Deadly Drink

How to make KILLER ~ EVIL EMILY By Em-Cat

1 shot vodka
1 shot creme de banana
1 shot kaluha
1 shot bailey's

fill with milk and put green straw and prepare for death.

Em's Deadly Drinks.
www.hammeredbeyondbelief.com

K Star ~ Super Heroin

Well...Thank the Lord for St. John's Wort. *smiles* Been taking it for little over a week and the clouds have lifted. I'm a much happier person. *smiles* So is George. We are getting along famously now. No more fighting, or arguing or anything. Bliss. Finally.

In more news, there is a chance we could move to Bahrain. I've been looking into it and I'm a go. I would love to move there. I know, all the trouble in the middle east seems harsh, but Bahrain is the Canada. Calm and peaceful, although always thrown into the mix by their neighours....*smiles* So Bahrain, if the Navy says go, we'll jump!

Beyond that, I'm almost done my immigration...I think. I'm waiting on my last piece of the puzzle, which is my passport and then interview in Vancouver at the US Embassy, and medical exam to make sure I don't have syphillis. Imagine. I asked if they would just take my word for it, but alas, the test must go on. Just another hurdle. I don't have any diseases in case you were concerned...in fact I'm surprised that I have no ailments. With the exception of being fat, which my friends and family view as an epidemic of AIDS porportions...I know I know...heart diesease, diabetes...yada yada yada...I'm having surgery, I'll be "healthy" in awhile.

Skidily (sk-id-ily) ~ Person who is homeless, does not own a car, can't buy their own drinks, drinks lysol, and pine sol, etc. Example: Fubar. More from Emily's drunk slur-ily dictionary to follow. I love drunk people. Myself included. Gangsta G included. Crying screeching messes of people excluded. Except Cammille. *laugh*

Have a great day peeps. Peace love and music. ANd above all else...Go Canucks.

Redemption

hi my kels, i just want you to know that i love you more than anything!!! i want to write down some stuff that i remember and i hope you remember too... (you better remember! haha) you falling asleep on my lap on the couch in silverdale kissing you at midnight watching the new years fire works on the tv in prince george giving you the bunny ears in a picture taken in the casino parking lot cuddling with you under the covers in valemount when i was freezing talking to you on the phone when you broke your foot hearing you say 'i love you' for the first time hearing your voice for the first time laying next to you for the first time in your bed (even though your bed was kinda gay) putting in blue contacts that didnt fit you hugging you in the airport (take your pick of the airport) holding your hand while driving laughing when you tried to drive my car kissing you when i came back from my first deployment in washington hearing your voice when i arrived in great lakes for boot camp calling you when i was sick from boot camp laying next to you in great lakes at my aunt and uncles house cuddling with you in mira mesa watching you get your tongue pierced watching tv with you kicking your ass playing uno and phase 10 or whatever the heck its called cooking you macaroni and cheese wearing my favorite (and your least favorite) shoes for the first time smoking hookah with you calling and saying happy 1st month anniversary eating chinese food with you for the first time (american chinese food is WAYYYYY better) waiting for hours for a table at PF Changs going to the lake with you watching the Gulls win a championship with you being there when you met my grandma watching you hang out with Leia for the first time sending you flowers sending you a mixed CD for valentines day laying next to you for the first time meeting your parents for the first time drinking way too much water at your parents house crawling on the floor at your parents house tessie crapping all over your bedroom you taking a picture of me with sophie hanging out with you and your grandpa in prince george when he talked about how weed is canada's cash crop watching your canucks beat the devils (they got lucky) at your friends house making fun of your team getting beat by edmonton *haha* hearing you say you hate the names madison and mckenzie hearing your voice for the first time staring into your beautiful green eyes for the first time making fun of your lesbian haircut in prince george :) us hanging out with robin and liza at that study group (hope you werent too bored) getting that photo book that you put perfume onto taking a picture of us kissing at new years giving you a lap dance us moving into the apartment in silverdale sleeping together at the navy lodge driving through the town "Weed" having our first *kids* (frog and fish) in silverdale laying with you on the couch at your parents house christmas morning freezing with you in your sisters car you taking a picture of me wearing that silly turtleneck you attacking me with cardboard hugging you making love to you all the places weve made love having italian food at buca di beppo in mira mesa having a bagel with cheese on it with you having wine with you at christmas dinner riding on the gondola with you at the zoo watching lord of the rings part 1 in prince george with you, and part 3 in great lakes kissing your neck for the first time laughing when you would turn the water on when you went to the bathroom so i couldnt listen touching your cute nose for the first time freaking out about all the rain in washington the night we drove into town saying 'te amo' to you for the first time running my hands through your hair my tongue touching your tongue (and how much you dont really like that) touching your boobs the first time hearing your laugh the first time on the phone you punching me in the arm taking you to the american idol concert you making fun of my dancing at PB bar & grill me sticking my fingers in your nose taking a picture with you in front of the christmas tree at your friends house driving from vancouver to valemount with you driving through that smelly ass town where they film a lot of porn in Canada kissing your feet and touching your feet writing 'i love you' on your skin with my fingers i love thinking about all of these times and all the memories we will share in our lives together!! I LOVE YOU!!!! forever your George

