My Emotional Battle

This is my first posting in my obsesity help forum. Everyone keeps asking why I have these mood swings and why I can't seem to just be content from day to day...the reason is because I'm having an emotional battle rage inside me everyday. I feel a bit uncomfortable writing this on here, but then again, writing is my release and even just typing this all out has made me feel better. Please don't judge my relationship, thats not my intent by writing this or think that George is a monster, he isn't, he is just the unfortunate man who fell in love with a fat girl. A person can't choose their feelings or attractions, I've come to realize this now which is why we are still together. My road is far from over and I'm only beginning to climb the mountain of emotions that I will need to conquer before I can consider myself normal, but I will get there eventually. *smiles*


SO, here I am. I'm Kelsey. I'm fat. I am 5'0" and about 292. I'm a very large girl. I met my husband six years ago. I was then about 230 or so. We fell in love and had a long distance relationship becuase i was in canada going to school and he was in the us going to school. after one short visit we had "the talk" about my weight because i felt something was wrong, even though he constantly told me how beautiful i was. i as it turned out was right. he did have a problem with my weight. he finally after many many tears said that he isn't attracted to me. my entire world was shattered. i grew up in a household where being fat was akin to being addited to drugs, it was embarassing and disgusting yet i kept my head high and was the most confident person i knew. after hearing that from the mouth of someone i loved so much i just knew that this was a turning point, either i go on and lose my confidence or i ditch this guy who is making me feel terrible. fortunately for me i am stronger that i thought. we stayed together and i explained to him that my body is my own and that if he has a problem with that then he needs to leave because i'm not about to change for anyone. he says okay, i love you and i'll get over my issues.fast forwardthree years. during this time we've moved in together, i've gained more weight, but i'm happiest about life. i start to notice things are weird. he won't hold my hand in public, i haven't met any of his childhood friends, and he keeps his distance when we're out. we again have the talk because something is wrong yet again he claims that nothing is wrong but that as we grow up he isn't into being affectionate in public, although the compliments are becoming rather non-exsistant. he makes sly ploys to say that i have pretty eyes or a nice smile but not th usual, you're beautiful compliment. so i leave it alone, but slowly i'm noticing myself becme bitter. fast foward to now. we are living separately. not by choice though. i'm home in canada awaiting my immigration paperwork. he is in the us, posted with the navy now. he works out constantly and is beyond gorgeous, insdie and out. i get drunk one night and ask him straight out if he is really okay with my weight and shockingly he claims he isn't. he tells me that he isn't attracted to me. not physically or sexually. i lose it. i am living at home again, hearing from my parents how my obesitiy is disgusting and how i need to care about my body (as if i don't at all). i totally break this time. this is the man that i love more than naything, the man that i would give my life for. how can he look me in the eye and say that he loves my completely when he can't love my body? i am a mess. I have off and on episodes with anorexia and bulimia. other times i over eat to say f*u to everyone in my life who can't seem to keep their mouths shut. i have no shortage of men telling me how beautiful i am however i want to hear this from the lips of the only man who can't say it. what do I do? I lose my confidence totally this time. i cover it up by dying my hair crazy and wearing and obscene amoutn of makeup. i joke about it and poke fun at myself before anyone else can. at night i cry myself to sleep. i have become a shell of the person i was. i am paranoid that my husband is cheating because why not? i'm here and he is there. due to work contraints and deployment, we haven't seen each other in over a year and before that was only for threedays...so really, we havne't been together in two years. i am losing my mind. does he not want to see me because he finds me disgusting? He says no but whatother reason could there be, there is no way that the navy keeps him that busy, is there? I am conflicted, is he cheating but still want to be with me. we fight alot now. about this about me freaking out about everything. he didn't get me a christmas gift this year i read into it and think he is trying to get rid of me. he bought me a tonne of gifts from the middle east deployment, is this because he was sleeping with someone else over there? he likes women with glasses, does this mean that the girls on his friends list on myspace are his new love interests? I am totally losing it. I have become that girl that i promised him i would never be. i want to blame him, i want to say that it is because you can't find me attractive but you know what they say, first time a victim, second time a volunteer. it makes me question everything. if he would lie about something like being attracted to me what else could he lie about. i feel embarassed and ashamed looking back at our memories together. i would walk around our house naked, i would bath with the door open so he could see me. i would wear sexy sheer lingerie. i would do exotic sexual positions. i am now horrified that i let him see me like that. it is my fault, becuase nowthat i am paranoid and deflated i see the signs. him telling me to shut the door during those baths. him calling me national geographic when i would change in front of him. never comenting on the choice of clothing i would wear, in or out of bed. i have dug myself a hole. this is one of those days when i just wish i could go to sleep and never wake up. i sit here after not eating since my fathers comment about gaining a whole bunch of weight. because i haven't gained a whole bunch of weight. but i don't want to hear any comments when i eat. i feel like puking. so we (my husband and I) have decided that I willl be applying for wls when i get back to the us. we have decided that it will be better for us. he says little comments about it being all about my health but we both know better. i do worry about health risks frombeing obese. but evidently i don't worry enough to want to change because i don't really want to. i want to have a normal life, with a husband who thinks i'm the most gorgeous woman alive. he is the only man i have ever been with who has ever had a problem with my weight, or perhaps the others were just oscar winning actors. so we go on, i'm going to have the procedure. i am feeling bitter and forced but i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. all the voices will be stopped. i will no longer feel disgusting around those who are supposed to love me unconditionally. i will no longer worry about eating in front of them. i will be able to run around after my future babies witout getting winded and hopefully i can keep my husband satisfied and at home for intimacy. i don't know what the future will hold. i'm scared, nervous but also a bit excited because feeling this depression and anxiety just isn't how i want to live. this is my emotional battle.

Following is the post reply that I wrote after recieving many emails about how horrible my husband is and how my marriage is only going to fall apart. Things aren't as they always appear, I'm a testimony to that. If you are going to comment, please try to understand and realize that George never meant to hurt me and that he is trying to make things better for me...

All of your words of encouragment are outstanding. *smiles* I wrote and wrote all my feelings out but i realize now that i have made my husband out to be a monster. he isn't. he doesn't say hurtful things ever. he loves me alot. he does anything i ask. he kisses the pain away (when we are together.) I am doing this for us. It is so hard for me to reconcile all these feelings. George has never forced me into this choice although it sometimes feels that way. He has made it very very clear that he loves me regardless...and that should I choose to do nothing, and stay the same fat girl,that he will still love me and be with me forever. It is me who wants mroe though, i want to be the sexiest woman alive, to him. I want to see that experience that through his actions. It is an emotional battle. Some days I want to walk away because i know that there are men out there who could treat me how i want now and not after the weight loss, but the problem is I only want him. He has been there for me through some very tragic and trumatic times in my life and i'm not willing to lose him over a hundred pounds. as a married woman i look at how things with benefit or not benefit us as acouple as a family rather than how things will work out for me alone. the wls is something for us togehter. he will get the woman he has been dreaming of and i will get a longer livespan. he will get to grow old with me and i will get his constant companionship. it is a hard road, any woman reading this knows that, and i know that this life changing has to be on my own terms but if it means that i can have my perfect marriage, i'm about willing to try anything.thank you so much for your words of encouragment, i feel as though i'm in a dark tunnel but seeing your rays of light is really really helpful!