Angry Dragon

Hi again. It has been a few days of bliss. George and I talked about our problems and pretty much agreed to disagree. We decided that we will never talk about my weight again. We will never talk about his thoughts on my appearance again. I will keep my emotions and feelings to myself. And we will try harder. It so far is working okay although I'm feeling incredibly insecure. I feel like I have no idea where I stand in our relationship. What I mean is that I know that he loves me but I don't know to what extent he loves me. If we were in the same place, we could easily show each how much we love one another. But because we are far apart we have nothing but the phone, email, and the postal mail. It is hard to have a relationship like that. We talk more now, well the last week. I've been calling him in the middle of the night, or not going out so that we can talk as soon as I get home from work. I call in the morning so we can talk before I go to work. I'm really trying hard. And although he doesn't know it yet, I've written him cards and even made him cards telling him how much I care about him. I write nice emails and call to leave messages just to say "i love you." I'm just insecure because he doesn't do these things in return, all for valid reasons, he is busy...and I feel like sometimes that I am in a relationship with myself. He called today, just to tell me he missed me and I was so excited and smiling so much. Then I called to ask if he wanted the Christmas gifts I got him last year, which I know that he doesn't like. We didn't figure that one out but I' m just going to get rid of them...*soft smile* I'm a terrible gift giver. Anyways, a few weeks ago, I asked him if we could go on vacation for our birthdays...he said no, we can't afford it, so no big deal. We have alot of expenses this year. THen he tells me today that he wants to go to Vegas next weekend but isn't because of money but that he is going to go to Mexico in May. It's cool that he wants to go but makes no mention of taking me until I mention that I'd like to go to Cuba for my birthday. I do want to go there but I mainly only mention it because I want him to know what it feels like to feel as though I'm going to vacation by myself. He asks about it and I finally make the more mature decision not to get angry. I wasn't angry to begin with but I was a bit upset, which is the story of my life...because he thinks of himself as a single bachelor. I tend to think of us as a couple and I want us to have great birthdays this year which is why I suggested we go away together. I don't think he really understands what it means to be married. And although I'm fucking scared, I don't think he is ready to be married. I hope that by the time I get there, he will have figured it out. Perhaps I'm making too much out of nothing or being too harsh with him. I am his first serious relationship. I hope to be his last but I just don't know. I love him so much. But he just is changing so much. He is the man that I want forever but I just have doubts that I'm that woman to him. We talked a bit about my surgery last night. I was really proud of myself because I didn't get upset, or defensive or angry. We talked about it a bit abstractly. I'm doing my best at keeping all my feelings and emotions to myself but it is so hard. I hope he knows that. Back to this Mexico thing. So he wants to go and see his favourite band. Which is cool and I'd love to go so much but I feel like I'm not invited. I said that too him but realized that I was starting to fall into old patterns of just being cold and upset and was about to lash out when I stopped myself. Is it worth another fight? No. If he wants to go away without me, it is just something that I have to deal with. While he is there, perhaps I will go away too, and try to have a good time. I look at other couples and see how their lives are intertwined and they make plans together to do things...we don't do that, and mostly because we are far apart, but also because we don't have a strong enough marriage. We will really need to work on that when I get home. Wheww...I feel alot better now that I've gotten this all out of me. Sorry for the ranting if anyone is reading this. I am going through a difficult time emotionally and have no one to talk to so I write here...thanks. k