Angry Dragon

Hi again. It has been a few days of bliss. George and I talked about our problems and pretty much agreed to disagree. We decided that we will never talk about my weight again. We will never talk about his thoughts on my appearance again. I will keep my emotions and feelings to myself. And we will try harder. It so far is working okay although I'm feeling incredibly insecure. I feel like I have no idea where I stand in our relationship. What I mean is that I know that he loves me but I don't know to what extent he loves me. If we were in the same place, we could easily show each how much we love one another. But because we are far apart we have nothing but the phone, email, and the postal mail. It is hard to have a relationship like that. We talk more now, well the last week. I've been calling him in the middle of the night, or not going out so that we can talk as soon as I get home from work. I call in the morning so we can talk before I go to work. I'm really trying hard. And although he doesn't know it yet, I've written him cards and even made him cards telling him how much I care about him. I write nice emails and call to leave messages just to say "i love you." I'm just insecure because he doesn't do these things in return, all for valid reasons, he is busy...and I feel like sometimes that I am in a relationship with myself. He called today, just to tell me he missed me and I was so excited and smiling so much. Then I called to ask if he wanted the Christmas gifts I got him last year, which I know that he doesn't like. We didn't figure that one out but I' m just going to get rid of them...*soft smile* I'm a terrible gift giver. Anyways, a few weeks ago, I asked him if we could go on vacation for our birthdays...he said no, we can't afford it, so no big deal. We have alot of expenses this year. THen he tells me today that he wants to go to Vegas next weekend but isn't because of money but that he is going to go to Mexico in May. It's cool that he wants to go but makes no mention of taking me until I mention that I'd like to go to Cuba for my birthday. I do want to go there but I mainly only mention it because I want him to know what it feels like to feel as though I'm going to vacation by myself. He asks about it and I finally make the more mature decision not to get angry. I wasn't angry to begin with but I was a bit upset, which is the story of my life...because he thinks of himself as a single bachelor. I tend to think of us as a couple and I want us to have great birthdays this year which is why I suggested we go away together. I don't think he really understands what it means to be married. And although I'm fucking scared, I don't think he is ready to be married. I hope that by the time I get there, he will have figured it out. Perhaps I'm making too much out of nothing or being too harsh with him. I am his first serious relationship. I hope to be his last but I just don't know. I love him so much. But he just is changing so much. He is the man that I want forever but I just have doubts that I'm that woman to him. We talked a bit about my surgery last night. I was really proud of myself because I didn't get upset, or defensive or angry. We talked about it a bit abstractly. I'm doing my best at keeping all my feelings and emotions to myself but it is so hard. I hope he knows that. Back to this Mexico thing. So he wants to go and see his favourite band. Which is cool and I'd love to go so much but I feel like I'm not invited. I said that too him but realized that I was starting to fall into old patterns of just being cold and upset and was about to lash out when I stopped myself. Is it worth another fight? No. If he wants to go away without me, it is just something that I have to deal with. While he is there, perhaps I will go away too, and try to have a good time. I look at other couples and see how their lives are intertwined and they make plans together to do things...we don't do that, and mostly because we are far apart, but also because we don't have a strong enough marriage. We will really need to work on that when I get home. Wheww...I feel alot better now that I've gotten this all out of me. Sorry for the ranting if anyone is reading this. I am going through a difficult time emotionally and have no one to talk to so I write here...thanks. k

