what it means to be me...

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cuz sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken


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I read this earlier today and it left me without words. Which for those that know me is a huge accomplishment on behalf of the author...which I can only assume as the Goo Goo Dolls because I'm too lazy to actually do the research, mainly because to me, it doesn't matter who wrote it, only that it was written and that I read it.

It kinda hits home to me...especially the line "you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies" because I often wonder that very point. So I put too much emotion into things that are really just creations in my own mind? Am I trying too hard to cry tears that aren't really real? Am I liying to myself but telling the truth to you?

Tonight I was watching "The Devil Wears Prada" and I was struck by this familiar feeling in my gut. It's the yuck-I-hate-sappy-girl-movies-because-they-are-not-realistic-at-all-and-only serve-to-show-me-how-love-never-is feeling. This was during the opening credits. And turns out, I was right. But it made me do a little thinking about why I hate romance so much...yet strive so hard for it in my own life. I think...yes I do that sometimes over abuntantly...that I hate romance because I can't quite grasp it myself. I resent these actresses who get to swoon like everything is perfect when my life is falling apart. And I can't place the blame on anyone else because I made my choices.

I had a friend...who recently decided we couldn't be friends anymore because he loved me and I couldn't love him back like he wanted. I felt guilty the entire time because he was and is a really great guy. I can picture myself in his life but it seems like one of those sappy girl movies...and everyone knows thats not real, so I never let myself get close enough to discover the heartbreak of having someone push eject on my fantasy land. He and I don't talk anymore, and I think of him every single day, and I tell myself that he thinks of me too, but in reality, he doesn't, he's happy to be free of my chemistry that kept him enthralled for way too long. I allowed him to be captivated by me for very selfish reasons, I needed someone to reinforce my own feelings about myself. He challenged me on every choice I made and thus made me repeat over and over again, why I did something until it became not my choice but concrete evidence of why I am me. I always told him he was my conscience. *laughing* And now I'm left a little lacking to be honest.

I've made some new friends recently since my move...and I'm starting to scare them. I'm not regailing them with stories of axe murders or anything but I've become a little dependant on them to guide the way for my emotions. It's been hard with George gone for so long and so much going on between us. I needed an escape and my new friends have offered that. I get quite attached to people quickly however I rarely stay attached for long. I have a short attention span when it comes to people. There have only been a very select few (I can count them on one hand and only use fingers) that I have remained attached to since our meeting. I was telling one new friend the other day, when I'm into a person, I'm all in...and it's so true. I never play halfway with people. Now, the reason that this song above relates to this, I'm not just incessantly babbling...is because sometimes I lose sight of the true importance of people. I want them to fill a certain spot in my life, and once they do, I expect it to continue, forever or at least until I decide to end it. *laugh* I am that egotistical to believe that, really. And when someone isn't really ready for that position, I tend to get overly emotional. I can't predict my feelings but I am always very quick to warn someone once I know that I'm am beginning to to need them, that my nickname isn't CrazyPrincessKelsey for fun...it's a very true descriptive title.

Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar but then again, everyone gets confused and emotional and thinks they can't deal right? I'm sure everyone does, once I'm through the little issue, it seems so minor. I laugh it off and move on, until the next one. My poor husband has two email addresses full of my rantings and ravings and just plain theoretical explainations for my feelings. I can't really understand why I do what I do...only that I use the excuse, I can't choose my feelings.

That is correct but I can choose my actions. And those choices need to be a little better from here on out. I'm 25 and not in the psych ward, I have no excuse for what I do...only that it seems like the right thing to do at that time. I've started saving my emails before sending them so that I can reread once the emotions stop holding me hostage. It's helped a little but for the most part, once I read what I've written, I'm compelled back to feeling the way I did when I typed the words in the first place.

So if you're reading this, post me a commment because the cold meds are taking hold now and I need to get into bed before my face h its the keyboard...what are your thoughts, my faithful readers???? Help a crazy princess out...