves me any less. But this is how I feel. I feel as though he is saying, okay, I haven't seen you in a year...and I don't want to tell anyone we're married...and because my actions speak louder than words, I just don't really care how you feel. I know that it isn't like this. But still...thats how I'm feeling about it. I feel like I'm his dirty secret. It sucks. I feel bad though for George, being he must feel like nothing is good enough for me. That I'm always upset about something...which brings me to my first statement today...I seriously must be crazy. I love him more than anything. I want him to double take me. I want him to point me out to his friends and say "that girl, that is my girl." I want him to want to shout from the depths of the world that he is the luckiest man alive to be married to me. But somehow I think that might be a pleasant fiction for us. What is hard is that there are guys who want to give me that. And I want nothing to do with them. Guys from everywhere. They pour on the love and attention but I don't even notice because I only want that from George. Sometimes you can't have everything I guess. I know that no matter what, I'll get through this, most likely alone, like usual. And I know that George and I will be together forever, I just hope I don't live forever feeling like this.

Deadly Drink

How to make KILLER ~ EVIL EMILY By Em-Cat

1 shot vodka
1 shot creme de banana
1 shot kaluha
1 shot bailey's

fill with milk and put green straw and prepare for death.

Em's Deadly Drinks.
www.hammeredbeyondbelief.com

K Star ~ Super Heroin

Well...Thank the Lord for St. John's Wort. *smiles* Been taking it for little over a week and the clouds have lifted. I'm a much happier person. *smiles* So is George. We are getting along famously now. No more fighting, or arguing or anything. Bliss. Finally.

In more news, there is a chance we could move to Bahrain. I've been looking into it and I'm a go. I would love to move there. I know, all the trouble in the middle east seems harsh, but Bahrain is the Canada. Calm and peaceful, although always thrown into the mix by their neighours....*smiles* So Bahrain, if the Navy says go, we'll jump!

Beyond that, I'm almost done my immigration...I think. I'm waiting on my last piece of the puzzle, which is my passport and then interview in Vancouver at the US Embassy, and medical exam to make sure I don't have syphillis. Imagine. I asked if they would just take my word for it, but alas, the test must go on. Just another hurdle. I don't have any diseases in case you were concerned...in fact I'm surprised that I have no ailments. With the exception of being fat, which my friends and family view as an epidemic of AIDS porportions...I know I know...heart diesease, diabetes...yada yada yada...I'm having surgery, I'll be "healthy" in awhile.

Skidily (sk-id-ily) ~ Person who is homeless, does not own a car, can't buy their own drinks, drinks lysol, and pine sol, etc. Example: Fubar. More from Emily's drunk slur-ily dictionary to follow. I love drunk people. Myself included. Gangsta G included. Crying screeching messes of people excluded. Except Cammille. *laugh*

Have a great day peeps. Peace love and music. ANd above all else...Go Canucks.