depression

i'm not suicidal. i'm just so depressed. background:http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/amos/postdetail/1693680.html?vc=0#1693680now: i just talked to my husband. he is shutting down about this. i made the promise never to talk about this again. it is eating me alive. i feel as though i am dying slowly. my weight has never been an issue for me. it is consuming my life now. i love who i am. i love what i look like. i am content being a fat girl. i do consider the risks associated with being obese but as far as i know, i have no health problems...besides depression. i am again floating from bulimia to anorexia and then over-eating. i feel very depressed. i often look at myself and think, you're such a pretty girl, what is wrong with you. I want my husband to think that i am too. it is killing me that he wants me to lose weight. i don't know why i can't just get over it. it has been six years and the pain still seems like yesterday. i cry every single day. i have no one to talk to because all they say is for me to leave him, that isn't going to happen. my friends think that i'm stupid to stay with a man who makes me feel so terrible about myself and my family thinks that he is right and that i am a disgusting mess. the problem is that it isn't completely his fault. i am the fat disgusting one, he didn't make me that. he didn't force me to become this huge mess of a person. it is rather funny, i see photos of myself and am shocked about how fat i actually am. i think of myself as a size 12 rather than 24. I just don't see it. that is the problem really, because he is forced to see it everytime he sees me. i told him tonight that we probably can't make love because i can't bare him to see me and have to touch something that he finds so disgusting. i'm afraid that i will lose him over this, because men need sex and i fear that he will stray to find it. i mean, he might stray regardless. he tells me over and over how much he loves me and how he will love me forever regardless but then i just sit and feel that why can't you love my body then? why can't you just leave me as you found me. i always thought that once you met the true love of your life that they would love you completely unconditionally. that they would see me as the most gorgeous being. i know that my husband loves me more than anything else but i can't get over the fact that he isn't attracted to me. it makes me feel as though i've been shot...the pain is that real. our phone conversation ended tonight in my heaving tears. he didn't have anything to say, he was just silent listening to my sobs. he hurts too. he hurts because i'm hurting and he feels guilty for making me feel like this. sometimes i think that maybe we aren't meant to be, but those thoughts are fleeting as i love him so much and i can't imagine being out of his life for one second. part of my is being rational and thinking that he is right, and this surgery will be the best for us, for my health and my emotional issues. i know that i'm close to my breaking point and i keep thinking, i'll just have a chocolate and feel better, and now i've had two and have to run to the bathroom to vomit. my life feels like it is shambles and i can't clean up. i can't seem to get away from this, might be that i'm listening to country music alot lately. all the songs about love are so beautiful and i want my love to by like that. i want to be beautiful and gorgeous and in love. i want to be that music video girl who is adored and loved and who feels like she is at the top of the world. i realize that this isn't reality but it just feels like that is the way that love is supposed to be. my love is good but it isn't that kind of love. it isn't complete. i love every single thing about my husband but he doesn't reciprocate the feelings. it is hard. very very hard. i am rambling on and on so i'll leave off here. thanks for listening.

I love George so much it hurts.

Well. George and I finally talked today. I guess we are kinda starting over. He is going to make an effort to at least call or email me once a week. His work is keeping him very very busy. And right now there isn't alot of room for me, which has tears in my eyes right now, but I will deal with it. I've also promised him that I will keep my emotions and insecurities to myself, so look out if anyone is reading this blog, it will all get posted here. I am really sad right now. My marriage is or has fallen apart but at least we have agreed to try and fix it. If I could sue immigration for doing this to us, I definately would. My world feels like it has fallen apart...although I am not one of those wives who lives completely through their husbands...he is the most important part of my life. And I just feel like he totally doesn't care as much as he used to. Perhaps it is because we are far apart and haven't seen each other for a really long time. I am going to have to put on a happy face for him though. He is really stressed about work and his life in Texas and so I need to make things easier on him and not rely on him for my happiness. He doesn't rely on me for his happiness so really I should be less selfish.

