Anxious Times

Good Morning Good Morning,

So whats new with me you ask? Not a whole lot. I've been going to the gym for two weeks now, every single morning and unfortunately i've gained 3 pounds! *laugh* Although I'm pretty sure it's muscle...or at least I'm sure hoping so.

Other than that, time is slowly ticking by until G gets home. I have so much emotional issues tied to his return. I'm happy, sad, anxious, excited, nervous, scared...etc. We have had too many issues over the past little while, and then all this business with another girl...which makes me sick still...I'm not going to go into any details, but I'll say he didn't sleep with her. And I just want to make posters about how much I hate her, but I can't...*soft smile* It isn't my nature to hate someone so much, and well, it isn't all her fault. Thankfully G ended in before it really began with her but still, he lied to me about it, and thats bad enough. And we can't seen each other since I found out about all of this...so I'm nervous about how our reunion will be. I really hope we will be okay. I really really really hope so. I love him with all my heart, but there is only so much one heart can take...

In other news, I'm working at the Navy and Marine Corp Relief Society. I love it. The girls that work there are incredible. I've become very attached to them and not only that, the work itself is really rewarding. Alot of times we're helping service members who dug themselves into a hole, but sometimes we are genuinly helping people in need and it feels to good to be making a difference. I'm also learning alot more about the Navy which is really cool. I'm proud to be a Sailor's Wife. Even though my Sailors friends and family don't know it. *laugh* ALthough, I did tell one of his friends, who I consider to be my friend. It isn't a big deal, it was just a situational thing and one day we will (hopefully) have our wedding. And if not, perhaps it isn't meant to be.

I'm not depressed but I'm just realizing alot of things now that my mind isn't totally preoccupied with getting here. There are certain things that a man has to do in a relationship and I haven't really given G the chance to do those things...and so he maybe forgot about them or whatever. It was really important to me for him to ask my Dad if he could marry me, and then we had to get married early and not tell anyone, stupid military...but now that can never happen. It is also really really important to me for G to propose, but we're already married going on 4 years and he has never proposed to me. I don't know really if this is still what he wants. We have never really talked about it. I mean, we talked about being together forever and how much we love each other, but we never had the lets get married talk. We got married because the military wouldn't take care of me if anything happened to G...and we'd already been together for 3 years at that point...but we never talked about if we were ready or sure about each other. The reason I say this is because I have no doubt, absolutely no doubt in my mind that G is the one for me. I love him more than anything else and wouldn't change a thing about him personally. However, I don't think he feels the same way towards me, in fact, I know that he doesn't. He wants to change alot about me, and well, I don't know that he views me as the soulmate he has always wanted. I poured out my heart a few days ago, in two very long emails, as he is only reachable by email over there right now, and he never responded. I basically told him yesterday not to contact me until he responds to those emails. There are alot of things I need to know. I feel like we're rebuilding but in order to do that, we need to break down all the old shitty parts...but only time will tell.

In other news, I'm really pissed, I rented Bridget Jones=The Edge of Reason and it doesn't work, I'm upset because I was really looking forward to watching it, stupid netflix!

My heart goes out to the Amish community in Lancaster PA, 5 little girls are now in heaven, and their killer will never recieve proper judgement or punishment. I can't really talk about this, as I don't have the right words. RIP.

I will try to update here more often.

k