depression

i'm not suicidal. i'm just so depressed. background:http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/amos/postdetail/1693680.html?vc=0#1693680now: i just talked to my husband. he is shutting down about this. i made the promise never to talk about this again. it is eating me alive. i feel as though i am dying slowly. my weight has never been an issue for me. it is consuming my life now. i love who i am. i love what i look like. i am content being a fat girl. i do consider the risks associated with being obese but as far as i know, i have no health problems...besides depression. i am again floating from bulimia to anorexia and then over-eating. i feel very depressed. i often look at myself and think, you're such a pretty girl, what is wrong with you. I want my husband to think that i am too. it is killing me that he wants me to lose weight. i don't know why i can't just get over it. it has been six years and the pain still seems like yesterday. i cry every single day. i have no one to talk to because all they say is for me to leave him, that isn't going to happen. my friends think that i'm stupid to stay with a man who makes me feel so terrible about myself and my family thinks that he is right and that i am a disgusting mess. the problem is that it isn't completely his fault. i am the fat disgusting one, he didn't make me that. he didn't force me to become this huge mess of a person. it is rather funny, i see photos of myself and am shocked about how fat i actually am. i think of myself as a size 12 rather than 24. I just don't see it. that is the problem really, because he is forced to see it everytime he sees me. i told him tonight that we probably can't make love because i can't bare him to see me and have to touch something that he finds so disgusting. i'm afraid that i will lose him over this, because men need sex and i fear that he will stray to find it. i mean, he might stray regardless. he tells me over and over how much he loves me and how he will love me forever regardless but then i just sit and feel that why can't you love my body then? why can't you just leave me as you found me. i always thought that once you met the true love of your life that they would love you completely unconditionally. that they would see me as the most gorgeous being. i know that my husband loves me more than anything else but i can't get over the fact that he isn't attracted to me. it makes me feel as though i've been shot...the pain is that real. our phone conversation ended tonight in my heaving tears. he didn't have anything to say, he was just silent listening to my sobs. he hurts too. he hurts because i'm hurting and he feels guilty for making me feel like this. sometimes i think that maybe we aren't meant to be, but those thoughts are fleeting as i love him so much and i can't imagine being out of his life for one second. part of my is being rational and thinking that he is right, and this surgery will be the best for us, for my health and my emotional issues. i know that i'm close to my breaking point and i keep thinking, i'll just have a chocolate and feel better, and now i've had two and have to run to the bathroom to vomit. my life feels like it is shambles and i can't clean up. i can't seem to get away from this, might be that i'm listening to country music alot lately. all the songs about love are so beautiful and i want my love to by like that. i want to be beautiful and gorgeous and in love. i want to be that music video girl who is adored and loved and who feels like she is at the top of the world. i realize that this isn't reality but it just feels like that is the way that love is supposed to be. my love is good but it isn't that kind of love. it isn't complete. i love every single thing about my husband but he doesn't reciprocate the feelings. it is hard. very very hard. i am rambling on and on so i'll leave off here. thanks for listening.