Redemption

hi my kels, i just want you to know that i love you more than anything!!! i want to write down some stuff that i remember and i hope you remember too... (you better remember! haha) you falling asleep on my lap on the couch in silverdale kissing you at midnight watching the new years fire works on the tv in prince george giving you the bunny ears in a picture taken in the casino parking lot cuddling with you under the covers in valemount when i was freezing talking to you on the phone when you broke your foot hearing you say 'i love you' for the first time hearing your voice for the first time laying next to you for the first time in your bed (even though your bed was kinda gay) putting in blue contacts that didnt fit you hugging you in the airport (take your pick of the airport) holding your hand while driving laughing when you tried to drive my car kissing you when i came back from my first deployment in washington hearing your voice when i arrived in great lakes for boot camp calling you when i was sick from boot camp laying next to you in great lakes at my aunt and uncles house cuddling with you in mira mesa watching you get your tongue pierced watching tv with you kicking your ass playing uno and phase 10 or whatever the heck its called cooking you macaroni and cheese wearing my favorite (and your least favorite) shoes for the first time smoking hookah with you calling and saying happy 1st month anniversary eating chinese food with you for the first time (american chinese food is WAYYYYY better) waiting for hours for a table at PF Changs going to the lake with you watching the Gulls win a championship with you being there when you met my grandma watching you hang out with Leia for the first time sending you flowers sending you a mixed CD for valentines day laying next to you for the first time meeting your parents for the first time drinking way too much water at your parents house crawling on the floor at your parents house tessie crapping all over your bedroom you taking a picture of me with sophie hanging out with you and your grandpa in prince george when he talked about how weed is canada's cash crop watching your canucks beat the devils (they got lucky) at your friends house making fun of your team getting beat by edmonton *haha* hearing you say you hate the names madison and mckenzie hearing your voice for the first time staring into your beautiful green eyes for the first time making fun of your lesbian haircut in prince george :) us hanging out with robin and liza at that study group (hope you werent too bored) getting that photo book that you put perfume onto taking a picture of us kissing at new years giving you a lap dance us moving into the apartment in silverdale sleeping together at the navy lodge driving through the town "Weed" having our first *kids* (frog and fish) in silverdale laying with you on the couch at your parents house christmas morning freezing with you in your sisters car you taking a picture of me wearing that silly turtleneck you attacking me with cardboard hugging you making love to you all the places weve made love having italian food at buca di beppo in mira mesa having a bagel with cheese on it with you having wine with you at christmas dinner riding on the gondola with you at the zoo watching lord of the rings part 1 in prince george with you, and part 3 in great lakes kissing your neck for the first time laughing when you would turn the water on when you went to the bathroom so i couldnt listen touching your cute nose for the first time freaking out about all the rain in washington the night we drove into town saying 'te amo' to you for the first time running my hands through your hair my tongue touching your tongue (and how much you dont really like that) touching your boobs the first time hearing your laugh the first time on the phone you punching me in the arm taking you to the american idol concert you making fun of my dancing at PB bar & grill me sticking my fingers in your nose taking a picture with you in front of the christmas tree at your friends house driving from vancouver to valemount with you driving through that smelly ass town where they film a lot of porn in Canada kissing your feet and touching your feet writing 'i love you' on your skin with my fingers i love thinking about all of these times and all the memories we will share in our lives together!! I LOVE YOU!!!! forever your George

Angry Dragon

Hi again. It has been a few days of bliss. George and I talked about our problems and pretty much agreed to disagree. We decided that we will never talk about my weight again. We will never talk about his thoughts on my appearance again. I will keep my emotions and feelings to myself. And we will try harder. It so far is working okay although I'm feeling incredibly insecure. I feel like I have no idea where I stand in our relationship. What I mean is that I know that he loves me but I don't know to what extent he loves me. If we were in the same place, we could easily show each how much we love one another. But because we are far apart we have nothing but the phone, email, and the postal mail. It is hard to have a relationship like that. We talk more now, well the last week. I've been calling him in the middle of the night, or not going out so that we can talk as soon as I get home from work. I call in the morning so we can talk before I go to work. I'm really trying hard. And although he doesn't know it yet, I've written him cards and even made him cards telling him how much I care about him. I write nice emails and call to leave messages just to say "i love you." I'm just insecure because he doesn't do these things in return, all for valid reasons, he is busy...and I feel like sometimes that I am in a relationship with myself. He called today, just to tell me he missed me and I was so excited and smiling so much. Then I called to ask if he wanted the Christmas gifts I got him last year, which I know that he doesn't like. We didn't figure that one out but I' m just going to get rid of them...*soft smile* I'm a terrible gift giver. Anyways, a few weeks ago, I asked him if we could go on vacation for our birthdays...he said no, we can't afford it, so no big deal. We have alot of expenses this year. THen he tells me today that he wants to go to Vegas next weekend but isn't because of money but that he is going to go to Mexico in May. It's cool that he wants to go but makes no mention of taking me until I mention that I'd like to go to Cuba for my birthday. I do want to go there but I mainly only mention it because I want him to know what it feels like to feel as though I'm going to vacation by myself. He asks about it and I finally make the more mature decision not to get angry. I wasn't angry to begin with but I was a bit upset, which is the story of my life...because he thinks of himself as a single bachelor. I tend to think of us as a couple and I want us to have great birthdays this year which is why I suggested we go away together. I don't think he really understands what it means to be married. And although I'm fucking scared, I don't think he is ready to be married. I hope that by the time I get there, he will have figured it out. Perhaps I'm making too much out of nothing or being too harsh with him. I am his first serious relationship. I hope to be his last but I just don't know. I love him so much. But he just is changing so much. He is the man that I want forever but I just have doubts that I'm that woman to him. We talked a bit about my surgery last night. I was really proud of myself because I didn't get upset, or defensive or angry. We talked about it a bit abstractly. I'm doing my best at keeping all my feelings and emotions to myself but it is so hard. I hope he knows that. Back to this Mexico thing. So he wants to go and see his favourite band. Which is cool and I'd love to go so much but I feel like I'm not invited. I said that too him but realized that I was starting to fall into old patterns of just being cold and upset and was about to lash out when I stopped myself. Is it worth another fight? No. If he wants to go away without me, it is just something that I have to deal with. While he is there, perhaps I will go away too, and try to have a good time. I look at other couples and see how their lives are intertwined and they make plans together to do things...we don't do that, and mostly because we are far apart, but also because we don't have a strong enough marriage. We will really need to work on that when I get home. Wheww...I feel alot better now that I've gotten this all out of me. Sorry for the ranting if anyone is reading this. I am going through a difficult time emotionally and have no one to talk to so I write here...thanks. k

