I love George so much it hurts.

Well. George and I finally talked today. I guess we are kinda starting over. He is going to make an effort to at least call or email me once a week. His work is keeping him very very busy. And right now there isn't alot of room for me, which has tears in my eyes right now, but I will deal with it. I've also promised him that I will keep my emotions and insecurities to myself, so look out if anyone is reading this blog, it will all get posted here. I am really sad right now. My marriage is or has fallen apart but at least we have agreed to try and fix it. If I could sue immigration for doing this to us, I definately would. My world feels like it has fallen apart...although I am not one of those wives who lives completely through their husbands...he is the most important part of my life. And I just feel like he totally doesn't care as much as he used to. Perhaps it is because we are far apart and haven't seen each other for a really long time. I am going to have to put on a happy face for him though. He is really stressed about work and his life in Texas and so I need to make things easier on him and not rely on him for my happiness. He doesn't rely on me for his happiness so really I should be less selfish.

A friend recently told me that I am the most selfish and manipulating person he knows. And although he said it as constructive critism and I know he wasn't trying to be hurtful, it still bothered me alot. But it is true. I am alot like that. I do what I have to do to keep the attention on me. With George, I seem to pick fights just to hear that he cares. He is so busy that he forgets how much attention I require. I am an extreamly difficult woman to have. I require an abundance of attention to be happy. It sucks that George can't do that. I really need to grow up and be able to be happy and okay with just me and not anyone else. If I can't do that, my marriage is over. And I definately don't want that. He has no idea how I feel right now because I don't want him to. I don't want him to know that this is killing me inside because he doesn't deserve to be upset by this, because it is my own fault. I am very depressed and he can't do anything about it.

My plans for my big wedding and having babies in the near future are gone. I can't possibly bring a child into this world that I am living in. I can't be sad all the time...what kind of a life would that be. I see my friends around me falling in love and having babies and getting married...usually in opposite order...or rather, love, marriage and babies. It sucks that I can't be like them more. But things happen for a reason and I can't change my fate.

Fate, an interesting thought. I feel like I must have done something wrong in the past to have my fate twist like it has in the past two years although I must stay thankful for what I do have. I am not worse off than most and am actually alot better off that alot. I just imagined my life to be so much different. At this point I would be finishing law school and getting ready to start my career and my family. I didn't ever imagine that I would still be living at home with my parents, loving a man who doesn't know how to love me and be in Canada away from my husband. I didn't think I would be married like this iether but that was a choice that I made to forgo everthing I ever wanted for a wedding. I don't believe that George wants to have a real wedding. He is completely content with having the people in his life not know that I am his wife. His family and friends have no idea. My entire life knows...my family and friends. I am unsure why George is so adamnt that they need not know but I have a sneaking suspicion that my worst nightmare might be why. Only time will tell if it is something I will be able to experience. Until then I live through my friends. I'm beginning to annoy myself with melodramatics...I'msigning on until later. I'm fine...really.