Down and Out

Do fat girls have to conform? When does it become more than a lifestyle choice? When is it okay to ask someone to change? I'm in love. Fully, head over feet, all filled up wtih love. But he wants me to change. He wants a thinner wife. In the beginning it was question of attraction. I was indignant and angry and bascially said "get over yourself or get a new girlfriend." He said he would get over himself. He didn't. But now it has evolved into, "I'm worried about your health." I am really torn. Part of me doesn't believe him. Part of me says, "yea right, only another excuse because you want me to morph into this superficial idea that you have of beauty." but then the other part of me says "he's right, obesity leads to many health problems..." the problem is though that I can't let go of the painful comments from the beginning of him not being sexually attracted to me. THEN WHY BE WITH ME!??! WHY HAVE SEX WITH ME !?!? WHY LET ME LOVE YOU!!?!? He says that I took it in a way that he never meant...and truth be told, he has been extreamly supportive of any weight loss or diet I've been interested in. He is good to me...but he doesn't do the things that I believe he should. I believe that my partner in life should be complimenting me constantly, I believe that my partner in this life should think I am the most beautiful woman alive. He should believe that I am awesome and want to show me off to the world...but alas...my man isn't like this, or at least not like this with me. I am really really torn up emotionally. I don't know what to believe and what to disregard. I found out that he joined a personals website. I was crushed. Totally crushed. To the point where I fell asleep not wanting to wake up. I'm not suicidal but I can't handle anymore hurt. So I asked him about it. He denied it at first, then said that he joined to meet other people to talk to about us, then because he was just looking for people to talk to online...and now has no real explanation. He gets angry when we talk about it because now I don't believe him. It is obvious to me that he is looking for someone else. But why, I asked and asked and asked until the point where I couldn't breathe because I was crying so much. I had to hang up on him. I feel at fault because I'm constantly the one who is upset and for the first while he kept telling me that it isn't his fault, that I'm doing this to myself, but then I finally got the picture and screamed that it wasn't me, I"M NOT DOING ANYTHING! So where does this leave me. I don't trust him really anymore. I love him and want to make this work more than anything else, but I am constantly jealous and suspicious. I told him last night, that I don't care if he has female friends but he said something that totally struck me..."that is bull shit Kelsey, in the current state you are in, you would freak out if I even talked to another girl on the phone." and he is exactly right. I would. When did I become that girl? When did I become that girl that I've always hated. I never dreamed that I would become that girl. But here I am...a shell of insecurity and anger. I find it rather interesting that I used to be such a confident woman. and in reality I still am...when it comes to anyone but George. Men talk to me at work, and I know that they think I'm hot...even if they really don't...*laugh* I work it...because I can, and because I'm okay with myself. But when it comes to George, I feel like a bag of shit. Something that he is stuck with because of promises to change and hopes for something completely different from what I am. I feel like I'm the most unimportant thing in his life. I mean, he hasn't seen me in 15 months and has no plans of seeing me until I get to go home, but who knows when that will be. He did say last night that he is going to try to come see me, but I don't believe it. I think that he is just saying it to make me stop crying. I told him that I'll believe it when I see him standing in my house. I feel like a total mess. Yet I have to keep on a happy face because everyone is always in face when I'm upset. My parents ask what is wrong and then get mad when I talk about saying that it is a choice that I made and that I'm just being overdramatic. My thoughts aren't even coherent lately. This blog has been a rambling mess...although I feel better by writing it. Any girls out there--any advice would be appreciated. Peace.