depression

i'm not suicidal. i'm just so depressed. background:http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/amos/postdetail/1693680.html?vc=0#1693680now: i just talked to my husband. he is shutting down about this. i made the promise never to talk about this again. it is eating me alive. i feel as though i am dying slowly. my weight has never been an issue for me. it is consuming my life now. i love who i am. i love what i look like. i am content being a fat girl. i do consider the risks associated with being obese but as far as i know, i have no health problems...besides depression. i am again floating from bulimia to anorexia and then over-eating. i feel very depressed. i often look at myself and think, you're such a pretty girl, what is wrong with you. I want my husband to think that i am too. it is killing me that he wants me to lose weight. i don't know why i can't just get over it. it has been six years and the pain still seems like yesterday. i cry every single day. i have no one to talk to because all they say is for me to leave him, that isn't going to happen. my friends think that i'm stupid to stay with a man who makes me feel so terrible about myself and my family thinks that he is right and that i am a disgusting mess. the problem is that it isn't completely his fault. i am the fat disgusting one, he didn't make me that. he didn't force me to become this huge mess of a person. it is rather funny, i see photos of myself and am shocked about how fat i actually am. i think of myself as a size 12 rather than 24. I just don't see it. that is the problem really, because he is forced to see it everytime he sees me. i told him tonight that we probably can't make love because i can't bare him to see me and have to touch something that he finds so disgusting. i'm afraid that i will lose him over this, because men need sex and i fear that he will stray to find it. i mean, he might stray regardless. he tells me over and over how much he loves me and how he will love me forever regardless but then i just sit and feel that why can't you love my body then? why can't you just leave me as you found me. i always thought that once you met the true love of your life that they would love you completely unconditionally. that they would see me as the most gorgeous being. i know that my husband loves me more than anything else but i can't get over the fact that he isn't attracted to me. it makes me feel as though i've been shot...the pain is that real. our phone conversation ended tonight in my heaving tears. he didn't have anything to say, he was just silent listening to my sobs. he hurts too. he hurts because i'm hurting and he feels guilty for making me feel like this. sometimes i think that maybe we aren't meant to be, but those thoughts are fleeting as i love him so much and i can't imagine being out of his life for one second. part of my is being rational and thinking that he is right, and this surgery will be the best for us, for my health and my emotional issues. i know that i'm close to my breaking point and i keep thinking, i'll just have a chocolate and feel better, and now i've had two and have to run to the bathroom to vomit. my life feels like it is shambles and i can't clean up. i can't seem to get away from this, might be that i'm listening to country music alot lately. all the songs about love are so beautiful and i want my love to by like that. i want to be beautiful and gorgeous and in love. i want to be that music video girl who is adored and loved and who feels like she is at the top of the world. i realize that this isn't reality but it just feels like that is the way that love is supposed to be. my love is good but it isn't that kind of love. it isn't complete. i love every single thing about my husband but he doesn't reciprocate the feelings. it is hard. very very hard. i am rambling on and on so i'll leave off here. thanks for listening.

I love George so much it hurts.