A friend recently told me that I am the most selfish and manipulating person he knows. And although he said it as constructive critism and I know he wasn't trying to be hurtful, it still bothered me alot. But it is true. I am alot like that. I do what I have to do to keep the attention on me. With George, I seem to pick fights just to hear that he cares. He is so busy that he forgets how much attention I require. I am an extreamly difficult woman to have. I require an abundance of attention to be happy. It sucks that George can't do that. I really need to grow up and be able to be happy and okay with just me and not anyone else. If I can't do that, my marriage is over. And I definately don't want that. He has no idea how I feel right now because I don't want him to. I don't want him to know that this is killing me inside because he doesn't deserve to be upset by this, because it is my own fault. I am very depressed and he can't do anything about it.

My plans for my big wedding and having babies in the near future are gone. I can't possibly bring a child into this world that I am living in. I can't be sad all the time...what kind of a life would that be. I see my friends around me falling in love and having babies and getting married...usually in opposite order...or rather, love, marriage and babies. It sucks that I can't be like them more. But things happen for a reason and I can't change my fate.

Fate, an interesting thought. I feel like I must have done something wrong in the past to have my fate twist like it has in the past two years although I must stay thankful for what I do have. I am not worse off than most and am actually alot better off that alot. I just imagined my life to be so much different. At this point I would be finishing law school and getting ready to start my career and my family. I didn't ever imagine that I would still be living at home with my parents, loving a man who doesn't know how to love me and be in Canada away from my husband. I didn't think I would be married like this iether but that was a choice that I made to forgo everthing I ever wanted for a wedding. I don't believe that George wants to have a real wedding. He is completely content with having the people in his life not know that I am his wife. His family and friends have no idea. My entire life knows...my family and friends. I am unsure why George is so adamnt that they need not know but I have a sneaking suspicion that my worst nightmare might be why. Only time will tell if it is something I will be able to experience. Until then I live through my friends. I'm beginning to annoy myself with melodramatics...I'msigning on until later. I'm fine...really.

When will it be better?

How do you say I love you long distance? How do you make it right when you're so far away. What do you do when you crave attention and affection from someone who is a million miles away? It is so hard. I feel as though I'm alone even though I'm half of a wonderful marriage. A marriage that is wonderful when I'm actually there with him. Or when we can communicate like we used to. My "George" folder is full of romantic and beautiful words that he has written to me over the past six years. His skill as a writer is unmatched in that he can make me feel like the most important woman alive. Lately he has become busy and amused by other things and I feel very neglected. It isn't just him though, I know that my pretty emails have also been not there however I have been making an effort for the past few weeks to rectify this. I write my heart out to him and I get no response. I call and leave "I love you" messages to no reply. He calls when he isn't busy and then we talk for like five minutes while I'm at work and I can't control when guests need me. It is so frusterating. I know that he is busy and that I can't be so selfish to believe that his world revolves around me, but seriously, what kind of relationship do we have? I know that things are already weird for us because we're stuck in different countries and we both work opposite shifts at work and we're on a time difference...but still...shouldn't we be able to make this work and make each other feel good about things? I don't know what to do. I miss him so much. I miss the us that is good. I miss feeling like I'm the most important part of his life. I miss being the happy girl that he calls to say "I love you" to before he goes to bed. I hope that once I get home this mess goes away on its own. Until then I pray...

MC.BIG.K

Well good morning, or rather early afternoon. I'm sitting at the computer in my living room of windows looking around pretty amazed by mother nature. We have a tonne of snow today. Three days ago, there was green grass outside these windows and now there is over a foot of fresh snow. Winter is wonderful.

The above comment is a bit of a departure from my last one of meloncholy and depression. Things are okay. I would say no better nor any worse than before. I'm still insecure and feeling jaded. I am still anxious and nervous about this surgery that I will be attempting. But all should be good once it happens, perhaps I can begin to have a normal life. Normal, what is that these days?