Well. George and I finally talked today. I guess we are kinda starting over. He is going to make an effort to at least call or email me once a week. His work is keeping him very very busy. And right now there isn't alot of room for me, which has tears in my eyes right now, but I will deal with it. I've also promised him that I will keep my emotions and insecurities to myself, so look out if anyone is reading this blog, it will all get posted here. I am really sad right now. My marriage is or has fallen apart but at least we have agreed to try and fix it. If I could sue immigration for doing this to us, I definately would. My world feels like it has fallen apart...although I am not one of those wives who lives completely through their husbands...he is the most important part of my life. And I just feel like he totally doesn't care as much as he used to. Perhaps it is because we are far apart and haven't seen each other for a really long time. I am going to have to put on a happy face for him though. He is really stressed about work and his life in Texas and so I need to make things easier on him and not rely on him for my happiness. He doesn't rely on me for his happiness so really I should be less selfish.

A friend recently told me that I am the most selfish and manipulating person he knows. And although he said it as constructive critism and I know he wasn't trying to be hurtful, it still bothered me alot. But it is true. I am alot like that. I do what I have to do to keep the attention on me. With George, I seem to pick fights just to hear that he cares. He is so busy that he forgets how much attention I require. I am an extreamly difficult woman to have. I require an abundance of attention to be happy. It sucks that George can't do that. I really need to grow up and be able to be happy and okay with just me and not anyone else. If I can't do that, my marriage is over. And I definately don't want that. He has no idea how I feel right now because I don't want him to. I don't want him to know that this is killing me inside because he doesn't deserve to be upset by this, because it is my own fault. I am very depressed and he can't do anything about it.

My plans for my big wedding and having babies in the near future are gone. I can't possibly bring a child into this world that I am living in. I can't be sad all the time...what kind of a life would that be. I see my friends around me falling in love and having babies and getting married...usually in opposite order...or rather, love, marriage and babies. It sucks that I can't be like them more. But things happen for a reason and I can't change my fate.

Fate, an interesting thought. I feel like I must have done something wrong in the past to have my fate twist like it has in the past two years although I must stay thankful for what I do have. I am not worse off than most and am actually alot better off that alot. I just imagined my life to be so much different. At this point I would be finishing law school and getting ready to start my career and my family. I didn't ever imagine that I would still be living at home with my parents, loving a man who doesn't know how to love me and be in Canada away from my husband. I didn't think I would be married like this iether but that was a choice that I made to forgo everthing I ever wanted for a wedding. I don't believe that George wants to have a real wedding. He is completely content with having the people in his life not know that I am his wife. His family and friends have no idea. My entire life knows...my family and friends. I am unsure why George is so adamnt that they need not know but I have a sneaking suspicion that my worst nightmare might be why. Only time will tell if it is something I will be able to experience. Until then I live through my friends. I'm beginning to annoy myself with melodramatics...I'msigning on until later. I'm fine...really.

When will it be better?

How do you say I love you long distance? How do you make it right when you're so far away. What do you do when you crave attention and affection from someone who is a million miles away? It is so hard. I feel as though I'm alone even though I'm half of a wonderful marriage. A marriage that is wonderful when I'm actually there with him. Or when we can communicate like we used to. My "George" folder is full of romantic and beautiful words that he has written to me over the past six years. His skill as a writer is unmatched in that he can make me feel like the most important woman alive. Lately he has become busy and amused by other things and I feel very neglected. It isn't just him though, I know that my pretty emails have also been not there however I have been making an effort for the past few weeks to rectify this. I write my heart out to him and I get no response. I call and leave "I love you" messages to no reply. He calls when he isn't busy and then we talk for like five minutes while I'm at work and I can't control when guests need me. It is so frusterating. I know that he is busy and that I can't be so selfish to believe that his world revolves around me, but seriously, what kind of relationship do we have? I know that things are already weird for us because we're stuck in different countries and we both work opposite shifts at work and we're on a time difference...but still...shouldn't we be able to make this work and make each other feel good about things? I don't know what to do. I miss him so much. I miss the us that is good. I miss feeling like I'm the most important part of his life. I miss being the happy girl that he calls to say "I love you" to before he goes to bed. I hope that once I get home this mess goes away on its own. Until then I pray...

MC.BIG.K

Well good morning, or rather early afternoon. I'm sitting at the computer in my living room of windows looking around pretty amazed by mother nature. We have a tonne of snow today. Three days ago, there was green grass outside these windows and now there is over a foot of fresh snow. Winter is wonderful.

The above comment is a bit of a departure from my last one of meloncholy and depression. Things are okay. I would say no better nor any worse than before. I'm still insecure and feeling jaded. I am still anxious and nervous about this surgery that I will be attempting. But all should be good once it happens, perhaps I can begin to have a normal life. Normal, what is that these days?

THe other night I accidently got really drunk. I was having wine and just lost it. Probably due to alot of the stress that I have been feeling lately. Apparently I was crying and laughing, smoking hookah while passed out and just totally out of it. I feel a bit bad because I apparently was going on and on about missing everyone and I'm not even gone yet. I was a bit out of control, not dancing on the table naked but my mouth was running, so for anyone reading this, I apologize. I need to keep more to myself. I think because I know that I am leaving really soon that I appreciate the fact that my close friends here will be so far from me later on. I miss them already I know because moving to yet another place where I know no one will be hard but no problem. I love meeting new people. Anyways, if you're reading this and I was retarded to you on MOnday...SORRY!

Anyways, I'm reading more and more into the vancouver hip hop scene. I'm inspired and interested. Look out for MC.BIG.K. *laughing*

My Emotional Battle

This is my first posting in my obsesity help forum. Everyone keeps asking why I have these mood swings and why I can't seem to just be content from day to day...the reason is because I'm having an emotional battle rage inside me everyday. I feel a bit uncomfortable writing this on here, but then again, writing is my release and even just typing this all out has made me feel better. Please don't judge my relationship, thats not my intent by writing this or think that George is a monster, he isn't, he is just the unfortunate man who fell in love with a fat girl. A person can't choose their feelings or attractions, I've come to realize this now which is why we are still together. My road is far from over and I'm only beginning to climb the mountain of emotions that I will need to conquer before I can consider myself normal, but I will get there eventually. *smiles*