THe other night I accidently got really drunk. I was having wine and just lost it. Probably due to alot of the stress that I have been feeling lately. Apparently I was crying and laughing, smoking hookah while passed out and just totally out of it. I feel a bit bad because I apparently was going on and on about missing everyone and I'm not even gone yet. I was a bit out of control, not dancing on the table naked but my mouth was running, so for anyone reading this, I apologize. I need to keep more to myself. I think because I know that I am leaving really soon that I appreciate the fact that my close friends here will be so far from me later on. I miss them already I know because moving to yet another place where I know no one will be hard but no problem. I love meeting new people. Anyways, if you're reading this and I was retarded to you on MOnday...SORRY!

Anyways, I'm reading more and more into the vancouver hip hop scene. I'm inspired and interested. Look out for MC.BIG.K. *laughing*

My Emotional Battle

This is my first posting in my obsesity help forum. Everyone keeps asking why I have these mood swings and why I can't seem to just be content from day to day...the reason is because I'm having an emotional battle rage inside me everyday. I feel a bit uncomfortable writing this on here, but then again, writing is my release and even just typing this all out has made me feel better. Please don't judge my relationship, thats not my intent by writing this or think that George is a monster, he isn't, he is just the unfortunate man who fell in love with a fat girl. A person can't choose their feelings or attractions, I've come to realize this now which is why we are still together. My road is far from over and I'm only beginning to climb the mountain of emotions that I will need to conquer before I can consider myself normal, but I will get there eventually. *smiles*


SO, here I am. I'm Kelsey. I'm fat. I am 5'0" and about 292. I'm a very large girl. I met my husband six years ago. I was then about 230 or so. We fell in love and had a long distance relationship becuase i was in canada going to school and he was in the us going to school. after one short visit we had "the talk" about my weight because i felt something was wrong, even though he constantly told me how beautiful i was. i as it turned out was right. he did have a problem with my weight. he finally after many many tears said that he isn't attracted to me. my entire world was shattered. i grew up in a household where being fat was akin to being addited to drugs, it was embarassing and disgusting yet i kept my head high and was the most confident person i knew. after hearing that from the mouth of someone i loved so much i just knew that this was a turning point, either i go on and lose my confidence or i ditch this guy who is making me feel terrible. fortunately for me i am stronger that i thought. we stayed together and i explained to him that my body is my own and that if he has a problem with that then he needs to leave because i'm not about to change for anyone. he says okay, i love you and i'll get over my issues.fast forwardthree years. during this time we've moved in together, i've gained more weight, but i'm happiest about life. i start to notice things are weird. he won't hold my hand in public, i haven't met any of his childhood friends, and he keeps his distance when we're out. we again have the talk because something is wrong yet again he claims that nothing is wrong but that as we grow up he isn't into being affectionate in public, although the compliments are becoming rather non-exsistant. he makes sly ploys to say that i have pretty eyes or a nice smile but not th usual, you're beautiful compliment. so i leave it alone, but slowly i'm noticing myself becme bitter. fast foward to now. we are living separately. not by choice though. i'm home in canada awaiting my immigration paperwork. he is in the us, posted with the navy now. he works out constantly and is beyond gorgeous, insdie and out. i get drunk one night and ask him straight out if he is really okay with my weight and shockingly he claims he isn't. he tells me that he isn't attracted to me. not physically or sexually. i lose it. i am living at home again, hearing from my parents how my obesitiy is disgusting and how i need to care about my body (as if i don't at all). i totally break this time. this is the man that i love more than naything, the man that i would give my life for. how can he look me in the eye and say that he loves my completely when he can't love my body? i am a mess. I have off and on episodes with anorexia and bulimia. other times i over eat to say f*u to everyone in my life who can't seem to keep their mouths shut. i have no shortage of men telling me how beautiful i am however i want to hear this from the lips of the only man who can't say it. what do I do? I lose my confidence totally this time. i cover it up by dying my hair crazy and wearing and obscene amoutn of makeup. i joke about it and poke fun at myself before anyone else can. at night i cry myself to sleep. i have become a shell of the person i was. i am paranoid that my husband is cheating because why not? i'm here and he is there. due to work contraints and deployment, we haven't seen each other in over a year and before that was only for threedays...so really, we havne't been together in two years. i am losing my mind. does he not want to see me because he finds me disgusting? He says no but whatother reason could there be, there is no way that the navy keeps him that busy, is there? I am conflicted, is he cheating but still want to be with me. we fight alot now. about this about me freaking out about everything. he didn't get me a christmas gift this year i read into it and think he is trying to get rid of me. he bought me a tonne of gifts from the middle east deployment, is this because he was sleeping with someone else over there? he likes women with glasses, does this mean that the girls on his friends list on myspace are his new love interests? I am totally losing it. I have become that girl that i promised him i would never be. i want to blame him, i want to say that it is because you can't find me attractive but you know what they say, first time a victim, second time a volunteer. it makes me question everything. if he would lie about something like being attracted to me what else could he lie about. i feel embarassed and ashamed looking back at our memories together. i would walk around our house naked, i would bath with the door open so he could see me. i would wear sexy sheer lingerie. i would do exotic sexual positions. i am now horrified that i let him see me like that. it is my fault, becuase nowthat i am paranoid and deflated i see the signs. him telling me to shut the door during those baths. him calling me national geographic when i would change in front of him. never comenting on the choice of clothing i would wear, in or out of bed. i have dug myself a hole. this is one of those days when i just wish i could go to sleep and never wake up. i sit here after not eating since my fathers comment about gaining a whole bunch of weight. because i haven't gained a whole bunch of weight. but i don't want to hear any comments when i eat. i feel like puking. so we (my husband and I) have decided that I willl be applying for wls when i get back to the us. we have decided that it will be better for us. he says little comments about it being all about my health but we both know better. i do worry about health risks frombeing obese. but evidently i don't worry enough to want to change because i don't really want to. i want to have a normal life, with a husband who thinks i'm the most gorgeous woman alive. he is the only man i have ever been with who has ever had a problem with my weight, or perhaps the others were just oscar winning actors. so we go on, i'm going to have the procedure. i am feeling bitter and forced but i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. all the voices will be stopped. i will no longer feel disgusting around those who are supposed to love me unconditionally. i will no longer worry about eating in front of them. i will be able to run around after my future babies witout getting winded and hopefully i can keep my husband satisfied and at home for intimacy. i don't know what the future will hold. i'm scared, nervous but also a bit excited because feeling this depression and anxiety just isn't how i want to live. this is my emotional battle.