SO, here I am. I'm Kelsey. I'm fat. I am 5'0" and about 292. I'm a very large girl. I met my husband six years ago. I was then about 230 or so. We fell in love and had a long distance relationship becuase i was in canada going to school and he was in the us going to school. after one short visit we had "the talk" about my weight because i felt something was wrong, even though he constantly told me how beautiful i was. i as it turned out was right. he did have a problem with my weight. he finally after many many tears said that he isn't attracted to me. my entire world was shattered. i grew up in a household where being fat was akin to being addited to drugs, it was embarassing and disgusting yet i kept my head high and was the most confident person i knew. after hearing that from the mouth of someone i loved so much i just knew that this was a turning point, either i go on and lose my confidence or i ditch this guy who is making me feel terrible. fortunately for me i am stronger that i thought. we stayed together and i explained to him that my body is my own and that if he has a problem with that then he needs to leave because i'm not about to change for anyone. he says okay, i love you and i'll get over my issues.fast forwardthree years. during this time we've moved in together, i've gained more weight, but i'm happiest about life. i start to notice things are weird. he won't hold my hand in public, i haven't met any of his childhood friends, and he keeps his distance when we're out. we again have the talk because something is wrong yet again he claims that nothing is wrong but that as we grow up he isn't into being affectionate in public, although the compliments are becoming rather non-exsistant. he makes sly ploys to say that i have pretty eyes or a nice smile but not th usual, you're beautiful compliment. so i leave it alone, but slowly i'm noticing myself becme bitter. fast foward to now. we are living separately. not by choice though. i'm home in canada awaiting my immigration paperwork. he is in the us, posted with the navy now. he works out constantly and is beyond gorgeous, insdie and out. i get drunk one night and ask him straight out if he is really okay with my weight and shockingly he claims he isn't. he tells me that he isn't attracted to me. not physically or sexually. i lose it. i am living at home again, hearing from my parents how my obesitiy is disgusting and how i need to care about my body (as if i don't at all). i totally break this time. this is the man that i love more than naything, the man that i would give my life for. how can he look me in the eye and say that he loves my completely when he can't love my body? i am a mess. I have off and on episodes with anorexia and bulimia. other times i over eat to say f*u to everyone in my life who can't seem to keep their mouths shut. i have no shortage of men telling me how beautiful i am however i want to hear this from the lips of the only man who can't say it. what do I do? I lose my confidence totally this time. i cover it up by dying my hair crazy and wearing and obscene amoutn of makeup. i joke about it and poke fun at myself before anyone else can. at night i cry myself to sleep. i have become a shell of the person i was. i am paranoid that my husband is cheating because why not? i'm here and he is there. due to work contraints and deployment, we haven't seen each other in over a year and before that was only for threedays...so really, we havne't been together in two years. i am losing my mind. does he not want to see me because he finds me disgusting? He says no but whatother reason could there be, there is no way that the navy keeps him that busy, is there? I am conflicted, is he cheating but still want to be with me. we fight alot now. about this about me freaking out about everything. he didn't get me a christmas gift this year i read into it and think he is trying to get rid of me. he bought me a tonne of gifts from the middle east deployment, is this because he was sleeping with someone else over there? he likes women with glasses, does this mean that the girls on his friends list on myspace are his new love interests? I am totally losing it. I have become that girl that i promised him i would never be. i want to blame him, i want to say that it is because you can't find me attractive but you know what they say, first time a victim, second time a volunteer. it makes me question everything. if he would lie about something like being attracted to me what else could he lie about. i feel embarassed and ashamed looking back at our memories together. i would walk around our house naked, i would bath with the door open so he could see me. i would wear sexy sheer lingerie. i would do exotic sexual positions. i am now horrified that i let him see me like that. it is my fault, becuase nowthat i am paranoid and deflated i see the signs. him telling me to shut the door during those baths. him calling me national geographic when i would change in front of him. never comenting on the choice of clothing i would wear, in or out of bed. i have dug myself a hole. this is one of those days when i just wish i could go to sleep and never wake up. i sit here after not eating since my fathers comment about gaining a whole bunch of weight. because i haven't gained a whole bunch of weight. but i don't want to hear any comments when i eat. i feel like puking. so we (my husband and I) have decided that I willl be applying for wls when i get back to the us. we have decided that it will be better for us. he says little comments about it being all about my health but we both know better. i do worry about health risks frombeing obese. but evidently i don't worry enough to want to change because i don't really want to. i want to have a normal life, with a husband who thinks i'm the most gorgeous woman alive. he is the only man i have ever been with who has ever had a problem with my weight, or perhaps the others were just oscar winning actors. so we go on, i'm going to have the procedure. i am feeling bitter and forced but i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. all the voices will be stopped. i will no longer feel disgusting around those who are supposed to love me unconditionally. i will no longer worry about eating in front of them. i will be able to run around after my future babies witout getting winded and hopefully i can keep my husband satisfied and at home for intimacy. i don't know what the future will hold. i'm scared, nervous but also a bit excited because feeling this depression and anxiety just isn't how i want to live. this is my emotional battle.

Following is the post reply that I wrote after recieving many emails about how horrible my husband is and how my marriage is only going to fall apart. Things aren't as they always appear, I'm a testimony to that. If you are going to comment, please try to understand and realize that George never meant to hurt me and that he is trying to make things better for me...

All of your words of encouragment are outstanding. *smiles* I wrote and wrote all my feelings out but i realize now that i have made my husband out to be a monster. he isn't. he doesn't say hurtful things ever. he loves me alot. he does anything i ask. he kisses the pain away (when we are together.) I am doing this for us. It is so hard for me to reconcile all these feelings. George has never forced me into this choice although it sometimes feels that way. He has made it very very clear that he loves me regardless...and that should I choose to do nothing, and stay the same fat girl,that he will still love me and be with me forever. It is me who wants mroe though, i want to be the sexiest woman alive, to him. I want to see that experience that through his actions. It is an emotional battle. Some days I want to walk away because i know that there are men out there who could treat me how i want now and not after the weight loss, but the problem is I only want him. He has been there for me through some very tragic and trumatic times in my life and i'm not willing to lose him over a hundred pounds. as a married woman i look at how things with benefit or not benefit us as acouple as a family rather than how things will work out for me alone. the wls is something for us togehter. he will get the woman he has been dreaming of and i will get a longer livespan. he will get to grow old with me and i will get his constant companionship. it is a hard road, any woman reading this knows that, and i know that this life changing has to be on my own terms but if it means that i can have my perfect marriage, i'm about willing to try anything.thank you so much for your words of encouragment, i feel as though i'm in a dark tunnel but seeing your rays of light is really really helpful!