Following is the post reply that I wrote after recieving many emails about how horrible my husband is and how my marriage is only going to fall apart. Things aren't as they always appear, I'm a testimony to that. If you are going to comment, please try to understand and realize that George never meant to hurt me and that he is trying to make things better for me...

All of your words of encouragment are outstanding. *smiles* I wrote and wrote all my feelings out but i realize now that i have made my husband out to be a monster. he isn't. he doesn't say hurtful things ever. he loves me alot. he does anything i ask. he kisses the pain away (when we are together.) I am doing this for us. It is so hard for me to reconcile all these feelings. George has never forced me into this choice although it sometimes feels that way. He has made it very very clear that he loves me regardless...and that should I choose to do nothing, and stay the same fat girl,that he will still love me and be with me forever. It is me who wants mroe though, i want to be the sexiest woman alive, to him. I want to see that experience that through his actions. It is an emotional battle. Some days I want to walk away because i know that there are men out there who could treat me how i want now and not after the weight loss, but the problem is I only want him. He has been there for me through some very tragic and trumatic times in my life and i'm not willing to lose him over a hundred pounds. as a married woman i look at how things with benefit or not benefit us as acouple as a family rather than how things will work out for me alone. the wls is something for us togehter. he will get the woman he has been dreaming of and i will get a longer livespan. he will get to grow old with me and i will get his constant companionship. it is a hard road, any woman reading this knows that, and i know that this life changing has to be on my own terms but if it means that i can have my perfect marriage, i'm about willing to try anything.thank you so much for your words of encouragment, i feel as though i'm in a dark tunnel but seeing your rays of light is really really helpful!